Venting Urgh

[Rainork]

Honestly, i just need to vent.
I've just had a check on the tablets I have that I'll be ODing on very soon (a big part of why I'm having to wait is so I can aquire enough to ensure success).
On my notes that I have to keep track of my stock amounts/locations- there's still the crossed out note of the bottle that the crisis team took off me previously after I admitted to collecting them. (I'm going to be taking Venlafaxine and they took over 8g's off me).
I'm just pissed off right now because waiting has been horrible, each day stretching on to feel like a prolonged period of misery, and it just clicked that if I hadn't lost that collection, not only would I have had enough to ctb without having to collect more, I would also have enough to ctb by OD alone by now, instead of having to swim out to sea to drown and ensure success.
I think the stress is also increased because 1. I don't like lying and 2. The doctors made it so I can only pick up a weeks prescription at a time.
Why are these important points to my stress? Because I've been staggering the collections to get ~2 weeks extra meds each month. It's been a slow process that has had me stressing out incase the pharmacy would pick up on what I've been doing (spoiler alert, they haven't! But still can't stop stressing incase they do.).
I am now only 2g's off of having what I'd ideally need, and already have enough to almost guarentee black outs to help success on my method.
I dunno, I'm just so done right now. Still debating moving my date forwards a week and hoping I've got enough to get the job done- I should be able to get another weeks of medication tomorrow and will be saying goodbye to my parents on Sunday anyway. But also concerned that if I fuck it up, then I'll have to start collecting all over again and could also face even tougher circumstances to be able to stock pile.
Sorry, just needed to vent.

 

[Rainork]

I've decided to use this thread to vent in these final days so that I'm not making a new post each time I have something I need to get out.
Tomorrow I'm seeing my parents fot the last time and I think that's going to be the most emotionally taxing goodbye for me and thus the hardest time to keep up the facade of everything being okay. I haven't been taking my medication most days (to increase the amount I have to use when I ctb) but I will be taking one tomorrow to help stop the tears.

 

[Rainork]

Today's the day I say goodbye to my parents.
I don't know how I'm feeling, I've showered, put on a nice dress and made myself presentable. I don't know what I'm going to say and will probably leave feeling like I fucked it up, but would rather that than risking giving anything away.
I feel a bif lighter today emotionally, probably because I did take my meds this morning so that I'm not a crying mess all day!

 

[pumpkinboy]

Today's the day I say goodbye to my parents.
I don't know how I'm feeling, I've showered, put on a nice dress and made myself presentable. I don't know what I'm going to say and will probably leave feeling like I fucked it up, but would rather that than risking giving anything away.
I feel a bif lighter today emotionally, probably because I did take my meds this morning so that I'm not a crying mess all day!

Why are you killing yourself?

 

[Rainork]

Why are you killing yourself?

I'm trying to think of a short and sweet way to answer this, but it seems hard to tie up with a bow.
I first attempted suicide at 13 or 14 (I can't recall exactly) and have always known my life would be taken by my own hand. I can't remember a day when I wasn't depressed or when I ever actually saw a future for myself that isn't full of misery.
Why now specifically? I'm at an age where, if I continue to live, I'll inevitably soon be starting a family (whether through birth or adoption) and to do that knowing how things will end for me, isn't something I can do in good conscience.
I've also witnessed my depression cause pain to those close to me over and over; most have walked out of my life to protect themselves but those who haven't will just continue to be pulled through the pain of my illness with me for as long as I remain alive and they remain in my life. It also feels so unfair that everyone who previously convinced me to keep living, once my depression got too much for them, were able to just drop me and walk away.. yet I've never believed that's an option for me?
In making this decision I've decided to put myself first and allow myself to escape this consistent depression I've been stuck in a spiral of my whole life.
I also have more 'trivial' issues- I haven't been able to work full time for years, I still do the odd work here and there but not a lot. My benefits are close to being cut off which means I will become a financial burden to those around me alongside the emotional one I already am.
I have c-ptsd from a lot of things that happened in my childhood; from this I cut out a toxic family member from my life. The result in this is losing the relationship I had with my nephews and niece- and has also made the general family life a hassle. With me out of the picture, no one will have to arrange events to cater to my c-ptsd and the boundries I have formed due to this.

