Venting Unfounded reasons for wanting to die

[gentleflower]

Hello together,

I am new to this site, so I apologise beforehand if I am doing anything wrong with this post. I read the rules of course, but I am always feeling like I do something wrong, so better apologise beforehand.

I feel like I just want to cease existing. I don't know for certain that I truly want to die, because I keep on thinking of all the things I will never do, but I do know for certain that I have lost something.
A year ago, I still had big plans, big dreams and could picture myself 40 years down the road. Hopefully having found a significant other, kids, a house, surely a dog. Or the opposite being a successful career woman, living in one of those metropols around the world.
But I am 27 already and still have not finished my education fully. I am still working on my PhD and I feel like I am failing. Nothing works out anymore and this has been going on for the last three years. I had begun in the field hoping naively to be able to help develop something to better other peoples' lifes, but I know now just how incredibly dumb this believe was. I had been so hopeful to obtain a great job one day, but now I cannot stop thinking who would ever wish to hire an average at best researcher with no exceptional experience to show for anything, added together with the fact that I am incredibly shy and tend to overanalyze and panic at random moments. I feel like whoever would be dumb enough to hire me, would surely regret it. I don't feel like I can give up on the PhD either, because frankly it feels like it is all that I have left. I don't really have any friends, neither a hobby and I can't stand having contact with my family any longer. No matter when I contact them, all I hear are subtle accusations like "why are you feeling sad again at all, there is literally no reason", "you should have just studied something sensible, we have told you from the beginning", "you really need to do more sports", "you need to relax more", "how far along are you in your thesis? is it ready to hand in? ... at this pace you will never manage. Just sit down and write" they do not understand that I am mentally incapable to write at it right now. When I sit down and try, I freeze internally and then I think "why even bother" it will not yield to anything anyway.
I feel like I have accomplished nothing in my life yet and that I surely never will either. Whatever I touch seems to go down the gutter.
I have never had the best self esteem to begin with. Had had depressive phases before, added bulemia to the mix and am a notorious overthinker.
When I had bulemia, my family put me under 24/7 watch, claiming that there is nothing wrong with me and I would never need professional help. So, I feel like I do not have the right to seek that out now either. I have been recommended by a doctor to seek out therapy a few weeks ago and when I told my family about it their reaction was that there still cannot be anything wrong with me and that therapy would be a huge waste of money.
According to them there is nothing wrong with my life and I should be proud and smile all the time.
No one seems to want to understand just how hopeless and alone I am feeling. I am afraid of trying to tell my boss, who seems to be the most understand at the moment. I am afraid of admitting this weakness, I feel like I have given my mind too much power and now I am being drowned and swallowed by my own self-created misery.
I have tried reaching out to others. I have even googled suicide methods at work, letting the site open for others to see, letting hints drop, making suicidal jokes, but no one seems to want to notice.
I had had formed an internet friendship a few months ago with someone where for the first time in my life, I truly felt understood. I know that she was/is having serious problems herself, selfharming and thinking about suicide, having done several failed attempts. When she told me her intentions to do it again a few days ago, it all piled together to me breaking down again. If I had had the NaN3 already in my hands then, I would have surely just taken it. After she contacted me again and she felt how low I was myself, she broke off contact, claiming that it was to remove her own toxic self from my life.
I have never felt this utterly alone before. With her I had someone to speak openly, but now I have no one again. I don't know for certain if she suceeded to end her life or really just flat out abandoned me and both options are actually to painful to contemplate in depths.
I developed insomnia a few months ago and when I show up at work utterly tired and drained, my colleagues and my boss are even annoyed already. They seem to have gotten tired of me getting weaker as well.
I feel like I am dying inside in front of them and am even annoying them by it.
I feel so guilty for even feeling like this at all. I have browsed through some of the entries on this site and just how much rougher other people have it here and it only adds to the guilt. My mind is turning itself against me and I cannot seem to stop it any longer. I do not know what to do any more.
I have finalyzed a suicide plan a few days ago and I have felt so at peace in this moment. Much more peaceful than I ever felt in the last months.

I don't know if anyone can relate to anything what I have just written or even understand, because even I cannot understand myself any longer.
I don't know why I am posting this at all. Maybe to hear that I am not so alone after all...

 

[jake3d]

You are not alone. If your boss is very understanding you should talk to him.

