Unforgivable

[Boots2Scoots]

Unforgivable is what I am. Another fucked up blip in the timeline of the universe. Another once good mind that strayed way too far from normalcy. Deranged, depraved, sick. Those are the three words I'd use to describe myself.

In most ways, I am a good person and I acknowledge that. I love to help all living creatures. My real joy comes from making others smile, even if it costs me some anguish. I wish I had thrived on that more and leaned into my dark side less.

Deranged, depraved, sick. That's what I am or at least was at the end of the day. Crossed some terrible lines that nobody should cross. Lumped myself in with a group that should be tortured and exterminated. So why should I allow myself anything different? Why should I go against my own morals again... that's what landed me here in the first place? There's no reason to keep pushing on.

I find an excuse every single day to make it bedtime, pass out, and try it all again. Hoping that the new day will somehow be better. But the memories are still there. The knowledge of what's to come in my future is still there. Forced to wear a hideously fake mask until I'm exposed to the world. They say good people make bad decisions sometimes.... but not like this.

I'm tired. I'm exhausted. And soon I'll be alone. Soon, everybody I know will hate me and cast me aside. Soon, everything I've worked so fucking hard for, the future I had built, will be gone and unattainable. I'm just another corrupted blip in the timeline of the universe... be good to others and to yourself. Put your best foot forward always and never EVER second guess yourself in the ways that I did. If you think you're making the wrong choice, you probably are big dawg. I love you all, and I hope with everything inside of me that today is my last.

 

[Dingo67]

I don't think anyone is unforgivable. You seem like a really kind hearted person based on what you wrote. If you're feeling so gulity that means you care a lot about how you affect others, which I think is repersentative of a kind person. Wanting to die doesn't make you a bad person. It's not like you had any say in if you want to live or not in the first place

 

[pyranha]

i've seen your posts a few times since i used to lurk on this site for a while. i hope this doesn't sound rude or out of line- i'm saying it because i see you have a lot of guilt about something, but you love many people and things in your life. it's your choice to ctb- i can't force you to do this or that, but if guilt is the primary motivator here, then i want to make something clear. most things are forgivable. i'm using context clues because you mentioned addiction before, so i will list it out

if you lied to family in order to get drug/alcohol money: that is forgivable. it'll be hard to earn back their trust, but it can be done

if you lied to your gf in order to get drug/alcohol money: see above example

if you emotionally hurt however many people in order to get access to the addiction of choice: this is forgivable

on the more extreme end

if negligence on your part caused someone to die of an overdose of some kind, that can be forgiven. i'm not saying it's easy or that everyone will agree, but it's something that actually happens fairly often. it's difficult to hold serious, detailed attention to another addict when you yourself are on so many things- thus, deaths can happen, but it doesn't make you a killer

overall, i don't know what happened to cause you such immense guilt. but i will say this: short of sexual assault, pedophilia, or purposefully killing a marginalized/weakened individual just because, whatever you did can be forgiven and happens fairly often. like i said, it's your life, so if you want to die, i can't physically stop you- but it would feel wrong to let you go to your death without telling you this. there are very few things in this world that can turn you into a monster that 'deserves' to die. as of right now, i genuinely don't think you are one of those people

 

[Boots2Scoots]

i've seen your posts a few times since i used to lurk on this site for a while. i hope this doesn't sound rude or out of line- i'm saying it because i see you have a lot of guilt about something, but you love many people and things in your life. it's your choice to ctb- i can't force you to do this or that, but if guilt is the primary motivator here, then i want to make something clear. most things are forgivable. i'm using context clues because you mentioned addiction before, so i will list it out

if you lied to family in order to get drug/alcohol money: that is forgivable. it'll be hard to earn back their trust, but it can be done

if you lied to your gf in order to get drug/alcohol money: see above example

if you emotionally hurt however many people in order to get access to the addiction of choice: this is forgivable

on the more extreme end

if negligence on your part caused someone to die of an overdose of some kind, that can be forgiven. i'm not saying it's easy or that everyone will agree, but it's something that actually happens fairly often. it's difficult to hold serious, detailed attention to another addict when you yourself are on so many things- thus, deaths can happen, but it doesn't make you a killer

overall, i don't know what happened to cause you such immense guilt. but i will say this: short of sexual assault, pedophilia, or purposefully killing a marginalized/weakened individual just because, whatever you did can be forgiven and happens fairly often. like i said, it's your life, so if you want to die, i can't physically stop you- but it would feel wrong to let you go to your death without telling you this. there are very few things in this world that can turn you into a monster that 'deserves' to die. as of right now, i genuinely don't think you are one of those people