I have no idea if this makes any sense but I tried.

 

[pumpkinboy]

I'm trying to think of a short and sweet way to answer this, but it seems hard to tie up with a bow.
I first attempted suicide at 13 or 14 (I can't recall exactly) and have always known my life would be taken by my own hand. I can't remember a day when I wasn't depressed or when I ever actually saw a future for myself that isn't full of misery.
Why now specifically? I'm at an age where, if I continue to live, I'll inevitably soon be starting a family (whether through birth or adoption) and to do that knowing how things will end for me, isn't something I can do in good conscience.
I've also witnessed my depression cause pain to those close to me over and over; most have walked out of my life to protect themselves but those who haven't will just continue to be pulled through the pain of my illness with me for as long as I remain alive and they remain in my life. It also feels so unfair that everyone who previously convinced me to keep living, once my depression got too much for them, were able to just drop me and walk away.. yet I've never believed that's an option for me?
In making this decision I've decided to put myself first and allow myself to escape this consistent depression I've been stuck in a spiral of my whole life.
I also have more 'trivial' issues- I haven't been able to work full time for years, I still do the odd work here and there but not a lot. My benefits are close to being cut off which means I will become a financial burden to those around me alongside the emotional one I already am.
I have c-ptsd from a lot of things that happened in my childhood; from this I cut out a toxic family member from my life. The result in this is losing the relationship I had with my nephews and niece- and has also made the general family life a hassle. With me out of the picture, no one will have to arrange events to cater to my c-ptsd and the boundries I have formed due to this.

I have no idea if this makes any sense but I tried.

Nothing I'll say will change your mind huh
Make sure you tell your family you love them and if i can make a request i hope you do good deeds in your final days like making sandwiches for the homeless

 

[Rainork]

Nothing I'll say will change your mind huh
Make sure you tell your family you love them and if i can make a request i hope you do good deeds in your final days like making sandwiches for the homeless

I do actually have a collection of homeless packs I put together a while ago, which I'd completely forgotten about until now!
I'll make sure to find some time this week to give them out and see if I can make sone sandwiches to add to them.

 

[l1ablemistakes]

I take venlafaxine too and I feel like the OD would be horrible. Are you sure you want to do that to yourself?

 

[Rainork]

I take venlafaxine too and I feel like the OD would be horrible. Are you sure you want to do that to yourself?

I'm not but am unsure of what else I can do to succeed.
In an ideal world, the venlafaxine will cause me to pass out in the sea. Unfortunately I have no way of knowing exactly whay will happen until it does happen, I am also mentally prepared for a conscious seizure and to be aware as I drown, as long as SI can't stop me backing out then the OD will have done its job

 

[l1ablemistakes]

I'm not but am unsure of what else I can do to succeed.
In an ideal world, the venlafaxine will cause me to pass out in the sea. Unfortunately I have no way of knowing exactly whay will happen until it does happen, I am also mentally prepared for a conscious seizure and to be aware as I drown, as long as SI can't stop me backing out then the OD will have done its job

I don't want to suggest anything but there are PLENTY of better options. I'd also recommend reading the threads on here from people who have OD'd on antidepressants, it sounds absolutely horrible. Just as long as you're informed. And fyi I do hope you change your mind <3

 

[Rainork]

I don't want to suggest anything but there are PLENTY of better options. I'd also recommend reading the threads on here from people who have OD'd on antidepressants, it sounds absolutely horrible. Just as long as you're informed. And fyi I do hope you change your mind <3

Yeah I know it likely won't be great, I have attempted other methods but to no avail.
Thank you for your concern though.