Venting Upbringing feeds into adulthood:

[MeltingHeart]

Did anyone have a toxic, abusive (just mentally for me) and/ or emotionally unavailale relationship with either or both parents-that has caused you to enter into totally the wrong type of relationships later on, or ruin the few good ones (cos of debilitating insecurities)-leading you back to the unhealthy ones, and then also put up with alot of stuff that u prob shouldnt have but that u just accepted-cos its what u knew and were used to, thereby creating some kind of f**cked up circle, where yr treated in many of the same ways-the exact opposite of what u really needed to overcome those formative experiences? and u might have been ok-if you'd been strong enough and had enough self worth to allow yrself to go for the good things without doubt-or not put up with peoples shitty behaviour on other occasions-both in relationships and friendships too...?

 

[Final Escape]

Yes, I found it difficult to form, maintain healthy relationships because of maltreatment in childhood. It's one big reason I'd like to check out early. It's hard to find reasons to keep going when u know that u will be even more alone as time goes by because u have no family, no real support network. I can hardly keep a support network because I'll push pple away one way or another. I really need to ctb already.

 

[Itsalmosttime]

I understand what you are saying but at what point do people draw a line in the sand and take some responsibility for their situation?

Do people sit around in the nursing home blaming their parents for their life's problems? I hope not.

I've had an awful life but I have to take responsibility for some pretty bad decision making along the way as well.

 

[BPD_LE]

I understand what you are saying but at what point do people draw a line in the sand and take some responsibility for their situation?

I don't take responsibility for my situation. I take responsibility for the way I may react but not for why, if that makes sense. Unfortunately some people's childhood effects their ability to function as an adult. I don't know why it does some and not others, but for some it's catastrophic.

 

[Final Escape]

I understand what you are saying but at what point do people draw a line in the sand and take some responsibility for their situation?

Do people sit around in the nursing home blaming their parents for their life's problems? I hope not.

I've had an awful life but I have to take responsibility for some pretty bad decision making along the way as well.

I had tried to change myself but I never could sustain or maintain any progress. I agree with what u said on taking responsibility for yourself. I feel like I would if I could, there's too much damage. Up till about age 35 or 36 I was still attempting to change my thinking and do like self help shit because I can't access decent therapy. Now I'm just like fuck it lol!

I don't take responsibility for my situation. I take responsibility for the way I may react but not for why, if that makes sense. Unfortunately some people's childhood effects their ability to function as an adult. I don't know why it does some and not others, but for some it's catastrophic.

It has been catastrophic for me and continued to get worse. My ability to manage has gotten less and less. It really is an individual thing I believe. There's an article I read about a young guy who was a programmer and victim of child sexual abuse. He wrote a letter explaining why he had to ctb. I completely relate, even though the sexual abuse I went through was a less intense. I have such severe flaws with the formation of my self, personality, and identity it would take years of therapy that I can't afford.

 

[clownangel]

(I still live at home - one parent is amazing, the other is abusive)

....Yeah. Got me into dangerous situations when I was younger (moving out and staying with not so great people cause anything was better than being home at the time, etc) and everything's just...warped.

I've ended up dating a decent amount of abusive jerks and narcissists and for whatever reason endure a bunch of shit and still feel like I'm to blame when it falls apart- even in platonic relationships. (I also tend to over extend myself for others and neglect myself because it's what I'm used to)

I just don't get why people can't be decent towards their kids, and it sucks that this type of thing is super relatable.

 

[MeltingHeart]

I understand what you are saying but at what point do people draw a line in the sand and take some responsibility for their situation?

Do people sit around in the nursing home blaming their parents for their life's problems? I hope not.

I've had an awful life but I have to take responsibility for some pretty bad decision making along the way as well.