Insomnia can terribly affect your judgement - i know, i got permanently damaged and heading towards my final exit because of stupid decisions made while sleep deprived. Do yourself a favor and get some sleep meds before you think about finalizing a suicide plan.

 

[memento_mori]

I had a breakdown during my postgraduate degree, I was really close to failing as well, was depressed and failed a suicide attempt. I had to stop and get therapy mid way but didn't find that helpful, managed to solder through after taking a nearly 1 year break. To be honest I dunno if it was worth it as my career isn't really as I pictured.
I have friend who failed his degree and spent days locked up in his room, he just dropped the course and didn't transfer his credits to another uni as I quote " dont want to go through that shit again", now he seems to be doing well, on the outside anyway.
Friend of a friend dropped out of med school with one year left as she had depression to the point she developed a tumor growing in her body.
I really understand what you are going through though hugs if you need anyone to talk to feel free to PM me.

 

[gentleflower]

I had a breakdown during my postgraduate degree, I was really close to failing as well, was depressed and failed a suicide attempt. I had to stop and get therapy mid way but didn't find that helpful, managed to solder through after taking a nearly 1 year break. To be honest I dunno if it was worth it as my career isn't really as I pictured.
I have friend who failed his degree and spent days locked up in his room, he just dropped the course and didn't transfer his credits to another uni as I quote " dont want to go through that shit again", now he seems to be doing well, on the outside anyway.
Friend of a friend dropped out of med school with one year left as she had depression to the point she developed a tumor growing in her body.
I really understand what you are going through though hugs if you need anyone to talk to feel free to PM me.

I broke down to tears in the lab now, unfortunately my boss is not there yet.
I spoke a little to a colleauge. But now I feel like an even deeplier failure, I admitted it at...
I am phsically reacting so strongly that I can't start my pratical work which would be so important right now.
I really don't know how I ever should bring this to completetion.

You are not alone. If your boss is very understanding you should talk to him.

Insomnia can terribly affect your judgement - i know, i got permanently damaged and heading towards my final exit because of stupid decisions made while sleep deprived. Do yourself a favor and get some sleep meds before you think about finalizing a suicide plan.

I was at a doctor already, but apparently my insomnia is not bad enough yet to warrant strong sleep meds. I only got something which is supposed to let me relax. But it leaves me with a terrible headache in the morning, so I stopped taking it.

 

[jake3d]

I was at a doctor already, but apparently my insomnia is not bad enough yet to warrant strong sleep meds. I only got something which is supposed to let me relax. But it leaves me with a terrible headache in the morning, so I stopped taking it.

Get valerian root pills online or from any herbal health store. Take two 300mg pills with a beer or a shot of hard alcohol. Drink a cup of water. Lay in bed. You'll be snoozing in 15 minutes. Trust me.

 

[memento_mori]

I broke down to tears in the lab now, unfortunately my boss is not there yet.
I spoke a little to a colleauge. But now I feel like an even deeplier failure, I admitted it at...
I am phsically reacting so strongly that I can't start my pratical work which would be so important right now.
I really don't know how I ever should bring this to completetion.

I broke down several times as well once to the point I was hyperventilating and was sent to the ER. It sucks when all your peers / colleagues look at you with pity in their eyes when you are going through all that, like they can't comprehend how you can be a failure like that

 

[gentleflower]

Yeah, I sort of had the same reaction.
One girl stayed with me for a few minutes. I fucking admitted that I think that ending my life would be a valid possiblity and she walked away ...
The second saw me cry and left the room without even asking what was wrong.

Get valerian root pills online or from any herbal health store. Take two 300mg pills with a beer or a shot of hard alcohol. Drink a cup of water. Lay in bed. You'll be snoozing in 15 minutes. Trust me.

Do you happen to know by any chance if they are legal in Germany?
I don't know why I care exactly so much if it's legal or not, but I think jail would just be all I do not need.

 

[memento_mori]

they don't understand
people have different thresholds and breaking points.
would it be possible for you to take a break from your degree, so you can reevaluate your situation and maybe decide whether to go back into things when you are in a better mental state?

 

[gentleflower]

I don't know honestly.
And the biggest problem is that for me it feels like the PhD is all I have. So, if I give that up there is literally no reason to continue existing at all.