I wish it had been stuff that was forgivable. But it's not. Nobody was hurt by any stretch of the imagination. But it falls into my own category of unforgivable. I need to pay it forward and exterminate myself because of what I was capable of for a period of time. Had I spoke it aloud once, just once, I would've came to my senses and realized that's not at all who I am. But I didn't until it was far too late. Too late to correct it because anyday I'll have everything taken from me if I don't take it away myself. I don't make these posts for sympathy or anything of the sort so please spare your kind words. These are just the ramblings of a broken, defeated person.

 

[pyranha]

you've asked me to keep it to myself, so i'll give you the space you need, but before i go i do want you to know that i, along with many people in the world, value change over 'punishment'. if you die, that's it- it's over. what are the people who you thought evil things about going to do? are they meant to cheer and feel glad that your essence is gone? they likely wouldn't, because your death wouldn't fix whatever evil you once believed in. if you stayed alive instead and admitted fault, apologized to whoever it is you feel the need to apologize to, and made active changes to better the world from the evil you once believed in- that would be formidable. that would truly change things and build a better world, a world where others like yourself realize that they too can be better.

again, it's your choice, and i'll leave you be- i'm not trying to cause you stress. but your death, as upsetting and horrific as it would be to those who love you, can't fix the beliefs you once held. admitting fault where you do have fault and doing what you can to better the world would be the 'fix'- i'm not saying it's easy, nor am i trying to say "well suicides the easy way out" because it's not and i think statements like that are cruel. but if what you're truly after is to pay it forward? the only way to do that is if you are alive, facing up to what happened and doing whatever you can to better the world

 

[Boots2Scoots]

you've asked me to keep it to myself, so i'll give you the space you need, but before i go i do want you to know that i, along with many people in the world, value change over 'punishment'. if you die, that's it- it's over. what are the people who you thought evil things about going to do? are they meant to cheer and feel glad that your essence is gone? they likely wouldn't, because your death wouldn't fix whatever evil you once believed in. if you stayed alive instead and admitted fault, apologized to whoever it is you feel the need to apologize to, and made active changes to better the world from the evil you once believed in- that would be formidable. that would truly change things and build a better world, a world where others like yourself realize that they too can be better.

again, it's your choice, and i'll leave you be- i'm not trying to cause you stress. but your death, as upsetting and horrific as it would be to those who love you, can't fix the beliefs you once held. admitting fault where you do have fault and doing what you can to better the world would be the 'fix'- i'm not saying it's easy, nor am i trying to say "well suicides the easy way out" because it's not and i think statements like that are cruel. but if what you're truly after is to pay it forward? the only way to do that is if you are alive, facing up to what happened and doing whatever you can to better the world

Thank you for those words stranger :) you're not causing me any stress or anything of the sort. I truly do appreciate your bits of wisdom. I don't really expect my death to make anyone feel better. On the contrary, it'll make the people I hold dear feel terrible and my heart breaks for them. I just can't go on knowing that I was so easily influenced into such terrible things. It's not something I'd like to explain any further details on but I know what I would do to somebody else if they had conversations like those. No matter the reason. And since nobody will do it for me, I have to do it myself. I just refuse to let it go.

I know who I actually am, and the person that came out at that time was nothing more than the result of a warped mind. It's not even close to reality. But, I digress, this weight is too heavy a burden to carry unless I want to spend every single day in self loathing and hatred. It sucks chodes but it is what it is. And it be like it do. I hope whatever burdens brought you here heal overtime. I truly hope you can find the support you need to live a healthy, long life. This forum has given me the only chance I'll ever have to *almost* vent about all of it. But with every post, I just get worse. If today isn't my last day, I'll ensure that tomorrow is. No matter what.

 

[pyranha]

if you ever have a change of heart and want to discuss further, please know my messages are open. a lot more people than you can possibly imagine become indoctrinated every single day. if we killed them all, or forced them to kill themselves, the world would lose millions of people- plural. you are not a lost cause