Neverod
>:^3
- Aug 8, 2019
- 150
Halo!
Just want to say some things, even if this gets buried, i feel like i can't stand anything anymore, can't stay silent, can't be. Maybe this will help someone.
I had a pretty rough childhood, abusive father, abusive mother that twisted things in her favor, abusive sister, abusive schoolmates, abusive teachers. I was too naive, well, i am still now, but i'm not at the same time. I met a girl (i was about 8/9 y/o, same as her) at the school, she was lonely, and got abused, just like me, but one time i stood up for her, and we became friends, she was sweet, kind, understanding, we shared pain, her family was abusive too but we found support on each other. One day, i saw her crying in the classroom, i felt useless, so i started cutting myself in the shoulder, now, more than 10 years, i have one scar for every tear dropped from her. Some time forward, she stopped going to school, i was alone again for days, waiting every god damn day for her to show up, hug her and pretend everything's okay, but no. Her parents invited me to her funeral almost one week after, like a dark joke, i didn't went, but knew where she was going to be buried. Since that, i was depressed, didn't eat, didn't sleep, didn't think, just continued doing what i used to do. The abuses continued for years, i developed another personality, i wasn't me, had some medications but i left them because my money was not enough to keep paying them, so that personality started doing some things i disliked, treated people like trash, used others for his advantage, harmed himself, screaming endlessly at me in my head... my "friends" didn't even care, but i was there, always, asking how they were doing, if they needed any help, doing anything to help them, thinking they would do the same for me one day. now, 3 years after, i'm here alone, all of them cut contact with me and keep on with their lives. Years forward we now understand each other (the other being in me and me, i call it Damian), i keep control most of the time, but since july, i started to feel like nothing even mattered, this life, existance, "friendships", my head would go crazy at times, wanting to punch everything, cry, scream, ravage. But i contain myself, it happens 2 or 3 days a week, it's a living hell, so i started drinking when i felt like that, each day i went out more and more alcohol was poured, and now, i look at myself in the mirror, and i don't recognize me, it's like i'm someone else now, not Damian or Sens, but an empty vessel. Sometimes i want to feel, but i can't show any emotion, i'm unable to feel them, and sometimes i feel a ton of emotions in a short period of time, that's making me even more depressed. I didn't help the only person that cared about me, and because of that she's dead now, I didn't live a life worthy of her to see, i can't even hate the ones that pushed her to the edge. Just useless. I used to dream with her, being married, having a little daughter named Collette, in a house with a big garden with a dog for her to play with, but it stopped since i started feeling that void. Guess i don't deserve that either.
Thinking of doing a H OD with benzos, inspired by @mk47 (Rest buddy).
Never did H, so, hope it'll work.
Just want to say some things, even if this gets buried, i feel like i can't stand anything anymore, can't stay silent, can't be. Maybe this will help someone.
I had a pretty rough childhood, abusive father, abusive mother that twisted things in her favor, abusive sister, abusive schoolmates, abusive teachers. I was too naive, well, i am still now, but i'm not at the same time. I met a girl (i was about 8/9 y/o, same as her) at the school, she was lonely, and got abused, just like me, but one time i stood up for her, and we became friends, she was sweet, kind, understanding, we shared pain, her family was abusive too but we found support on each other. One day, i saw her crying in the classroom, i felt useless, so i started cutting myself in the shoulder, now, more than 10 years, i have one scar for every tear dropped from her. Some time forward, she stopped going to school, i was alone again for days, waiting every god damn day for her to show up, hug her and pretend everything's okay, but no. Her parents invited me to her funeral almost one week after, like a dark joke, i didn't went, but knew where she was going to be buried. Since that, i was depressed, didn't eat, didn't sleep, didn't think, just continued doing what i used to do. The abuses continued for years, i developed another personality, i wasn't me, had some medications but i left them because my money was not enough to keep paying them, so that personality started doing some things i disliked, treated people like trash, used others for his advantage, harmed himself, screaming endlessly at me in my head... my "friends" didn't even care, but i was there, always, asking how they were doing, if they needed any help, doing anything to help them, thinking they would do the same for me one day. now, 3 years after, i'm here alone, all of them cut contact with me and keep on with their lives. Years forward we now understand each other (the other being in me and me, i call it Damian), i keep control most of the time, but since july, i started to feel like nothing even mattered, this life, existance, "friendships", my head would go crazy at times, wanting to punch everything, cry, scream, ravage. But i contain myself, it happens 2 or 3 days a week, it's a living hell, so i started drinking when i felt like that, each day i went out more and more alcohol was poured, and now, i look at myself in the mirror, and i don't recognize me, it's like i'm someone else now, not Damian or Sens, but an empty vessel. Sometimes i want to feel, but i can't show any emotion, i'm unable to feel them, and sometimes i feel a ton of emotions in a short period of time, that's making me even more depressed. I didn't help the only person that cared about me, and because of that she's dead now, I didn't live a life worthy of her to see, i can't even hate the ones that pushed her to the edge. Just useless. I used to dream with her, being married, having a little daughter named Collette, in a house with a big garden with a dog for her to play with, but it stopped since i started feeling that void. Guess i don't deserve that either.
Thinking of doing a H OD with benzos, inspired by @mk47 (Rest buddy).
Never did H, so, hope it'll work.
