Venting Unhelpful parents and suicidal thoughts

[Backwood_tilt]

I just needed to vent.

I've spent a month being seriously suicidal and choosing to be honest and upfront about it to my mother. I know it is a tough thing for any mother to hear, but for referenceI have PTSD from my upbringing including the emotional abuse and neglect of my mother. So her kind of care and love is quite toxic.

for one month she has had many chances per day to comfort me and make me feel just a little bit better. And she always fails miserably. I should know better than to keep expecting otherwise, but every day she keeps apologizing for some new offensive thing she said or did that hurts me and makes me withdraw. And every day I give her the chance to make me feel worthless again, even if she ends up expressing remorse for it when I point it out.

she's just emotionally handicapped. Old, and not good at empathizing. And it's making me feel so hollowed and drained, and reminding me how I'm broken emotionally as well as physically.

i should really stop talking to her, but I just wish she would understand how I feel and be able to comfort me a bit. She's my own mother - is that too much to ask for?

 

[C_F]

I relate to you on this greatly. In the end, it's my mother's neglect that has lead me to deciding I have to CTB. To ask your mother to be there for you and then not follow through is heart wrenching for me and it sounds like for you too. It feels like abandonment. It hurts a lot. There are so many reasons I will be CTB later this year. But had she been there for me, I might have been able to deal and pull through.

We are here for you. I however know it doesn't compare to what your mom's devotion, compassion and empathy could do :(

 

[Backwood_tilt]

It feels like abandonment. It hurts a lot.

You are right. it totally does. All over again. I am sorry you and i have to share in this misery.

We are here for you. I however know it doesn't compare to what your mom's devotion, compassion and empathy could do :(

Thank you. Yeah, i guess it doesn't, but it helps in a perverse way, to know there are others in this sick and cruel world of ours who endure something similar to what i endure.

 

[GoodPersonEffed]

It's not too much to ask for. Unfortunately, it is too much to hope for. I once heard that what you go through (and I have gone through for 47 years) is called "slot machining." Everyone once in awhile you might get a payout, but the odds are heavily against you, you'll keep spending your hope and energy, and getting the disappointment of no return.

Meanwhile, she gets to feed off whatever she gets from you that benefits her, draining you and never replenishing the source with what you rightfully need.

I'm so sorry it's this way. I have to remind myself to accept my parents as they are. This is sane and keeps me from going back to the slot machine.

I hope this perspective helps in some way. I do feel more empowered, grounded, and sane myself since learning it.

 

[Backwood_tilt]

I once heard that what you go through (and I have gone through for 47 years) is called "slot machining." Everyone once in awhile you might get a payout, but the odds are heavily against you, you'll keep spending your hope and energy, and getting the disappointment of no return.

Wow. You are making me think long and hard about this. I guess i knew i am still addicted to the gamble. Still hoping. 47 years is a long time to deal with that - i am so sorry for your pain.