Unexpected disgust reaction to suicide

[b_adr]

Yesterday I visited one site that made me really sick. It was posted here, so maybe many of you know it. It was watchpeopledie.tv. I stayed there for less than 10 minutes, but it was enough for me. I cannot get the videos I saw out of my mind. Those videos made me so disgusted, that I simply cannot think about my CTB plan anymore. It was actually such a good day today - to not think about it (as it feels revolting now). Not sure how long this feeling will last, but now at least now I know what works for me as a kind of anti-dote to sudden impulses to CTB.
Isn't it insane how well disgust can work for humans? As wikipedia states, "disgust is believed to have evolved as a component of a behavioral immune system in which the body attempts to avoid disease-carrying pathogens in preference to fighting them after they have entered the body. (...) Pathogen disgust arises from a desire to survive and, ultimately, a fear of death. (...) It is the 'first line of defense' against potentially deadly agents such as dead bodies, rotting food, and vomit." I find it super interesting.

 

[_AllCatsAreGrey_]

Thanks for sharing your experience. I go there sometimes. I feel it's important for me to face the results that others would have to face if I carried through with my plans. I experience various feelings when on the site. I feel that processing them has been important to honestly confront how I feel about the reality of ctb.

How are you feeling about that shift of attitude about ctb? Is it a step in recovery for you?

 

[b_adr]

Thanks for sharing your experience. I go there sometimes. I feel it's important for me to face the results that others would have to face if I carried through with my plans. I experience various feelings when on the site. I feel that processing them has been important to honestly confront how I feel about the reality of ctb.

How are you feeling about that shift of attitude about ctb? Is it a step in recovery for you?

I am not sure it is a true step in recovery, but it definitely makes me just not want to think about it (and thus, not do anything about it as well). And it comes as a huge relief - just to feel like I can put away all these thoughts, because, at least for now, they repulse me. Not sure how I will feel later, of course. Ironic that I finally managed to gather everything needed for CTB with SN. Now all of this will just sit in my apartment. It will be weird for sure.

And what about you, how do you feel when watching those videos? How are you processing them? For me, the reality of the aftermath just hits so hard, and, again, I have no other words this feeling than disgust.

 

[KillingPain267]

Unfortunately, watching it was only a short term disgust and attitude change towards recovery for me. I am almost completely desensitized to it, except for the most brutal ctbs I've seen there. It has also helped me be less impulsive and narrowed down the methods I want to choose from. It has in no wise completely taken away my desire to end it.

Ironic that I finally managed to gather everything needed for CTB with SN. Now all of this will just sit in my apartment. It will be weird for sure.

Have you seen a video of SN ctb on one of those sites? I've seen only one (not on the sites but a link) and it was without audio, and I think the ending was cut off.

 

[b_adr]

Unfortunately, watching it was only a short term disgust and attitude change towards recovery for me. I am almost completely desensitized to it, except for the most brutal ctbs I've seen there. It has also helped me be less impulsive and narrowed down the methods I want to choose from. It has in no wise completely taken away my desire to end it.

Have you seen a video of SN ctb on one of those sites? I've seen only once (not on the sites but a link) and it was without audio, and not fully until the end.

No, I did not find any SN-specific video in that site, but there were some poison ingestions (horrible). But yes, I also have seen a recorded SN video (only one), also without a sound, so could have been the same one.

And I totally get what you are saying about becoming desensitized. I totally can see how seeing those videos for a long time could do that. But 10 minutes was all I could manage. More would be a torture for me. And I would not want to get desensitized, because I see how this site could become a method for me to stop myself from impulsive decisions (especially since I have everything for CTB at hand already). And, if you are desensitized, I would think it would not work anymore. Also, there is a really nice feeling of relief that comes when your brain stops thinking about CTB all the time.

 

[KillingPain267]

No, I did not find any SN-specific video in that site, but there were some poison ingestions (horrible). But yes, I also have seen a recorded SN video (only one), also without a sound, so could have been the same one.

And I totally get what you are saying about becoming desensitized. I totally can see how seeing those videos for a long time could do that. But 10 minutes was all I could manage. More would be a torture for me. And I would not want to get desensitized, because I see how this site could become a method for me to stop myself from impulsive decisions (especially since I have everything for CTB at hand already). And, if you are desensitized, I would think it would not work anymore. Also, there is a really nice feeling of relief that comes when your brain stops thinking about CTB all the time.

I totally relate. At least for a moment after watching a video of someone suffering slowly, I can appreciate life (if only for an hour). That's actually part of why I started watching such videos last year when I seriously became suicidal. And also to get a disgust and fear of failed attempts with permanent injuries. So in that way those videos have helped. I was thinking of train or jumping, but those videos have helped me rule those methods out, even if the victims "successfully" died. It's just too brutal. Even seeing pics of inert gas suicides made me disgusted, although I am now slowly starting to consider such a method and simply accept some discomfort in the thought of doing it and ending up looking like the subjects in those videos.

