Venting Useless rant from a lonely degenerate

[theuninstallbutton]

Hello, I'm sorry this is going to be long.

I am twenty and an transgender (female to male) individual. I live with a religious family who is intolerant. I really do not blame them for hating my identity anymore. It's not their fault as it's forbidden in their religion and culture. Due to a different culture, it is extremely hard for me to move out. They believe that a female should get married in order to move out. They care about their image, et cetera, which I completely understand. It has been really hard these past few years, especially when I stupidly came out as transgender when I was thirteen. I pass as male in public, which angers my mother. Today she cried because of me, because I am abnormal. She talked about how she did everything for me as a child, and how she would buy me expensive things as a child to make me happy, et cetera. She wonders why this is happening to her, that she was good to her parents so why does she have a deformed child. I actually did cry. Thinking about it right now is bringing tears to my eyes right now.

I'm unable to get a job, even though I have applied everywhere. I only have $1,600 saved which is not enough to move out and support myself. I'm actually afraid of moving out because I lack a lot of skills that a normal adult has. I would be starting my second year in college soon but I don't think I can handle this anymore. My mother cannot make her own decisions and relies on her family to help.

I wish I could go into detail on how this culture is different than your average white household, but I do not want to give out too much information about who I am. I am sorry.

I have been suicidal ever since I was thirteen years old. Right now, I do not mind the thought of death. I have come to realize that I am afraid of becoming a vegetable if I fail, or dealing with long term health risks. I do not want to fail either, and deal with the family gossiping about me more than they already do. I have a family member who is a year older than me who did attempt suicide on purpose "for attention" (according to my other family members, this is not coming from me.) So I don't want to deal with that. It's enough my own family members outed me twice when I tried to lay low.

I am not allowed to go out by myself unless my mother accompanies me. It has been this way for years. I have never done what normal teenagers did, such as sleep overs, having friends over, etc. I really don't care now, but I thought I would include that to kind of paint a clear picture on how my situation is. They did worse things, but I do not want to tell the world about what they did. It really is not their fault, and I forgive them. But I don't forgive myself for being such a defected human being. I truly feel awful for putting them through this.

I don't really want to say that my life is really bad, because I know others have it worse, but I just want to kill myself. I feel like I lived a full life anyways. I got a chance to discover new musicians, I got a chance to post my art online, watch new shows, got my driving license, graduated high school, painted a mural, volunteered at an animal shelter.

I will not be happy if I continue to live, anyways. I would never be a real man, even if I had access to testosterone. I'll just be a lonely degenerate freak with no family.

Thanks for reading, advice is appreciated as always.

 

[JoeFailure]

You're only twenty!

You are not deformed, you're just you.

You don't have to finish college, that doesn't have to be the reason you CTB. There are plenty of other ways to work and make money.

I can't speak for the mental health, but all I can say is you definitely still have a chance to be happy and do something you want to do.

 

[Mud.]

You're not a degenerate.

You have committed no crime and you sound like a kind person.
This is not your fault but the fault of your family/religion/culture.

They're the ones who show no respect and/or tolerance.
The hate you receive and the pain it causes you is their doing.

If you stay in your current environment you will suffer no matter what.
You're twenty years old, don't cross yourself out yet.

Try everything you can to get away from where you are now.
You're worth it.

 

[oopswronglife]

Hey man don't punch yourself in the face too on top of all of this. You post is full of self attack. None of this is your fault. You know TG people have one of the highest if not the highest suicide rate going because of the internal and external pressures. There is no excuse for your family's behavior and you are doing an admirable job of trying to give them credit, but they have failed as people, not you. You don't owe your mother anything in light of how she has treated you. Bad/failed people count on good people being good and always use that against us. Live your life as long as you can, don't let her take it because she is cruel and broken. Being broken isn't a defect or a choice, but being cruel is. Also never compare yourself to others to judge the legitimacy of your suffering. There is no objective scale and anyone who says so is trying to justify their own feelings and doubts.

