I was touch starved for years without realizing until I started getting regular hugs and stuff from friends. It strongly correlated safety and touch in my brain. To make a long story short, several months ago my friends called a wellness check on me without giving me any heads up or alternative when they knew my home isn't great and that I was terrified of that scenario for several reasons. Only one of them apologized and the entire thing shattered my concepts of trust and safety.
I thought a job that was tactile would be good because I am very tactile but I hadn't realized that touch had become so… I don't know the word. My brain registers everyone as unsafe which makes touch unsafe. I hadn't realized because the only people around are people I tried to avoid physical contact with before any of this happened because they were never safe. It was never a problem like this before unless someone had shown they were unsafe.
This is my first time in university (I worked for awhile and tried some other stuff- I'm 24 not directly out of high school) and it's the beginning of the course. They definitely just dropped us in the deep end right off the bat, but that wasn't necessarily a bad thing. I know there are some options for the course load aspect, but I don't know that they'll really help with the core problems. I am already using an agenda and keeping organized in regards to what's due when. I can also spread out the course over more years at least. I know I should talk to profs about that part of it, but I'm not sure how and doing so is going to be particularly hard given that it's an extra layer of stress when I'm already not coping. I know it's something I should do just. I don't know if it's something I realistically will do.
I try to do things with the mentality of "in case I don't die" so that things don't spiral to become worse and worse. Also so people around me don't realize how screwed I am.
hi,
you sound exhausted. dealing with the pressures of academia ontop of your own shit is draining.
i dealt with this three years ago. had awful grades in my first and second year of my honors prog, lost my job, was going to ctb but then got hospitalized and well, had to live. as a result, i had to face the music and address my academic struggles since i was placed on academic probation due to poor grades.
it takes a lot to muster up the energy to address these issues, and i understand where you come from wanting to put it to the side but understand that it's something you must do.
what i personally did was reduce my workload by spreading it out across semesters as you seem to have thought about. perhaps take a summer semester as well. not sure where you are, but in Canada, you can use something like disability to reduce your workload but you'd still continue to meet prog requirements. i would look at stuff like that and be smart about this.
worst case scenario, i'd drop it. i know it isn't your money, not sure if you have a refund timetable or anything at ur uni, but it isn't worth barely passing just for the credit.
just some thoughts. hope it can be helpful, best of luck in your undergraduate career.