Venting unpacking my thoughts from when i was 12

[waistcoat]

at age 12, a close friend- my closest ever -overdosed, they were also 12, they survived, and a decade on are doing much better.

back then, i felt a weird emotion; one i'd never felt before, one that i've never felt since, one that confused me, one that felt wrong to experience, and one that felt even worse to tell anyone i was experiencing; so i buried it.

i've spent many years trying to figure out what that emotion was, and i recently figured it out: jealousy.

i, as a 12 year old, was jealous of my friend who had overdosed. i was jealous that they were strong enough to actually try. i was jealous of the days they spent in hospital having their stomach pumped. i was jealous of the support they received afterwards.

i hope that people react the same way when i die.

it's funny to me how 22 paracetamol tablets, 11mg dosage, is all it takes to get support, maybe i should try that before my 200mg sn.

 

[SVEN]

I get the feelings, however I'd steer clear of Paracetomol if you consider a "cry for help" attempt. You'll have the potential of serious organ damage followed by two or three dialysis sessions weekly for the remainder of your life unless you have. Successfull transplant. Should you be unfortunate enough to die from the overdose, it's a hellish, protracted way to go.

 

[waistcoat]

I get the feelings, however I'd steer clear of Paracetomol if you consider a "cry for help" attempt. You'll have the potential of serious organ damage followed by two or three dialysis sessions weekly for the remainder of your life unless you have. Successfull transplant. Should you be unfortunate enough to die from the overdose, it's a hellish, protracted way to go.

ha, i'd be happy to die from it, i don't want to be alive, my organs are already fucked from medical abuse, i don't have long left here regardless on my ctb

 

[Praestat_Mori]

I'm sorry you have to go through this and you feel so desperate. I ask myself what drives a 12 year old to think about dying?! What must have happened in their lives to reach such a low level where death seems to be the only relief?

it's funny to me how 22 paracetamol tablets, 11mg dosage, is all it takes to get support, maybe i should try that before my 200mg sn.

200mg SN ?! Have you seriously read the protocols? I'm sorry you're so desperate but honestly, if suicide is your plan you should plan your attempt well and it must be the first and last attempt. There's nothing more agonizing than a failure.

I'm sorry your're so desperate.

 

[waistcoat]

I'm sorry you have to go through this and you feel so desperate. I ask myself what drives a 12 year old to think about dying?! What must have happened in their lives to reach such a low level where death seems to be the only relief?



200mg SN ?! Have you seriously read the protocols? I'm sorry you're so desperate but honestly, if suicide is your plan you should plan your attempt well and it must be the first and last attempt. There's nothing more agonizing than a failure.

I'm sorry your're so desperate.

we both had pretty fucked up lives, on the phone to each other since 11 convincing one another to keep living just one more day~

as for the 200mg sn~ i have read the protocols, i figure this way, even if i vomit, there will be enough in my system regardless. i've been training myself with table salt simulations for the past few months and intend to continue until my last day ~ gotta get it right first time ;)

and please, don't be sorry, there's nothing to be sorry about, i'm just a girl who's been through the works more than your average person, i'll be at peace soon, and that's comforting