Unsure if I can live in a world built around cars

[Sayo]

Starting to think I can't possibly cope with living without a licence. I can't drive because I'm substantially disabled (my vision alone would unconditionally disqualify me from getting a licence, but I also have seizure-like episodes, unilateral hearing loss, motor skill problems, and other things that mean it would be dangerous for me and everyone else if I drove). I was told when I was quite young that I'd never drive a car, so I always managed, but now I'm starting to cope ok day-to-day within the rather nihilistic parameters I've set for myself, I've started to feel the limits to my situation for the first time (really).

It's difficult for me to walk long distances unfortunately, and I live in a place where walking is not an option. Where I live doesn't have great public transportation either, and it takes hours to get places you could get to in fifteen minutes with a car. The inner city is too expensive, and I'd hate to live there anyway, really hate it. I have my mother to drive me, but I can't really describe it to people who can transport themselves... it's the quality of never being free, never being able to do anything you want, nothing spontaneous or without considering other people, never having real autonomy or feeling fully in possession of personhood. That's more important to me at this point than the practical things it stops me from doing. I could get a social worker to drive me, but it would be an inferior, more stressful, and more restrictive option than having my mother drive me. When my partner is able to move here, it would be better, but work is a thing, and mostly I want to have the freedom to be alone outside sometimes without having to be 'dropped off'.

I don't think Uber even operates where I live, but it wouldn't be an option (nor taxis) financially, let alone on any other level.

I know this probably sounds like unreasonable whining. I've done a good job most of my life coping with my disabilities, although I've been denied most of my dreams. I don't know how little is too little.

Cycling is something I've flirted with, but the reasons I can't drive also make cycling unsafe here (Australia), since there aren't separated cycling lanes where I live, I have poor situational awareness, and I can't balance (but I could get a bicycle with stabilising wheels - kind of like adult training wheels - at least). I live near a sharp bend in the road, too. My philosophy at this point is 'it would be better to die cycling than live like this', so I'll think about it more, but I have to admit I'm scared of the outcomes in between (brain damage).

Most of my life I've been a hikikomori and extremely smothered, and my desire to leave the house has been negligible, but I feel essentially immobilised now and yearn for fresh air and exploration and the ability to be alone. It's pretty horrible. If I spoke to anyone about this, they would say 'but I can drive you!' or something, which makes it doubly frustrating. The worst thing is being mocked for never leaving my room by the same people, as if it isn't a product of being disabled, abused, and treated poorly at home (to the point only my room is a viable place to be).

Incidentally, my disabilities and subsequent dependence are why I have not succeeded yet in simply catching the bus. Opportunities for me to be unsupervised are pretty rare and require serious contrivance.

I totally empathise with elderly people who refuse to give up driving. Obviously it's not good, but when you look at what their lives will become when they do, socially and otherwise, even before you think about the denial about aging many of them are in, it's pretty hard to fault them any more than the world around them.

I don't know if I'll reply to any potential responses, because writing this severely exhausted me, so I'm not soliciting any - but being able to write it down and post it here was helpful.

 

[CynicalHopelessness]

Cycling might be the best option you have. Get a helmet to reduce the risk of brain injures

 

[theguineapigking]

Hey. I can understand what you are going through(as much as one could from the outside). I'm not saying my issues are worse or anything. But I don't drive either. I'm 21 in the USA.

I have a genetic illness that causes chronic fatigue,Brain fog,dizziness,migraine,etc. I bought a car and got my driving permit a few years ago and my brain fog and fatigue was SOOOO bad that I had trouble driving. I was turning and came close to driving over the outside lines. I just gave up. I can only work 15-20 hours a week,so it took me forever to save up for the $3,000 car(with repairs and other fee crap). I drove it for like 3 weeks. That was enough to know that I can't really drive safely. My 17 year old brother just got a nice car and has his full license. My mom and dad always drive me to and from work. I hate feeling confined. There's no way I'm having my younger brother drive me either.



The whole driving thing just added to my depression. I don't know why I didn't just ctb then. But I should be soon. So I guess it doesn't matter if I drive or not.

