Venting Untitled

[SonOfSam]

I keep going back and forth. Is it time for me to ctb or is it time to start running. Could I salvage the broken pieces of my life, and assemble something? Is there even a point when it takes days for me to come back to the realization that I'm not meant for the world. I don't want to be in poverty my entire life, I don't want to be homeless again.

I almost feel like the people that used to be in my life need a closing, because I don't talk to people anymore. I have 0.00 family and 0.00 friends. I want them to know that I'm never coming back, that I've been suffering and I should've departed years ago. I'm not sure if I met good genuine people today if I'd be able to even acknowledge it and let them past my walls.

I've been suicidal since I was 14 and nine years later I've gotten no peace. I find myself constantly distracting myself, be it computer video games, music, self-medicating, sleeping all day long, etc. Everything I've done in the last nine years has been me trying to feel slightly better about this condition, to forget it existed, to forget I'm really here. I've been sober from hard drugs for four years, alcohol for two, and I don't know how I've made it so long. Because honestly, I don't see a difference in my misery.

Part of my wants to end it at the same place that has "helped" me to still be here ( psychiatric hospital ). I have a fantasy of lying in the courtyard between all the buildings at the hospital, and pulling the trigger into my brain. Maybe then they'd stop the bullshit inside that place. Anybody else get the urge to kill themselves in public? At the same time, I would love to be out in the middle of nowhere, completely surrounded by nature where I take my last breath.

I occasionally will talk to a stranger briefly but I'm not good with relationships of any kind. The "family" I was raised into was emotionally abusive, and I've always struggled in loving my mom or my dad. They've taken their love away several times and I don't forgive them. I honestly never want to see them again. It's why I lock myself places. I have some belongings I need to stuff into my car before I drive away from here forever.

Somehow my body continues to push forward. I think it's time I stop distracting myself from the pain. It's time to stop using technology for hours in a day. I think it's time I start reading again whether it be about methods of approaching depression and anxiety or if it's learning more about Buddhism. I think it's time I start running ( putting in work that will make me feel more at peace in life, not physically running ). I have a lot of different ideas on how I could kill myself if I needed to but I think I'm going to take more time to make a decision.


[ Sorry if reading this is weird but my thinking is very unorganized and it's taken me some time to even make this post somewhat readable. ]

 

[MsMaudlin]

Hi,
Can I just say well done on the abstaining from drink and drugs, it's such a difficult thing to do.
I listen to Buddhist things, also Dr Gabor Matè, he says some interesting things, and Russell Brand too.
Love and Peace x

 

[Temporarilyabsurd]

I've been off compulsive drinking for a few years .

The first few years are rough .

Delirium tremens - Wikipedia

en.wikipedia.org

I'd never heard about this before ... I made a lot of mistakes because I was experiencing that .

Give yourself some time ... it takes a while for the mind to acclimatize to no alcohol.

edit to add ..... I've re read it myself and it says it's only immediately after stopping.
Technically not my experience .
What I am saying is it takes a while for the brain/mind/body to recover .

I have noticed a general improvement ... but it is three to four years now.

Sorry for any confusion , and good luck with sobriety .

 

[SonOfSam]

I've been off compulsive drinking for a few years .

The first few years are rough .

Delirium tremens - Wikipedia

en.wikipedia.org

I'd never heard about this before ... I made a lot of mistakes because I was experiencing that .

I don't believe that's what I'm experiencing. I have experienced psychosis in the past but it was drug related not alcohol. Out of all the symptoms I think the only one I currently have is some paranoia.

Give yourself some time ... it takes a while for the mind to acclimatize to no alcohol.

I think that may be true for a lot of substances. I quit smoking cigarettes at the same time I quit alcohol, and I still want cigarettes daily. Any idea on how much time it takes for the addictive part of the brain to start healing?

 

[Temporarilyabsurd]

Any idea on how much time it takes for the addictive part of the brain to start healing?

I am an Alan Carr follower . I listened to the audio book last time .

I quit , but started again .