 

[Lennox]

I can imagine how hard it is to think straight under the years of pressure of your family's notions against you. You need to get some distance so you can breathe.
I believe that in this world there's the family you're born with, which you can't change, but there's also the family you can choose, made up of friends and partners.
Don't worry about moving out and supposed lacking of skills, there isn't that much to learn :-)
It seems to me it all could change if you can find a way to support yourself so you can move out. So, perhaps, you could postpone college and focus on work.
It's difficult to suggest a specific plan since every region of this planet is different with different opportunities.
Consider this, what do the people in your region willing to work at anything do? You could start from there.

 

[hemonpath]

The others are all on point, but I'll throw in some thoughts anyways.

I think you have some pretty great standards and perspective on life. You have a strong sense of right and wrong, but the problem is that you're using that to judge yourself extra harshly. It happens and I do it too, but they're not true. We don't judge you at all for what you are. Family is a different schtick, but we don't.

This'll sound like shitty advice because it's crossed your mind: But try searching for communities and events and people just like you. Just like you've done on this forum. Do it step by step. Post your honest thoughts, and I swear to you ther'll be at least one person out there who knows another person out there who is willing to talk to you and share your hopes and worries. I've found that being as anonymous as possible really helps with any possible anxiety, so use the internet to your advantage, create multiple accounts and just reach out as safely as possible for any possible connections.

There is a level of society for everyone. Everyone. And yes, even for bad people who want to do bad things, but you are someone good, just trying to live life. Trust me there are malicious people out there doing the opposite, and that's not you, and that deserves praise.


And this will sound random as shit, but i've found cleaning my room helps me have a singular win in a day, no matter how horrible it was.

 

[theuninstallbutton]

You're only twenty!

You are not deformed, you're just you.

You don't have to finish college, that doesn't have to be the reason you CTB. There are plenty of other ways to work and make money.

I can't speak for the mental health, but all I can say is you definitely still have a chance to be happy and do something you want to do.

Thanks for your reply.
I've been trying to make money, I kind of did online by selling clothes and stickers I've designed. But now it's rare to sell. It's not some sort of business thing.

You're not a degenerate.

You have committed no crime and you sound like a kind person.
This is not your fault but the fault of your family/religion/culture.

They're the ones who show no respect and/or tolerance.
The hate you receive and the pain it causes you is their doing.

If you stay in your current environment you will suffer no matter what.
You're twenty years old, don't cross yourself out yet.

Try everything you can to get away from where you are now.
You're worth it.

Thank you. I try my best to be a good person. I used to hate them for being like this but I found that it's actually harmful to my already bad mental health, so now I just forgive. I've also been trying to disconnect myself from my body whenever I'm forced to present as a girl, still no success but it's a start.

I understand if I stay in my environment, that it won't get better. Today my aunt said she had a dream about my mom and that I made her very upset, and that's actually an accurate dream. It made me want to die even more because I know this situation will escalate.

I can't really move out. If I want to, I'll have to run out at night or do it when nobody is home so I cannot he stopped. That's too stressful for me. Besides, I can't get a job due to my gender identity and the way I am forced to dress (I am forced to wear a religious headcovering but I make it look like a hoodie so I still pass as male, and sometimes I only wear a hoodie which pisses them off.)

I don't know what else to do anymore.

Hey man don't punch yourself in the face too on top of all of this. You post is full of self attack. None of this is your fault. You know TG people have one of the highest if not the highest suicide rate going because of the internal and external pressures. There is no excuse for your family's behavior and you are doing an admirable job of trying to give them credit, but they have failed as people, not you. You don't owe your mother anything in light of how she has treated you. Bad/failed people count on good people being good and always use that against us. Live your life as long as you can, don't let her take it because she is cruel and broken. Being broken isn't a defect or a choice, but being cruel is. Also never compare yourself to others to judge the legitimacy of your suffering. There is no objective scale and anyone who says so is trying to justify their own feelings and doubts.