I just wanted to post to let you know that someone else understands. I hope the bicycle travel works well for you. Have you thought about an electric bike(you can even buy a kit to add onto an existing bike). Maybe that and you could find larger training wheels to help with balance. Hopefully you find something.


I wish you luck.

 

[Deleted member 1465]

I gave up my car several years ago. I have various physical issues and chronic lack of sleep. It would have been irresponsible for me to continue to be on the road. Not to mention the cost.
I miss it so much. before I was like this I never could have imagined not being able to drive. My car was my lifeline and I enjoyed tinkering and buying and selling cars on ebay too. I was always happy when I went to my mechanic. I'd stay with him as he worked on my car, make the tea, clean his computer etc. and he'd teach me about engines. I miss those day and I miss the freedom of driving down the back roads with the stereo on and all your cares blowing out the windows.
Keep driving as long as you can but be honest with yourself and give it up if you genuinely feel you should.

 

[Sayo]

I really appreciate the replies. And I'm sorry to those of you who are going through this too. It's even crueller for you who had a taste of independence through driving, I think.

Cycling might be the best option you have. Get a helmet to reduce the risk of brain injures

I agree. And I am going to do it, because I have to find a way to cope. Helmets are mandated by law here, I will definitely look into everything I can to make it safe. I also found out that there are a lot of cycleways being built here now so my road time will be minimised. :)

Hey. I can understand what you are going through(as much as one could from the outside). I'm not saying my issues are worse or anything. But I don't drive either. I'm 21 in the USA.

I have a genetic illness that causes chronic fatigue,Brain fog,dizziness,migraine,etc. I bought a car and got my driving permit a few years ago and my brain fog and fatigue was SOOOO bad that I had trouble driving. I was turning and came close to driving over the outside lines. I just gave up. I can only work 15-20 hours a week,so it took me forever to save up for the $3,000 car(with repairs and other fee crap). I drove it for like 3 weeks. That was enough to know that I can't really drive safely. My 17 year old brother just got a nice car and has his full license. My mom and dad always drive me to and from work. I hate feeling confined. There's no way I'm having my younger brother drive me either.



The whole driving thing just added to my depression. I don't know why I didn't just ctb then. But I should be soon. So I guess it doesn't matter if I drive or not.

I just wanted to post to let you know that someone else understands. I hope the bicycle travel works well for you. Have you thought about an electric bike(you can even buy a kit to add onto an existing bike). Maybe that and you could find larger training wheels to help with balance. Hopefully you find something.


I wish you luck.

Thank you. I have a genetic illness too and it's why I have all these physical issues, they're from tumours and things. I'm sorry to hear about your illness and the problems you had driving, I know giving up must have been brutal (especially when most people are raised to expect to drive) but it must have been scary to be so unsafe too. I know what you mean by feeling confined and not wanting someone else to drive you around, I'm pretty sick of it myself, and I often compare myself to my younger brother too, since he can do a lot more things as a result of not being disabled (including driving).

Also, I hadn't considered getting an electric bicycle, but because of your post I looked into the legality of it here and found that I will be able to get one modded for me and to accommodate my other disabilities. So I'm going to contact an occupational therapist soon and get an electric bicycle. That + the stabiliser wheels should make things a bit easier for me. I hadn't thought of it until you suggested it and I appreciate it so much, because that helped push me into getting things started.

I hope things work out for you and you find the peace you need, however that has to be. I'm sorry we live in a world that is built to exclude people with limited mobility, I know it would be hard for you regardless with neurological issues but the car-orientedness of most countries really exacerbates how hard it is to get anywhere. You really, really helped me and I'm incredibly grateful.

I gave up my car several years ago. I have various physical issues and chronic lack of sleep. It would have been irresponsible for me to continue to be on the road. Not to mention the cost.
I miss it so much. before I was like this I never could have imagined not being able to drive. My car was my lifeline and I enjoyed tinkering and buying and selling cars on ebay too. I was always happy when I went to my mechanic. I'd stay with him as he worked on my car, make the tea, clean his computer etc. and he'd teach me about engines. I miss those day and I miss the freedom of driving down the back roads with the stereo on and all your cares blowing out the windows.
Keep driving as long as you can but be honest with yourself and give it up if you genuinely feel you should.

