Venting Undiagnosed and ignored

[Red]

Nowhere else to vent! I'll let this echo out across the internet and hope it makes me feel better...

I'll not paint a lengthy tale of woe (no David Copperfield, promise), only that I've always felt how most of you have felt - not meant for this world. Born out of time, in the wrong dimension or something. Always on the outside looking in, never really sure why.

I think I was just starting to get used to it - you learn how to keep pushing on and try not to despair at human nature by just staying busy - n still reckon I could've managed were it not for some weird, undiagnosed illness that has taken over my life.

Being in constant pain eats away at my soul. Not able to socialise or be independent makes me a burden on those around me. They ask me how I am and switch off a couple of words in - they don't care, so now I just say, "Fine" or "Alive" when I can't let that first lie pass my lips.

They don't understand just how agonising it gets - sometimes it gets me in the day, but I tend to lock myself away - at night, when it hits hardest, everyone else is asleep. As I type I'm on ice and a painkiller cocktail taken out of desperation to take the edge of at least. I've set myself up a sick bed in the spare room so my discomfort doesn't wake my bf during the week... not a great relationship set up. Not conducive to longevity, I fear, and I feel him slipping away from me, although he is trying I feel that he'll either move on to better pastures or play the all suffering martyr.

My family are notoriously and hyper dramatically self involved. There's no use in standing in the middle of a room full of narcissists and shouting, "What about me?!"

I am not allowed to speak of suicide, but it's on my mind every day.

They say it's selfish, but what is more self serving; killing yourself to end your constant physical and emotional pain and alleviating the strain on those around you (rip the plaster of quick sorta thinking), or expecting someone to live a lifetime of pain for the few moments that you might want to have them around?

It's a no brainer. I would never expect it of anyone else either.

I could do it if it didn't hurt so much. N if it stops hurting before I've had enough of browsing the timetables and decide to just get on, I swear I'll come back at life full force and despair at human nature be damned, I can at least live my life, go climb some mountains n go underground trampolining in that cave in wales!

I can see a future, but not like this.

I just want the pain to stop.

 

[dyingtodie]

Thank you so much for venting. I'm sorry you're in so much pain. You're a really good writer, I wonder if this is something you practice?

This isn't necessarily a reply to your post...I was just feeling low and lonely as all hell and came to this most beloved website and felt compelled to type some lonely words.

I feel personally that I was meant to be here at this time but am ultimately resentful of my mission here and really want to move on. Perhaps the opportunity of a peaceful and beautiful life was actually possible when I was born, but 31 years later it seems like such a pipe dream, and I can't imagine a hail mary that will transform this world into one in which I would want to live in, let alone be able to live in. Being a 'highly sensitive person', and feeling sensory stimuli, emotions etc so intensely ... it makes listening to the constant drone of distant engines around me a living nightmare. And yet I'm in a relative paradise, a tiny patch of woods with lots of insects and songbirds, but being in eden just makes the apparent hell all around me that much more pronounced and in my face. My constant pain has more to do with chronic depression...though I got some weird body virus perhaps from eating too old bananas yesterday that has got me thinking of exiting intensely for the last 24 hours... but... the possibility of turning this giant earth ship around still theoretically exists and so it's really difficult to end this incarnation. I sometimes wonder if I'm wasting time and energy that I could much more wisely spend in the higher aspects of my multi-dimensional self which would benefit this planet and the universe more than being trapped in hell in a chronically fatigued depressives body here, now. But since all time is co-tangent, and I feel I can only rise up from the hell of this life, that concern is probably unfounded.

Also the thought of one more adventure vacation through the mountains makes me wanna hold on...but it can be so devastating to even drive down the street when the planet is so obviously and horrifically dying...due to human 'busyness' and consumption. Being busy certainly helped me to ignore things for a while til the weight of the truth sunk in.

Yeah, people are pretty selfish. It's such a shame that we have to suffer in silence because suicide is seen as selfish by those who can not acknowledge the suffering of another and take compassionate actions to help them.

 

[lululoo]

So sorry you bear this burden too.

I have a diagnosis but it is useless and doesn't cover the full extent of what is happening to me. This life of pain and fatigue is no life. And family doesn't understand. I wish I had a partner to lean on though I understand there are issues with that too.

You shouldn't have to suffer to spare them pain.

 

[Red]

Thank you so much for venting. I'm sorry you're in so much pain. You're a really good writer, I wonder if this is something you practice?

This isn't necessarily a reply to your post...I was just feeling low and lonely as all hell and came to this most beloved website and felt compelled to type some lonely words.

I feel personally that I was meant to be here at this time but am ultimately resentful of my mission here and really want to move on. Perhaps the opportunity of a peaceful and beautiful life was actually possible when I was born, but 31 years later it seems like such a pipe dream, and I can't imagine a hail mary that will transform this world into one in which I would want to live in, let alone be able to live in. Being a 'highly sensitive person', and feeling sensory stimuli, emotions etc so intensely ... it makes listening to the constant drone of distant engines around me a living nightmare. And yet I'm in a relative paradise, a tiny patch of woods with lots of insects and songbirds, but being in eden just makes the apparent hell all around me that much more pronounced and in my face. My constant pain has more to do with chronic depression...though I got some weird body virus perhaps from eating too old bananas yesterday that has got me thinking of exiting intensely for the last 24 hours... but... the possibility of turning this giant earth ship around still theoretically exists and so it's really difficult to end this incarnation. I sometimes wonder if I'm wasting time and energy that I could much more wisely spend in the higher aspects of my multi-dimensional self which would benefit this planet and the universe more than being trapped in hell in a chronically fatigued depressives body here, now. But since all time is co-tangent, and I feel I can only rise up from the hell of this life, that concern is probably unfounded.