 

[jake3d]

Do you happen to know by any chance if they are legal in Germany?
I don't know why I care exactly so much if it's legal or not, but I think jail would just be all I do not need.

LOL. It should be available in any health store, some pharmacies should carry it as well, and it should be OTC, no prescription needed. It's a very common herbal sleep aid, i don't see any reason why it would be scheduled. Go to your local pharmacy or nature health store and just ask for it. It looks like it's called Baldrian in Deutsch.

 

[gentleflower]

I did try Baldrian already, but of course not mixed with alcohol. Maybe I will just give that a shot

 

[jake3d]

Take at least 2 or 3 caps and wash em down with some booze, it'll work. If you are not an alcoholic and have not been prescribed a benzodiazepine before it is guaranteed to work, as its method of action is somewhat like a weak benzo. It's almost impossible to overdose on it, worst that will happen is you'll be a little foggy in the morning. You're already foggy due to the lack of sleep, it should feel better than that.

I once ate them all day, like one every 2-3 hours, the day was a bit blurry and i had a small blackout before going to sleep. The next day I was ok. Needless to say I slept like an angel.... i sure wonder why i didn't stick to this regime whenever i felt stressed out, i wouldn't have gotten in this bad place that i am now if i did :/

 

[gentleflower]

Taking one every 2 to 3 hours does not really sound healthy.
But I am going to give that a try to mix it with alcohol. Thanks for the adivce.
I am not on any meds or alcoholic so far. I have never really touched alcohol until a few weeks ago, but I started drinking regularly at the moment.

I had a breakdown during my postgraduate degree, I was really close to failing as well, was depressed and failed a suicide attempt. I had to stop and get therapy mid way but didn't find that helpful, managed to solder through after taking a nearly 1 year break. To be honest I dunno if it was worth it as my career isn't really as I pictured.
I have friend who failed his degree and spent days locked up in his room, he just dropped the course and didn't transfer his credits to another uni as I quote " dont want to go through that shit again", now he seems to be doing well, on the outside anyway.
Friend of a friend dropped out of med school with one year left as she had depression to the point she developed a tumor growing in her body.
I really understand what you are going through though hugs if you need anyone to talk to feel free to PM me.

I think my account does not allow yet to actually write a PM or I cannot find the option

 

[jake3d]

Taking one every 2 to 3 hours does not really sound healthy.

I did it for fun. Once. And it was reasonably fun.

Not saying anyone should do the same, you should use it for its intended purpose. Do try what i told you, take 2-3 caps with an alcoholic drink and then a cup of water and you'll be sleeping soundly in no time.

Pro tip: any medication that says it should not be combined with alcohol, they tell you so because it'll knock you out if you do. So do combine with alcohol.

Unfortunately i was terrible at taking my own advice.

 

[Longman]

@gentleflower you can try melatonin before sleep. It is not a traditional sleeping pill (in fact it is human hormone), but it improves your sleep quality. In my country it is OTC and sold cheaply as a dietary supplement in sport food shops.

 

[gentleflower]

@gentleflower you can try melatonin before sleep. It is not a traditional sleeping pill (in fact it is human hormone), but it improves your sleep quality. In my country it is OTC and sold cheaply as a dietary supplement in sport food shops.

I will look into that, thanks

I did it for fun. Once. And it was reasonably fun.

Not saying anyone should do the same, you should use it for its intended purpose. Do try what i told you, take 2-3 caps with an alcoholic drink and then a cup of water and you'll be sleeping soundly in no time.

Pro tip: any medication that says it should not be combined with alcohol, they tell you so because it'll knock you out if you do. So do combine with alcohol.

Unfortunately i was terrible at taking my own advice.

I am usually the worse at taking my own advice, too, just as I measure myself with totally different standards than others xD

 

[memento_mori]

I agree with melatonin, haven't tried that or the other one though but you can try to give those a go.
As for the degree thing, I was in the same situation, but then after that hurdle it was like what next. And life keeps throwing punches at you, I thought I was getting better then I ended up in a worst place then before. Hope you have better luck than me.

 

[jake3d]

Or you can try both melatonin and valerian at the same time, there are no bad interactions. For me, melatonin alone didn't work if there were external stimuli keeping me awake (such as being uncomfortable or someone shouting in the next room). Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't. When it doesn't, it leaves you drowsy and with a headache the next day.