I have looked after myself and taken responsibility for myself and all my actions all my life from a young age-after a v damaging childhood, striving to not dwell on the past, always using every ounce of my inner strength (despite an incredibly tenuous sense of self worth/ esteem) to look forward & be as positive as I could, to work as hard as I could, always aiming to have as little anger & resentment as possible towrds certain people- as I didnt want to be that kind of person, always making sure i didnt act, seem or talk like I 'feel sorry for myself' but unfortunetly having to bear the burden of feeling all these feelings inside but never being allowed to ever talk about them or even slightly let them out-fearing to be accused of-feeling sory for myself or for not taking responsibility for my self, as well as bearing total for responsibility for all that has happened to me; thereby causing me further self hatred due to all my failures- despite my very best & hard efforts (that have caused me to often be running on some kind of level of adrenelin-like constantly in fight or flight mode-resulting in many physical symptoms) to be the best i could be in the circumstances as far as I could, Ive tried incredibly hard- but have cracked later in life under the weight of it all-causing me to have a severe breakdown. to what degree and to what extent are we or can we ever actually be allowed to say - do you know what maybe, just maybe sometimes-and at least to some degree (certainly not entirely) that burden of responsibity should have or could have been partially held by the people that bought you into the world.

Obviously aiming to not be around far far before I get to a nursing home!

(I still live at home - one parent is amazing, the other is abusive)

....Yeah. Got me into dangerous situations when I was younger (moving out and staying with not so great people cause anything was better than being home at the time, etc) and everything's just...warped.

I've ended up dating a decent amount of abusive jerks and narcissists and for whatever reason endure a bunch of shit and still feel like I'm to blame when it falls apart- even in platonic relationships. (I also tend to over extend myself for others and neglect myself because it's what I'm used to)

I just don't get why people can't be decent towards their kids, and it sucks that this type of thing is super relatable.

I can relate to alot of this! as you said jerks, i presume you are (F) so many studies have been done on the impact of a father relationships to daughters, how they are treated when they are young and even as a teenage girl- and how that can impact in the sort of relationship she may end up in later in life. -largely to do with ideas of self worth amongst other factors.
https://blogs.psychcentral.com/knot...ildhood-10-common-effects-on-your-adult-self/ : and this only touches on one parent, not even both!

But we all know this stuff anyways-not much point to share that really-but anyways

 

[I’vehadenough]

Yes, I chose horrible men in my life bc my dad was a violent junky and desensitized me to that behavior. Even when I was in a circle of rich men, I would always be attracted to the fucked up one, like wolf of Wall Street. That's why I'm alone. To make matters worse, a guy beat me up, the doctor operated on my face and disfigured me to the point no man will ever touch me again. That's what a fucked up childhood can lead to and that's why I'm ending my life soon

 

[Sadwind]

fucked up childhood is my middle name. alienation is like home base to me. i'm sorry, fwiw you're NOT alone there, for real.

 

[Marz]

Trauma changes the chemistry and anatomy of the brain. Especially during formative years. Indeed, both my parents were abusive and neglectful. My father was also an alcoholic. I suspect I may suffer cPTSD as result. Has caused me executive dysfunction, emotional dysregulation, hyperarousal, addiction problems, anger issues, flashbacks, etc.
I have 7 ACEs, too. Most people who had shitty childhoods and cannot cope as adults are not at fault, because as kids we are not able to cope without support. And some people are more sensitive.

 

[Sweet emotion]

Childhood trauma definitely affects who you are as an adult and affects social skills and abilities to form meaningful relationship with other people and even how you value yourself. I had a great childhood and I wish everyone was as lucky as me in that area. My family was supportive and fiercely protective of me. I'm an only child. I was taught never to take anyone's shit and treat myself like a queen. And it breaks my heart that other people are not that fortunate. I want to say that everyone on here has worth. It just may be hard for you to see it because if what your parents have done to you and I'm deeply sorry for that. When the people who are supposed to love us and protect us turn on us, it makes us feel unworthy and our standards for living go downhill. I knew a girl whose mother abandoned her at 11. And I would just hold her as she cried, why did my mother leave me? She became a drug addict and eventually passed away at a very young age. I hope she's in peace now. She never understood what was so wrong with her that her mother couldn't accept her for what she was. I think when you become a parent you better make a conscious choice to love and care for your child no matter what. Whether they are gay, straight, transexual, whatever. I don't see how anyone could do such physical and mental damage to their own flesh and blood and my heart goes out to all of you on here whose parents didn't treat you right. To me you are all worthy and important and special. I hope one day that you are able to believe that. You deserve the best that life has to offer. I know life doesn't always offer the best or I wouldn't be on here. But don't pull your shine for anyone. Family isn't always blood. We can make family wherever we go. If someone loves you enough to stick by you in the best and worst times, consider them family. Lots of love and peace to all of you.