I try not to harm myself mentally but it's hard nowadays. It's easier to hate myself now. I've been looking for conversion therapy, tried hard to make myself religious again, tried to force myself to be a girl and now that I failed at all of that, I just resort to hating my existence.

I was actually rereading Leelah Alcorn's suicide note as a sick, desperate attempt at gathering the courage to end my life, since I relate to her story and having unsupportive parents, etc. I'm hopeless because I strongly feel like there's no way out of this situation. I'm scared of things like them possibly sending me to their home country to be married off, or refusing to let me go to college. I do not go out much except to my extended family's house or to school or to the grocery store with my mother.

I know I don't owe my mother things but it's hard. I never had love for her but after today, after seeing her cry because I am transgender, it just hurt. I can't keep dealing with this. I'd rather just end my life so I don't have to go through being disowned or cutting them off. I don't want to deal with any more stress. It's taken a hold on my body physically. It's getting worse.

I can imagine how hard it is to think straight under the years of pressure of your family's notions against you. You need to get some distance so you can breathe.
I believe that in this world there's the family you're born with, which you can't change, but there's also the family you can choose, made up of friends and partners.
Don't worry about moving out and supposed lacking of skills, there isn't that much to learn :-)
It seems to me it all could change if you can find a way to support yourself so you can move out. So, perhaps, you could postpone college and focus on work.
It's difficult to suggest a specific plan since every region of this planet is different with different opportunities.
Consider this, what do the people in your region willing to work at anything do? You could start from there.

I wish I can get the space but my mother has a tight grasp on me. She is very controlling. She wouldn't let me go to places by myself. The only time I'm away from her is when I'm in college. I can't postpone college because it's a very important thing to my family and if I don't go to college, then I might as well get married off (their own words) so I go to college so I don't have to be married off yet. I applied to many stores such as Walmart and fast food places like McDonald's, but I did not receive a single reply except for rejection twice from Kroger. I'd much rather just end my life because I see no other way to move out unless I become homeless and I'd rather just die because the winters here are brutal etc.

The others are all on point, but I'll throw in some thoughts anyways.

I think you have some pretty great standards and perspective on life. You have a strong sense of right and wrong, but the problem is that you're using that to judge yourself extra harshly. It happens and I do it too, but they're not true. We don't judge you at all for what you are. Family is a different schtick, but we don't.

This'll sound like shitty advice because it's crossed your mind: But try searching for communities and events and people just like you. Just like you've done on this forum. Do it step by step. Post your honest thoughts, and I swear to you ther'll be at least one person out there who knows another person out there who is willing to talk to you and share your hopes and worries. I've found that being as anonymous as possible really helps with any possible anxiety, so use the internet to your advantage, create multiple accounts and just reach out as safely as possible for any possible connections.

There is a level of society for everyone. Everyone. And yes, even for bad people who want to do bad things, but you are someone good, just trying to live life. Trust me there are malicious people out there doing the opposite, and that's not you, and that deserves praise.


And this will sound random as shit, but i've found cleaning my room helps me have a singular win in a day, no matter how horrible it was.

Thank you for your kindness. I'm really relieved to see that I won't be judged, I was actually expecting transphobia because when I posted about this on a subreddit dedicated for people that left the religion my family practices, I received a lot of hate and transphobia. Thank you very much for not being Judgmental. I try my hardest to be good, to not be toxic to people.

I tried to reach out on forums dedicated for transgender people but I did get judgement because of people who hardcore support the religion my family practices, because they are feminists. They think I hate the people who practice the religion, when I really don't. So I stopped looking for these types of forums. I've reached out countless times on the Trevor project but all of the conversations are almost the same. I feel like they're too positive, it almost feels unachievable. It's because they don't know what it's like being in this type of environment that I am in. It's really hard.

 

[Unlucked]

Same position but I'm mtf 20, and I dont even have access to hrt if I wanted to due to gate keeping doctors. So yeah I'm tired and want out.