I can't drive and never have been able to drive, but I think that makes it a little easier for me to bear, because I never had an expectation of being able to drive. I never developed a passion for cars like you, for example, or got to understand how free drivers can feel, or used to being able to take myself wherever I liked. I do fantasise about the same thing you are describing though, driving down the back roads with music on and the windows down (I grew up in a country town and that's pretty much all there is to do in those kinds of places lol).

I'm sorry because you lost both a vital way to access the world and an important passion. It's good you're so self-aware about it though. Thank you for sharing your experience with cars with me and how you came by your knowledge; the story about your mechanic was particularly nice. Not every kind of business you can go in and enjoy that sort of friendship, that's for sure.

 

[Deleted member 1465]

the story about your mechanic was particularly nice. Not every kind of business you can go in and enjoy that sort of friendship, that's for sure.

He was old school. I used to look forward to those visits and learned a lot. I'd never be a mechanic, but I new enough to keep the old heap running and point the professionals in the right direction when it didn't. Now people are disconnected. They don't want to know how things work or why, just get it fixed and not think about it.

 

[RM5998]

Welp, add that to a list of impending problems I'm avoiding thinking about...

I have a driving license, but that's because the bar for that in my country is below sea level. And it's also a bar I failed to cross the first time I gave my driving test, so... yeah. Even if I got more confident with driving, my eyes are headed towards going bust somewhere in this decade, considering the abuse they have to go through. And considering how my mom's surgery went, I'm not sure I'm going to have usable eyes after my inevitable retinal detachment comes around.

I understand that feeling of not wanting to be ferried around, though... I would prefer walking home for 90 mins from school than being driven around every time. Thankfully, I don't have motor disabilities, so I can still walk to and from places. I can't imagine what that would be like.

I'd second the cycle solution. Or public transportation, if that's an option.

And now, if you don't mind, I'll try to forget that I even read this, just so that I can ignore my problems for longer.

 

[noaccount]

Cars and car-infrastructure are awful yeah! In some cities the car-makers lobbied to destroy perfectly good bus and trolly systems, and then built low underpasses that cars but not buses could drive under, to keep poor people out of some neighborhoods and beaches. A lot of people in Los Angeles and other places tried to stop freeways from being built through their neighborhoods, a lot of what's good for cars is bad for people :(
Stablizing wheels or adult trikes might be good options...

 

[Emergency Exit]

walking is best no cars near you when walk

 

[theguineapigking]

I really appreciate the replies. And I'm sorry to those of you who are going through this too. It's even crueller for you who had a taste of independence through driving, I think.



I agree. And I am going to do it, because I have to find a way to cope. Helmets are mandated by law here, I will definitely look into everything I can to make it safe. I also found out that there are a lot of cycleways being built here now so my road time will be minimised. :)



Thank you. I have a genetic illness too and it's why I have all these physical issues, they're from tumours and things. I'm sorry to hear about your illness and the problems you had driving, I know giving up must have been brutal (especially when most people are raised to expect to drive) but it must have been scary to be so unsafe too. I know what you mean by feeling confined and not wanting someone else to drive you around, I'm pretty sick of it myself, and I often compare myself to my younger brother too, since he can do a lot more things as a result of not being disabled (including driving).

Also, I hadn't considered getting an electric bicycle, but because of your post I looked into the legality of it here and found that I will be able to get one modded for me and to accommodate my other disabilities. So I'm going to contact an occupational therapist soon and get an electric bicycle. That + the stabiliser wheels should make things a bit easier for me. I hadn't thought of it until you suggested it and I appreciate it so much, because that helped push me into getting things started.

I hope things work out for you and you find the peace you need, however that has to be. I'm sorry we live in a world that is built to exclude people with limited mobility, I know it would be hard for you regardless with neurological issues but the car-orientedness of most countries really exacerbates how hard it is to get anywhere. You really, really helped me and I'm incredibly grateful.