Had six months off of cigs early last year . Then I caved .

I don't think there is an addictive mind thing , but that's just me .
I think it's conditioning , brainwashing ...

I'm still on them so cannot help you . I'm still in the pit !

I know I have to stop ... :/

edit ;

a big part is social , I was stuck in my own zone with no people and lost my shit when i caved.
If I'd been involved - even just a little , with some healthy people I think it would have helped .

some fitness class or something ( sounds loathsome , but I think it is helpful ) God , I'm not looking forward to it !

 

[GoodPersonEffed]

My response to the OP is that you had the abilities and inner resources needed to accomplish and maintain sobriety, and that's impressive. It seems you are now seeking other means to accomplish what you seek. Of course you don't know if other means will accomplish that, but it seems that at least you have the abilities and inner resources to accomplish the means.

Last year I studied Buddhism and found this source helpful, the book In the Buddha's Words by North Amercian monk and Buddhist scholar Bikkhu Bodhi. The Buddha's teachings were passed on orally, and eventually written primarily in the Pali Cannon, the closest one can get to his actual words. Bodhi translates parts of the canon and lays out the foundational teachings in a more linear fashion that works better for the contemporary student. I studied the book for a while and it assisted me in deciding whether or not Buddhism is for me, what parts of it do and do not work for me, and whether I even agree with the Buddha or consider him qualified to be my spiritual teacher.

 

[LegaliseIt!]

I'm not in a place where I can give you specific advice, but I am grateful that you shared your feelings about public suicide. If my method would work in public, I would do it publicly in order to protest our barbaric euthanasia laws.
Do not ever feel bad about sharing on the forums. This is a safe space and it can help to share thoughts and feelings here.

 

[SonOfSam]

a big part is social , I was stuck in my own zone with no people and lost my shit when i caved.
If I'd been involved - even just a little , with some healthy people I think it would have helped .

some fitness class or something ( sounds loathsome , but I think it is helpful ) God , I'm not looking forward to it !

My motivation for stopping basically came from a few experiences with alcohol where I had full body sickness. I used to smoke occasionally when I wasn't drinking, but if I drank I would smoke a pack or two. If I hadn't had those terrible experiences I would either still be in that cycle or I would've overdosed.

I studied the book for a while and it assisted me in deciding whether or not Buddhism is for me, what parts of it do and do not work for me, and whether I even agree with the Buddha or consider him qualified to be my spiritual teacher.

I will check out that book, thank you for your insight.

I'm not in a place where I can give you specific advice, but I am grateful that you shared your feelings about public suicide. If my method would work in public, I would do it publicly in order to protest our barbaric euthanasia laws.
Do not ever feel bad about sharing on the forums. This is a safe space and it can help to share thoughts and feelings here.

I live in the US and here firearms are available. I wasn't successful in hanging myself the first time and have been fearful of being a vegetable, not that it really matters. For myself, either shooting myself, or overdosing on fent would be my two top choices for ctb. I'm mixed about ctb in public, part of me doesn't want to burden, and part of me wants to be a burden one last time.

 

[chris8000]

Yeah you should totally look more into Buddhism if it interests you, that is a potential way out of depression and anxiety. It was my way out of depression and drug use and so on. In the Buddhas words, the book, is by my bed at night actually, interesting that @GoodPersonEffed. It's quite hardcore though, because it is the Pali cannon and was written a long long time ago, so not so good for learning meditation and can be hard to understand perhaps.

Ajahn Sumedho is one of the best modern Buddhist teachers, in mine and many others opinion. Can get his dhamma talks through googling or his meditation text mindfulness the path to the deathless in pdf free online. The other teacher people recommend a lot is Ajahn Brahm, and he has a lot of stuff through YouTube, sometimes people like him if they don't like Sumedho.

Wishing you all the best.

 

[TimeToBiteTheDust]

A man I know stopped drinking after an accident. He was drunk crossed the street and a car broke his leg.