Also the thought of one more adventure vacation through the mountains makes me wanna hold on...but it can be so devastating to even drive down the street when the planet is so obviously and horrifically dying...due to human 'busyness' and consumption. Being busy certainly helped me to ignore things for a while til the weight of the truth sunk in.

Yeah, people are pretty selfish. It's such a shame that we have to suffer in silence because suicide is seen as selfish by those who can not acknowledge the suffering of another and take compassionate actions to help them.

Bless you I didn't expect any replies and most certainly didn't expect a compliment- thank you. I don't write but have been told I should, maybe that's something to focus on.

Please don't absorb the negative the way you seem to. Being an empath is tiresome and lonely, although it shouldn't be; lots of things are wrong with the world but you gotta find what's right or go nuts! For all the bad in the world there are those fiercely shining moments to savour and it's for those that we carry on. N if we can't find them, we should make them.

I feel your despair - are there not people around you to distract from the world crumbling around us? Is there anything that still brings you joy?

So sorry you bear this burden too.

I have a diagnosis but it is useless and doesn't cover the full extent of what is happening to me. This life of pain and fatigue is no life. And family doesn't understand. I wish I had a partner to lean on though I understand there are issues with that too.

You shouldn't have to suffer to spare them pain.

Thank you for your reply. I am thankful for the things I do have and try to remind myself of them when it hits hard.

May I ask what your current diagnosis is? How is your body fighting you? You don't have to say if you don't want but m happy to hear if you need to vent too.

I am also not diagnosed with anything except anxiety and depression, they make it really difficult with lots of hoops to jump through to get any form of diagnosis, same goes for claiming benefits if mental health stands in the way of being fit for work. My long term suffering is always treat like it's a short term thing, and just 'get over it, grow up'. I have heard of many people that have been diagnosed with aspergers at age 60 or something, what good is it then?

If you are in England I think it's very common to be mis-diagnosed or refused a diagnosis at all. For me I think soon I have to try again, because I am unable to find work and left with no other choice anyway. If you need a diagnosis to be able to just cope in life then I suggest you don't give up and keep pushing for it.

Tbh I've stopped hoping for a definitive answer and am mainly just looking to manage the pain, that having stepped in front of nearly every priority. It's kinda put everything else in perspective, having such a primal need, just wanting an end to the pain will make life shiny again once it stops casting its dark shadow over my life. This is what I tell myself lol

Pain, in any form, is the body's way of telling you that something is wrong. Diagnosed or not, it needs to be managed effectively to survive. Really the hope of having a real diagnosis, something proper to tell people to stop them looking sideways at me when they think I'm not looking, has gone out of the window n I simply do not care anymore what people think, I just need the pain to do one for a bit lol

I fear that most health issues are labelled wrongly anyway, especially in the mental health world - you always either feel like a bother or a case study when talking to doctors. You beg for help, cringing at your own naked candour, and they just belittle your woes and tell you to get over it. If you're not immediately dying right there and then, it's not worth their time. Like they've all got a weird hero complex... They don't even realise what heroes they could be by just listening and believing for just 5 minutes, giving someone some quality of life instead of none.

Labels for these things are starting to mean nothing to me; depression is but a grey cloud that takes on whatever form the beholder sees. Anxiety is just a state of being, they say, it's common etc etc but both those labels are used so frequently that they've lost all meaning - people say depressed when they mean a bit sad, the same as saying starving when you last ate four hours ago lol... Those that truly experience it are left with nothing but words that only seem synonymous with everyday wingeing and their actual gravitas is gone.

Real depression, real anxiety, is really awful. I feel your pain, or did once... That dark cloud overshadows your every move, not just popping its head up when you're lonely but butting in on every situation you face. It feels heavy in your head and your chest and it doesn't go away. It pulls at your body as well as your mind and it consumes. Anxiety to me feels fluttery, butterflies constantly in the belly and chest. It somehow amplifies the weight of the depression and constantly fizzes at the edge of your brain - I'm really sorry if this is what you face each day

 

[lululoo]

My diagnosis is fibromyalgia. But that's kinda meaningless as it just based on self report and there are no tests. And once they label you with that, they ignore all other symptoms you develop. They say it's part of fibro. My symptoms have progressed. I have a million things wrong. Besides the pain and fatigue and sick/hungover feeling, I have a sore throat and chest pain and eye pain and constant headache. And more.

 

[silentsinger]

My diagnosis is fibromyalgia. But that's kinda meaningless as it just based on self report and there are no tests. And once they label you with that, they ignore all other symptoms you develop. They say it's part of fibro. My symptoms have progressed. I have a million things wrong. Besides the pain and fatigue and sick/hungover feeling, I have a sore throat and chest pain and eye pain and constant headache. And more.

This breaks my heart.

 

[lululoo]

This breaks my heart.

Thanks for caring. I know you are dealing with stuff too-- if you ever want to vent, please do!

 

[Red]

Fibro is such a throwaway diagnosis, they tried that one with me and I refused it, got another doctor on side luckily and didn't have to accept the diagnosis. I hate they way they get annoyed with you when they don't know wht's wrong with you, like you're deliberately doing it to wind them up...

So yesterday I went to my GP again after another sleepless night and he tells me that his hands are tied; they have a plan to move me onto pain patches but I have to wait for an appt with pain management - booked for September

Yeah that does loads of good for me now...