I can't drive and never have been able to drive, but I think that makes it a little easier for me to bear, because I never had an expectation of being able to drive. I never developed a passion for cars like you, for example, or got to understand how free drivers can feel, or used to being able to take myself wherever I liked. I do fantasise about the same thing you are describing though, driving down the back roads with music on and the windows down (I grew up in a country town and that's pretty much all there is to do in those kinds of places lol).

I'm sorry because you lost both a vital way to access the world and an important passion. It's good you're so self-aware about it though. Thank you for sharing your experience with cars with me and how you came by your knowledge; the story about your mechanic was particularly nice. Not every kind of business you can go in and enjoy that sort of friendship, that's for sure.

Yoi

Starting to think I can't possibly cope with living without a licence. I can't drive because I'm substantially disabled (my vision alone would unconditionally disqualify me from getting a licence, but I also have seizure-like episodes, unilateral hearing loss, motor skill problems, and other things that mean it would be dangerous for me and everyone else if I drove). I was told when I was quite young that I'd never drive a car, so I always managed, but now I'm starting to cope ok day-to-day within the rather nihilistic parameters I've set for myself, I've started to feel the limits to my situation for the first time (really).

It's difficult for me to walk long distances unfortunately, and I live in a place where walking is not an option. Where I live doesn't have great public transportation either, and it takes hours to get places you could get to in fifteen minutes with a car. The inner city is too expensive, and I'd hate to live there anyway, really hate it. I have my mother to drive me, but I can't really describe it to people who can transport themselves... it's the quality of never being free, never being able to do anything you want, nothing spontaneous or without considering other people, never having real autonomy or feeling fully in possession of personhood. That's more important to me at this point than the practical things it stops me from doing. I could get a social worker to drive me, but it would be an inferior, more stressful, and more restrictive option than having my mother drive me. When my partner is able to move here, it would be better, but work is a thing, and mostly I want to have the freedom to be alone outside sometimes without having to be 'dropped off'.

I don't think Uber even operates where I live, but it wouldn't be an option (nor taxis) financially, let alone on any other level.

I know this probably sounds like unreasonable whining. I've done a good job most of my life coping with my disabilities, although I've been denied most of my dreams. I don't know how little is too little.

Cycling is something I've flirted with, but the reasons I can't drive also make cycling unsafe here (Australia), since there aren't separated cycling lanes where I live, I have poor situational awareness, and I can't balance (but I could get a bicycle with stabilising wheels - kind of like adult training wheels - at least). I live near a sharp bend in the road, too. My philosophy at this point is 'it would be better to die cycling than live like this', so I'll think about it more, but I have to admit I'm scared of the outcomes in between (brain damage).

Most of my life I've been a hikikomori and extremely smothered, and my desire to leave the house has been negligible, but I feel essentially immobilised now and yearn for fresh air and exploration and the ability to be alone. It's pretty horrible. If I spoke to anyone about this, they would say 'but I can drive you!' or something, which makes it doubly frustrating. The worst thing is being mocked for never leaving my room by the same people, as if it isn't a product of being disabled, abused, and treated poorly at home (to the point only my room is a viable place to be).

Incidentally, my disabilities and subsequent dependence are why I have not succeeded yet in simply catching the bus. Opportunities for me to be unsupervised are pretty rare and require serious contrivance.

I totally empathise with elderly people who refuse to give up driving. Obviously it's not good, but when you look at what their lives will become when they do, socially and otherwise, even before you think about the denial about aging many of them are in, it's pretty hard to fault them any more than the world around them.

I don't know if I'll reply to any potential responses, because writing this severely exhausted me, so I'm not soliciting any - but being able to write it down and post it here was helpful.

Hey. You have no idea how happy that made me. I'm pretty useless in general. But being able to give you good advice that helps you really makes me happy. I know it sounds weird because I'm a random guy on the internet. But I really like helping people.