 

[GoodPersonEffed]

Yeah you should totally look more into Buddhism if it interests you, that is a potential way out of depression and anxiety. It was my way out of depression and drug use and so on. In the Buddhas words, the book, is by my bed at night actually, interesting that @GoodPersonEffed. It's quite hardcore though, because it is the Pali cannon and was written a long long time ago, so not so good for learning meditation and can be hard to understand perhaps.

Hmm. I agree and disagree.

If I may...

I found the text accessible, but I also have a scholarly bent and background, though those are not necessarily prerequisites for enjoying or comprehending the book. While Bodhi directly quotes the Pali Canon, he also provides thoughtful commentary as to the meaning. I would say this is definitely a good book to read after having learned a bit of Buddhist philosophy elsewhere, but for some readers it may be an excellent first step as well.

Meditation is addressed a lot in the book, but I agree that it is not a text for learning the mechanics of meditation. However it addresses some of the foundational philosophy of Indian and Buddhist meditation, especially loving-kindness (meta), equanimity, and two others of the "four heavenly abodes" meditations. Personally, I like to know the philosophy and reasoning of doing something before I invest in doing it... I say after many years of fodder for hindsight. For instance, I would highly recommend thoroughly researching Transcendental Meditation (TM), including caveats, before beginning based solely on anecdotal or even scientific evidence of its success.

Finally, the OP specifically mentioned learning more about Buddhism. There are many sources out there. I am not familiar with those you mentioned (not included in the quote). I decided, for myself, to stop reading others' interpretations and get as close to the original source as I could. It helped me to understand the foundations of what I had learned elsewhere, but most importantly - to me - it gave me the information I needed to determine if I truly agree with the Buddha and the foundations of Buddhism.

 

[chris8000]

Yeah it's a great book everyone recommends, not a good place to start to learn meditation though, about the philosophy yes of course it is.

At the end of the day, the dhamma is to be experienced, and only through experiencing it do you really understand it. That understanding isn't gained through the intellectual mind, but through practice and seeing the truth of the way things are.

 

[GoodPersonEffed]

Clarifying to myself here because the discussion is stimulating, not in any way being argumentative....

Buddhism is a foundational source for DBT in addressing depression and suffering. A similar tool is Stoic philosophy. Both philosophies address suffering, and coping with it through non-attachment. Stoicism further looks at what is in your control and what is not in your control to reduce unnecessary suffering and attachment. Both philosophies are exercises in the cognitive and the rational. Stoicism is a foundational source in REBT, CBT, and other cognitive-based therapies, and CBT is a foundation of DBT. However, the cognitive is often not enough.

Meditation, like prayer, is a method with a multitude of possible techniques and things to focus on, but it does not require faith. Mindfulness can indeed reduce anxiety and depression because it helps one be aware of what is, in the present, which is addressed by Buddha with his comment that, more important than the auspicious and miraculous circumstances of his birth, he is aware of his thoughts as they rise and pass. Mindfulness can be an antidote to the reaction of dissociation when it becomes a crutch or pathology rather than a tool, as addiction becomes a pathology rather than substance use being a tool of temporary diversion. The caveat with meditation is that it accesses different brain waves, and over time can change how the brain functions. One needs awareness to recognize if meditation is leading to groundedness, or becomes ungrounding instead.

 

[SonOfSam]

Two books that I've read bits and pieces of are Seeing That Frees - Rob Burbea, which I found gave myself a dangerous mindset, as if nothing really mattered. The second book, which has been years since I've opened, is The Wise Heart - Jack Kornfield. I feel like I have the ability to misinterpret the texts in an unhealthy way, and I'm very cautious about it now that I've realized.

I have tried meta meditation before, it was something a therapist of mine had recommended. I'm also very familiar with DBT and CBT, as I've been hospitalized over a dozen times in the last four years, it was something taught at one of the hospitals I went to. I try to use both of them as frequently as I can. I really need to get back into meditation, because medication has done nothing for me.

My only advice, for what it's worth, would be for you to dive into any words or tools or changes you feel subtly attracted to, and see where you leads you.

Thank you.