 

[_AllCatsAreGrey_]

It makes sense to me that having your materials ready could intensify that feeling. It's more real and close. Like you said, that may change. If your aim is recovery, I could see how the intensity of this feeling may be helpful. Whatever you do, I wish you the best.

When I first visited wpd I had a strong reaction. I went there because I felt that I should face ctb directly if I spend so much time here and plan on it in due course. It was also really intense for me, at first. It was a combo of feeling that I was doing something wrong and feeling overwhelmed by what I was seeing. I remember feeling cold. I also felt that disgust feeling.

I feel my concern about visiting wpd as wrong was more a concern about what others think. Separating myself and defining my morals around it for myself is something I feel to be helpful.

I still experience the disgust and shock in watching stuff there. This seems completely natural. This is managed a little by an analytical lens. I watch the videos as a part of method research. I try to view them as case studies to learn from. (I just watch ctb there.)

Confronting the disgust for me is an extension of issues I have around body stuff in general. When I was younger I would get grossed out by being conscious of my own heart beating. It's inside for a reason! I don't need to know about that lol! In all seriousness, being embodied is uncomfortable for me. For years now I've been working on confronting the body horror of that. Going on wpd is a way for me to face the reality of the body.

 

[groucho]

Yesterday I visited one site that made me really sick. It was posted here, so maybe many of you know it. It was watchpeopledie.tv. I stayed there for less than 10 minutes, but it was enough for me. I cannot get the videos I saw out of my mind. Those videos made me so disgusted, that I simply cannot think about my CTB plan anymore. It was actually such a good day today - to not think about it (as it feels revolting now). Not sure how long this feeling will last, but now at least now I know what works for me as a kind of anti-dote to sudden impulses to CTB.
Isn't it insane how well disgust can work for humans? As wikipedia states, "disgust is believed to have evolved as a component of a behavioral immune system in which the body attempts to avoid disease-carrying pathogens in preference to fighting them after they have entered the body. (...) Pathogen disgust arises from a desire to survive and, ultimately, a fear of death. (...) It is the 'first line of defense' against potentially deadly agents such as dead bodies, rotting food, and vomit." I find it super interesting.

I've seen a few suicide videos and they hit in a totally different way to fictional violence. I've watch any number of gory movies but not upsets me like seeing a real suicide. The brain just knows the difference.

 

[b_adr]

I totally relate. At least for a moment after watching a video of someone suffering slowly, I can appreciate life (if only for an hour). That's actually part of why I started watching such videos last year when I seriously became suicidal. And also to get a disgust and fear of failed attempts with permanent injuries. So in that way those videos have helped. I was thinking of train or jumping, but those videos have helped me rule those methods out, even if the victims "successfully" died. It's just too brutal. Even seeing pics of inert gas suicides made me disgusted, although I am now slowly starting to consider such a method and simply accept some discomfort in the thought of doing it and ending up looking like the subjects in those videos.

Yeah, while the videos do nothing to make you feel better about your situation in life, but they kind of force you to see the dreadfulness of CTB as the chosen solution for your situation. For example, today again I had rumination over suicidal thoughts, but then I came here, saw notifications on this thread, read it through and remembered the video scenes I saw and the feelings I felt (even though now they are more obscure). And now I literally feel a physical feeling of relaxation, as my brain is telling me - you cannot do it, it is disgusting.

It makes sense to me that having your materials ready could intensify that feeling. It's more real and close. Like you said, that may change. If your aim is recovery, I could see how the intensity of this feeling may be helpful. Whatever you do, I wish you the best.

When I first visited wpd I had a strong reaction. I went there because I felt that I should face ctb directly if I spend so much time here and plan on it in due course. It was also really intense for me, at first. It was a combo of feeling that I was doing something wrong and feeling overwhelmed by what I was seeing. I remember feeling cold. I also felt that disgust feeling.

I feel my concern about visiting wpd as wrong was more a concern about what others think. Separating myself and defining my morals around it for myself is something I feel to be helpful.

I still experience the disgust and shock in watching stuff there. This seems completely natural. This is managed a little by an analytical lens. I watch the videos as a part of method research. I try to view them as case studies to learn from. (I just watch ctb there.)

Confronting the disgust for me is an extension of issues I have around body stuff in general. When I was younger I would get grossed out by being conscious of my own heart beating. It's inside for a reason! I don't need to know about that lol! In all seriousness, being embodied is uncomfortable for me. For years now I've been working on confronting the body horror of that. Going on wpd is a way for me to face the reality of the body.

What you said here, really resonated with me: "I feel my concern about visiting wpd as wrong was more a concern about what others think." I feel really uncomfortable with not only the idea of causing emotional suffering to my family, but also with the idea that they will have to witness my physical death scene, my dead body etc. Which horrifies me.

I've seen a few suicide videos and they hit in a totally different way to fictional violence. I've watch any number of gory movies but not upsets me like seeing a real suicide. The brain just knows the difference.

100% true.