dead lightbulb
consciousness is a curse
- Oct 8, 2022
- 52
No one around me thought I was at risk of killing myself yesterday so I was left alone. My dad got home an hour ago and since then has been telling me to get ready so that him my siblings and I can go to an outing with some senator or something important like that. This whole morning he spent his time bitching about it telling me "how could you forget" and just acting stressed out. My attendance to the event isn't mandatory, he mainly wanted me to come along so he could show off his twin daughters to someone.
If the police hadn't come yesterday after I contacted 988 then I would've gone along begrudgingly because I dont want to risk being yelled at. But I'm not now. I would love to kill myself while my "family" is out spitefully because of the way they've treated me. Not taking me seriously and treating me like a toddler throwing a tantrum.
Oh you're suicidal? It's just a rebillious phase you cultivated because you're lazy and you hate ME. I'M so stressed out. God I'M not even yelling at you despite what you did yesterday. What do I need to do to help you? You're being sooooo difficult. I'M already tired and now I have to deal with you.
If I just killed myself I would be free finally. I wouldn't care about anything or anyone. Nothing would matter. And I could throw a final big middle finger at my "family" for treating me like shit. Like.... leaving me alone to go out after finding out I'm suicidal? Seriously? I know you hate me but you're basically begging me to do it. I have an imaginary expectation that someone will come out of the woodworks to help me and soothe me treat me with some kindness. I keep thinking this'll happen but time and time again the universe pulls a jinx card on me.
I really fucked up yesterday. The police coming to my house wasn't supposed to happen. Now I would have to get evaluated tomorrow. Worst thing is no one cares. I just want someone to ask me if I'm okay. And I just want one person to treat me like a human being worthy of value and empathy. Is it because I'm ugly? Or awkwardly quiet? Why have I gone my whole life being treated this way. Everyone I come into contact with acts like I have the cheese touch. Even the police officers from yesterday seemed to be laughing at me in their heads. For so long everyone has perceived me as some sort of goblin creature.
Wouldn't it be funny if I just killed myself today? After everything? It feels like I have to be very physically disabled or have a terminal illness to be taken seriously. But it makes the most sense to kill myself right now. I already have nothing to live for and I'm at a new low. No friends, family, financial status, grades, goals, absolutely zilch. My life keeps getting predictably worse. I've only been alive for this long because
A.) I'm in a standstill with my SI
and B.) I'm not in a situation where it's urgent to kill myself which makes me lucky. I go to bed on a soft mattress each night. I have food in my kitchen. I go to a good school. A lot of bad things happen to me, but nothing bad enough that I cut myself or am in a hurry to hang myself. I have a method a plan. Don't get me wrong, my life is absolute shit. But I'm in a sort of purgatory where if I just died I'd cross over into heaven but hell is all I've known and crossing over is painful. If any of that bs makes sense.
I digress, this is just a petty fantasy of mine, I don't really want to kill myself after having a bad altercation with anyone because of it's implications. But you know..... it does satisfy my suicidal mind to think of....
If the police hadn't come yesterday after I contacted 988 then I would've gone along begrudgingly because I dont want to risk being yelled at. But I'm not now. I would love to kill myself while my "family" is out spitefully because of the way they've treated me. Not taking me seriously and treating me like a toddler throwing a tantrum.
Oh you're suicidal? It's just a rebillious phase you cultivated because you're lazy and you hate ME. I'M so stressed out. God I'M not even yelling at you despite what you did yesterday. What do I need to do to help you? You're being sooooo difficult. I'M already tired and now I have to deal with you.
If I just killed myself I would be free finally. I wouldn't care about anything or anyone. Nothing would matter. And I could throw a final big middle finger at my "family" for treating me like shit. Like.... leaving me alone to go out after finding out I'm suicidal? Seriously? I know you hate me but you're basically begging me to do it. I have an imaginary expectation that someone will come out of the woodworks to help me and soothe me treat me with some kindness. I keep thinking this'll happen but time and time again the universe pulls a jinx card on me.
I really fucked up yesterday. The police coming to my house wasn't supposed to happen. Now I would have to get evaluated tomorrow. Worst thing is no one cares. I just want someone to ask me if I'm okay. And I just want one person to treat me like a human being worthy of value and empathy. Is it because I'm ugly? Or awkwardly quiet? Why have I gone my whole life being treated this way. Everyone I come into contact with acts like I have the cheese touch. Even the police officers from yesterday seemed to be laughing at me in their heads. For so long everyone has perceived me as some sort of goblin creature.
Wouldn't it be funny if I just killed myself today? After everything? It feels like I have to be very physically disabled or have a terminal illness to be taken seriously. But it makes the most sense to kill myself right now. I already have nothing to live for and I'm at a new low. No friends, family, financial status, grades, goals, absolutely zilch. My life keeps getting predictably worse. I've only been alive for this long because
A.) I'm in a standstill with my SI
and B.) I'm not in a situation where it's urgent to kill myself which makes me lucky. I go to bed on a soft mattress each night. I have food in my kitchen. I go to a good school. A lot of bad things happen to me, but nothing bad enough that I cut myself or am in a hurry to hang myself. I have a method a plan. Don't get me wrong, my life is absolute shit. But I'm in a sort of purgatory where if I just died I'd cross over into heaven but hell is all I've known and crossing over is painful. If any of that bs makes sense.
I digress, this is just a petty fantasy of mine, I don't really want to kill myself after having a bad altercation with anyone because of it's implications. But you know..... it does satisfy my suicidal mind to think of....