Vent - FUCK I wish I had a stable personality

[Draconian Alone]

Should've have this many personalities fighting for dominance in here. It pisses me off. I don't even have any DID, it's just versions of me fighting for time to be in the spotlight like my social life is some bullshit reality TV show. I hear that a lot of other people on the spectrum have this problem, they mask so much they don't even know who they are.

I guess I should list them off:
- Main(???) one is all stormy and aggressive I like the anger. If keeps me sharp. It also boosts my self esteem knowing I'm like I'm a bear trap ready to snap on these bitch ass sheeple who keep shunning me and looking at me funny.
- Really high strung and anxious. But also pretty smart. In worthless school stuff at least. Most polite one. My dad calls me, "worker bee" at the start of my shift. I use this one a lot for strangers and authority figures and stuff.
- Soft and prey like thing always nervous about being seen in a bad way and is easily startled fuck this side of me it was burned into my head by my fucking parents I wish I could crush this thing into a little ball and toss it out of my subconscious.
- Fun dumbass. Pretty confident but very hard to ease out of hiding. Most seen around my brother(when he doesn't treat me like a freak) and my close friends(before they inevitably abandon me HAHAHAHAHA)

I'm so fucking mad about it pisses me out I just want to burn everything about my life down and get another chance!!!!!
Anybody got any advice on how to destroy my soft side and whittle down the worker drone one??

Thank You

 

[EvisceratedJester]

You do realize that people behave differently in different contexts, right? All of this is pretty normal. Like yeah, of course you are going to act like a fun dumb ass around your friends and brother. Those are people who you are close with. Most people act differently while at work and school in comparison to when around friends and siblings.

 

[Tarrasque]

It might be interesting to check out the dissociative experiences scale, which is a screening tool for this kind of stuff which is easily found online. It won't diagnose you but it will give you an idea of whether it's worth looking into further. You've said you don't have DID, but there's more ways to experience personality disturbance. You can get experiences like this from other more mild dissociative conditions like OSDD, as well as from BPD and from (C)PTSD. Even then, the pop culture idea of DID is a lot more extreme than the reality for a lot of people. The real life version is a covert condition, believe it or not.

If this kinda stuff strikes true for you but you're sure it isn't pathological, you might look into a therapy modality called IFS, which is about acknowledging this kind of thing and trying to get your individual "parts" into better situations, and you don't need to have a multiple personality condition to benefit from it. It tends to have good results in traumatized people. For some people the idea of "parts" is very metaphorical and might just be describing moods or intrusive thoughts, for other people they seem more like distinct people. It's a bit weird, though. Didn't work for me but gave me good language for putting my thoughts in order. What you say about wanting to "destroy your soft side and whittle down the worker drone one" is pretty aligned with IFS. The fundamental principle is some of your parts are stuck doing tasks that aren't actually helpful because they think it's the best way to keep you safe, and the objective is to get them out of that role and doing something that genuinely does help.

 

[kyhoti]

This may not be what you want to hear, but so be it, as it's my experience.

I've found that no matter where I go, there I am. Meaning that I have to deal with things as they are, not as I wish them to be.

I've made it this far (50+ years) by trying to embrace my whole self, warts and all, instead of constantly hating myself every minute of every day. I've had different levels of success over time. The parts that I don't like are still there, but to a lesser degree.

My last couple of years have been an exercise of giving myself the grace that I have have given others. I have found a small measure of peace. Now that I am nearing the inevitable result of mortality, I have to deal with that fact. I could fight, but I'm tired; when weighed out, it's just time to go.

If you get anything from that, good. May you find the peace you seek.

 

[tsykoais]

worst thing about my personalities is that no matter which one i am i'm either ignored or disliked