I used to think about making an ebike. If you have the right kind of bike with the appropriate gears, the kit can be cheaper than buying an actual ebike. Sometimes you can find the kit pretty cheap without the SLA(sealed led acid) batteries. Then buy the batteries on eBay(look for a decent brand) I wish I would've gotten an ebike kit ages ago. The reason I recommended this over a moped is because of the ability to add training wheels. I'm sure you could find modified wheels that are larger. Often the kit would say to get 10 ah(amp hour) batteries or 12ah. If you find that 14 is the same physical size as 12,go with those as they will provide you with around 1/6 more capacity. As long as the voltage(12 volts) is correct and the ah is the minimum of what the kit says to use,then you don't have to worry about much. The battery harness is included with the kit. You connect the positive of battery one to the negative of battery 2. Then the remaining positive and negative plug into the ebike control board. The reason for the wiring is to increase the voltage from 12 to 24 volts(series wiring). If you look into the kit,just google how to series wire the batteries.


I gave you the info above in case you use the kit, which can be cheaper.

I really hope the ebike works out well for you. :)

 

[Cashewmilk]

I feel the same way. I was able to drive before, maybe, I don't know honestly. I'm a very confused person, I haven't been officially diagnosed or anything yet (doctors here have no time for anyone around here), but I did "learn" sort of how to drive, but it was HARD. I'm physically very weak, so moving the car with the wheel was heavy, it felt like I was moving a huge load. I don't know why, it was scary, coordinating and moving this huge vehicle trying to stay safe on the road, it scared me. That was over 10 years ago easily, funny thing is I got 100% on my first learners permit (the one where you take the test on the computer), so I only made it that far. My parents also made it super hard for me to drive and learn to drive at a young age, they didn't let me near the front seat until I "got my learners at 16" ugh, so that also instilled a seed of anxiety in me that grew over the years. Now I'm totally unable at age 31, I have severe anxiety, confusion, dyslexia, intoxication from medication, I always mix up my right/lefts, I freak out when cars are coming from side roads, especially nowadays there are a lot of barbaric drivers in my city, my city is getting bigger and bigger every year, so it's even more scary. They have no respect for other drivers, they drink and drive constantly, they make the most insane driving moves it's unbelievable and very scary. I'd have to move out of here first if I ever thought I could drive again. I freak out while in the car with a driver, while in the passenger's seat. My mom, sister etc when they drive me they get irritated over my freak outs, I can't help it. I'm so paranoid, it's not about dying that I'm worried about, it's about getting horribly injured and feeling the intense pain and fear of a crash, and the humiliation from fender benders and minor accidents, the blame from my emotionally abusive family, the anxiety. I just don't have the will to even try anymore. I really don't think I should be on the road either, I'm trying to be responsible in that way, I absolutely do not want to be responsible for another person's life, especially children. So I stay away from driving, and procreation

I hate it though, I hate it so much! I wish so badly I could drive, I hate taking transit. I barely go anywhere anyway, and when I do, it's always a huge ordeal for everyone. Either I have to take transit, or someone has to drive me. It's extremely infuriating and embarrassing too, but I just know I can't drive, I *will* get into an accident for sure. I hate the whole idea of driving too, the way we've created this system of moving a ton of fast moving metal freely on roads, I don't know, it just doesn't seem right to me. It's very risky, and there are accidents literally every second... I don't know a better alternative though, it's probably a stupid thought too, I often have dumb thoughts.

 

[CuddleHug]

I'm not able to drive either. It's all in my head, nothing physical preventing me from doing it. Well, my eyes are a bit wonky, so I don't trust them for something so important. Luckily I live in a city with good public transportation, so I'm doing fine without a car. I hate being in crowded places, though.

What I'm really hoping for is self-driving cars and some kind of car-pooling system where I can use an app to say where I'm going, get picked up by an idle car nearby and not have to worry about parking or anything. Would be amazing to have my personal self-driving car, but I wouldn't use it enough to be worth the cost (if I could even afford it). And bad for the environment, for that matter.

The only problem is that it's probably too far away. Technology is getting closer, but we need laws and regulations, and those take time to update. I'll probably end up CTB before it's reality.

 

[Nem]

Sorry to hear you are stressed about your situation. I have a job where I drive on average at least 200kms a day and have really ran up the mileage on cars, the repairs and gas can be quite serious. Driving can be stressful and so can not being able to drive but try not to feel it's the be all, I know it may suck but driving can be anxiety provoking as well.
I hope you can figure out a solution despite the limitations presented to you
Peace/hugs