I don't take responsibility for my situation. I take responsibility for the way I may react but not for why, if that makes sense. Unfortunately some people's childhood effects their ability to function as an adult. I don't know why it does some and not others, but for some it's catastrophic.

I understand what you mean.

 

[MeltingHeart]

Yes, I chose horrible men in my life bc my dad was a violent junky and desensitized me to that behavior. Even when I was in a circle of rich men, I would always be attracted to the fucked up one, like wolf of Wall Street. That's why I'm alone. To make matters worse, a guy beat me up, the doctor operated on my face and disfigured me to the point no man will ever touch me again. That's what a fucked up childhood can lead to and that's why I'm ending my life soon

Also kind of feel like u end up up thinking that is all you deserve-cos you dont know any thing else, I also had really weird way to relate to sex- I never had any hugs throughout my childhood so deeply yearned for physical closeness-then as I got older I got that physical closeness through other means-sometimes of course it was fine-and still enjoyable or whatever-but sometimes I would think - actually really all I wanted was a hug-but as a grown up you cant exactly go out on dates and be like-can you just hold me and love me and tell me you care and make me feel like my life has some value cos my dad never did- guys would be like 'um what the f*k and run a million miles'!! -understandably so. I also weirdly ended up going with guys that were super cold, not very cuddly and very emotionally available (i mean even by normal guy standards- i would go for the extremely distant ones) - when what I needed was the exact opposite of that type- it might of helped me a little had I found the right one.

Yes, I chose horrible men in my life bc my dad was a violent junky and desensitized me to that behavior. Even when I was in a circle of rich men, I would always be attracted to the fucked up one, like wolf of Wall Street. That's why I'm alone. To make matters worse, a guy beat me up, the doctor operated on my face and disfigured me to the point no man will ever touch me again. That's what a fucked up childhood can lead to and that's why I'm ending my life soon

I hope that guy got held accountable- and the doctor too for that matter!

 

[I’vehadenough]

Also kind of feel like u end up up thinking that is all you deserve-cos you dont know any thing else, I also had really weird way to relate to sex- I never had any hugs throughout my childhood so deeply yearned for physical closeness-then as I got older I got that physical closeness through other means-sometimes of course it was fine-and still enjoyable or whatever-but sometimes I would think - actually really all I wanted was a hug-but as a grown up you cant exactly go out on dates and be like-can you just hold me and love me and tell me you care and make me feel like my life has some value cos my dad never did- guys would be like 'um what the f*k and run a million miles'!! -understandably so. I also weirdly ended up going with guys that were super cold, not very cuddly and very emotionally available (i mean even by normal guy standards- i would go for the extremely distant ones) - when what I needed was the exact opposite of that type- it might of helped me a little had I found the right one.

I hope that guy got held accountable- and the doctor too for that matter!

That need for affection is hard. I never had it before this happened, but now that I can't get affection anymore, I feel desperate for anyone to touch me...it's fucked up. I know the pain you feel in that sense, it's agony.

And that guy isn't accountable unless I show up to court, but most likely I'll be dead before then, and I'd rather him beat me up everyday than look like this. The doctor of course, isn't accountable because he is protected by the hell-th care industry.

 

[MeltingHeart]

the closest i have ever been to my dad is him now( in my mid 30s )knocking on the door to hand me on a plate -the anti-depressent-that they are making me take because ALL my sadness is this mysterious mental illness (I have never been diagnosed with anything) that has just come out of no where and yet makes me want to end my life. My step mum orders him upstairs to deliver the pill to make sure i take it- him silently handing me that over-like a f**kin robot with a lead heart - this is him finally 'caring' and 'providing' for me. He had two sons after me, that he provided for well beyond there v young years, do some men simply prefer boys? or was it because I am tied up with the past, a mistake that went wrong? Im not an angry person at all by nature but feel like yelling yeah good one!! I literally want to grab the plate and throw it across the room and shout in his face f**K offffff!!!!! u cold , un caring bastard!! but i never have , and i dont - I just sit quietly crying and crying , wishing I can find a way to end it.
Sorry - I'm getting too emotional on here - need to be on here for more practical reasons going forward

 

[welshie84]

I had an abudive childhood. My first partner was mentally and physically abusive too but I stayed for nearly 13 years because abuse was all i knew. I left him 4 days after my dad passed away. When that happened to me it was a wake up call not to waste my life on people like my partner.