Story Ups and downs on my way to ctb (N, Night Night, SN)

[dorko]

So here is my story until now.

Hard facts:

• "living" in central europe
• had a really naive and bad attempt some years ago with alcohol and ibuprofen
• Got dumped really really hard again with far-reaching consequences (job stuff and so on)
• discovered the forum a week ago
• active (posting) member since yesterday
• want to ctb on wednesday

After i got scammed buying Euthasol (Pentobarbital / N) from the darkweb, i thought the night night will be my way to go.

i tried so hard and got... not so far:

My unsuccessful attempt(s):

i tried over and over for some days.
first i was optimistic since i was able to get kind of unconscious pressing with my fingers / palms of my hands.

these things were key for me:

• stretch your neck / tilt your head upwards (as mentioned)
• slow your breath or pause it for some seconds

Then i ordered the stuff mentioned.

in the meantime:
it seems to me the more i tried, the less it worked with fingers - maybe because my neck got swolen so the pressure could'nt reach the arteries.

When ratchet and cornbags arrived i tried various setups standing, sitting and lying:

• rolled socks (small)
• more rolled socks to cover a larger area
• rolled socks with bottle caps
• raw cornbags
• rolled cornbags to focus pressure
• all the above fixed to the strap or lose

no matter what i tried, never really got it to work beside that one time i tried it standing with rolled socks (small) not attached to the strap, where i just wanted to test and woke up on the floor because i landed on my back and my neck was not stretched anymore.

that motivated me and i was ready to ctb, took some time to get the setup right again but since i couldnt get it to work i switched through all setups again until i got the feeling that it works with the rolled cornbags. i tightened the strap, sight got blurry, loosened it again, organized last things (as i thought), laid down, tightened it again... and nothing.

put it away and thought of going the train way but no.
since then i was not able to at least get dizzy with my fingers what worked so great at the beginning.

Now going with SN .

As i discovered the SN method and read through so many threads about it, i got frustrated that i cant find the DMC/DSL source (since i was no active SaSu member at that point).
At the same time i tried to order it through various resellers in my country and abroad.
But as you may have already thought, they all sell to registered companies only (which i have), but all of them asked for a special license too (which i obviously dont have) although I can provide a credible purpose.

so long story short:
at the moment i am at my hotel room in poland writing these lines since i will pick up my SN personally from a local reseller

another reseller answered my (while i was already on my way):

We are very sorry, but for tax reasons we are not able to sell the goods without a valid VAT number.

The only possible exception would be a transaction with payment made in PLN and collection of the goods in Poland.
We would also like to inform you that this raw material is offered in 25 kg bags we are not able to sell smaller quantities.

i already read it from other users but the real ups and downs were, i wanted to ctb so hard but every time i thought i have a reliable method/source, my urge to ctb got less.
or maybe it was just, that i made peace with the thought or that i know i have a way to go if i need to when it gets worse so it does not have to be now... dunno

the holidays meant so much to me but christmas was non existent for me this year and ... i didnt see my family for weeks now and not planning to see them before my last day since this would make it so much harder for me. maybe thats also a big part of this rollercoaster.

beside that i am unsure with the timing...
i think it would not make much sense to attempt before midnight since my family will try to call me for new year on the other hand i want to get the timing right with a last call / message to a special person...

we will see
i am at the state where i really try to live every day like it was my last one - no special things or stuff but just consciously while i think stuff like "maybe it's the last time i walk here".