notadaisy
already wilted
- Feb 7, 2023
- 95
hi, i don't know where else i could pour my emotions out so im doing it here. all out there. maybe this won't make much sense.. but idc. im feeling too awful right now. i had a bad day.. not that everyday isn't a bad day but it's just in a higher intensity. anxiety and panic attacks.. had a mental breakdown. my self is crumbling. i am not doing so well, every month my state just gets more peaked down. the symptoms of my stress and other things are even showing physically as well.. severe hair loss, weight loss, dark under eyes i look like a zombie, my body just feels weak now.. i get sick often.. way more than before. it really isn't a good thing. i feel bad. sometimes i pity myself for the things i go through or have to feel. it's all coming up again. i am worried about my academics also. im in uni, enrolled to a demanding medical course. the pressure is too much, the workload is a lot. I can't just focus on studying. i also have a bunch of other problems that keep pestering me. and my declining mental health doesn't help either.. i think about death everyday, how'd it feel. i don't know. can't put everything i feel into words. i suppress things.. tend to hide and keep things to myself. i got used to being by myself. im away from my family and I don't have a good support system. i do feel alone most the time here. I don't even like the place I'm in.. i already want to go away.. but I can't.. don't have that much privilege. I'm fed up i am tired and i hate it here. it's so tired getting up everyday, im trying.. my body is too heavy to life up. i think i don't have any friends i can rely on now. i know everyone is busy with their own thing, or people can just be two-faced fakers that u can't really trust. this month of December also affects me, holidays.. im not that person who loves Christmas season.. and i just can't relate to those people who do. there are reasons to that, related to my trauma oh well it's another thing. seasonal depression when u already are depressed enough.. i had a mental breakdown at uni today.. some people saw me, red faced with tears on my face. they never saw me cry before. i feel kind of embarrassed but it's not a big thing. i also had an argument with someone today.. it kind of upset me. they said/did something hurtful that really affected me emotionally and they were aware .. too aware that I'm not doing well at all. i hurt myself again today, i think my hand is injured deep. i stabbed it with a pen hard for a few times. it bleed instantly.. too much blood earlier. i feel sad. way too low now. i hate attending uni now and don't have the motivation. it will already be the finals of the 1st semester.. just a little bit more. my environment affects me too much... i just kind of can't manage all of the things now. i tend to be in a full of hatred state too.. having easily irritated moods or getting upset. or maybe just be alone and quiet it is better that way just peace with no one else and having to deal with their own bs that will just give you a headache. im yearning a lot to lately.. just can't tell now if for what. im not that hopeless now, but i just want this all to end. i am in a dark place. too much has happened.... maybe this is one of my worst relapses after my previous dark time before..... just thought i was gonna be okay despite feeling it creeping up on me again months ago but everything just kept piling up on me. and now here i am.... i wanted to get access to therapy again and i tried getting a schedule but I wasn't able to do that STILL. awful. that's all for now... my hand hurts. everything just hurts. like my flesh is being scooped up and squished into pieces.
