Venting unlovable

[SanguineShark]

I really can't imagine being loved. I spend so much time imagining various fantastical scenarios involving fictional characters that I create, yet imagining a person being head over heels in love with me is impossible, it's uncomfortably fake to the point I feel embarrassed to even think it could be a possible scenario. I see my friends being in loving relationships, being close to their partners, having someone who actively WANTS to be something more than friends with them and I feel sad and jealous that I will never have that. I have no lovable traits, there's nothing someone could love in me, I'm a worthless, ugly, annoying burden who's severely mentally ill and very autistic. I was never anything more than that all my life. I was in 3 relationships and in all of them I wasn't loved. First one happened too fast and we were more like friends than girlfriends, and I only heard "I love you" once. Second one happened wayy too fast too, and the person stopped saying they love me or even give any bit of affection after she saw me irl, because she realized she never actually loved me and was just obsessed with me as a friend. And the last one I was emotionally abused, being yelled at because my best wasn't ever good enough, I was a literal copy of their previous victims (anxious people pleasers), so what did she actually love about me? It feels more like she loved how she consciously or not knew I would be a perfect victim for her emotional abuse, someone she can train like a dog.
At this point I'm convinced I'm just unlovable as a person, and the only love I could ever get would have to also have abuse included. Honestly if I got a new girlfriend and she would physically abuse me or even sexually assault me, I would not leave her, because I'd know that's the only type of love I deserve. I hate myself so much.

 

[pain6batch9]

You deserve someone who loves you. We all do. I guaranty you are lovable, it's more about finding the right person. People connect in different ways. I tend to ask the 'is it me' question as well. But, there are two people in a relationship and both are responsible for it's failure. Blaming yourself isn't the whole story. I hope you find someone that will love you for you. They do exist, I'm told.

 

[SanguineShark]

You deserve someone who loves you. We all do. I guaranty you are lovable, it's more about finding the right person. People connect in different ways. I tend to ask the 'is it me' question as well. But, there are two people in a relationship and both are responsible for it's failure. Blaming yourself isn't the whole story. I hope you find someone that will love you for you. They do exist, I'm told.

Thanks, I'm trying my best to have some hope still, I'm aware what friends told me they like about me, most of them mentioning how I'm very kind, caring and thoughtful, it's bc I try my best to always be there for others and help them any way I can. I don't know if that's enough to love me though. I hope one day imagining being loved will feel like a realistic scenario, and not like such a nauseating fake one. I wish you well with your own struggles.

 

[F@#$]

Love is a lie, nothing will hurt you more.