Venting Uncomfortable being happy

[Lil_Intro_Vert]

These past couple days I've been feeling pretty good. I finally got around to making a song, I practiced Japanese, and I've felt pretty positive and optimistic. But when I start thinking about how I'm happy it makes me really uncomfortable. I'm so not used to being happy it just feels so wrong and I don't understand it. It's really making me question who I am as a person, cause when I'm depressed I know who I am; depressed. Being happy throws that off and makes me insecure, I don't know what kind of person I am when I'm happy, I don't know how I'm supposed to act or be or exist, and it makes me so anxious, and then I beat myself up for feeling that way, and then I'm back to being depressed. There's also how when I'm happy I lose my coping mechanism of being apathetic about everything and I start getting scared cause I start actually caring about things like my grades and where I'll be in 5 years, and it's just so much easier to be depressed and not care, safe in the knowledge I can kill myself if nothing works out Why the fuck am I like this, I just want to be normal

 

[worldexploder]

Have you been diagnosed with Bi-Polar disorder? Like where you have extreme emotional highs followed by crippling depression?

 

[Lil_Intro_Vert]

Have you been diagnosed with Bi-Polar disorder? Like where you have extreme emotional highs followed by crippling depression?

I'm fairly certain it's not bipolar, I'm not full of manic energy, and being happy is a relatively new development lmao

 

[NumbItAll]

I am skeptical of any happiness because it falls apart so easily. I actively resist feelings of hope after countless disappointments and immeasurable pain.

 

[Iwant2sleepforever]

I always appreciate my 'happy days' but I always know that it's only temporary.

 

[azucaramargo]

These past couple days I've been feeling pretty good. I finally got around to making a song, I practiced Japanese, and I've felt pretty positive and optimistic. But when I start thinking about how I'm happy it makes me really uncomfortable. I'm so not used to being happy it just feels so wrong and I don't understand it. It's really making me question who I am as a person, cause when I'm depressed I know who I am; depressed. Being happy throws that off and makes me insecure, I don't know what kind of person I am when I'm happy, I don't know how I'm supposed to act or be or exist, and it makes me so anxious, and then I beat myself up for feeling that way, and then I'm back to being depressed. There's also how when I'm happy I lose my coping mechanism of being apathetic about everything and I start getting scared cause I start actually caring about things like my grades and where I'll be in 5 years, and it's just so much easier to be depressed and not care, safe in the knowledge I can kill myself if nothing works out Why the fuck am I like this, I just want to be normal

Well-put! My social worker said I felt more comfortable feeling bad. I can relate.

 

[ChickenAndPotatoes]

These past couple days I've been feeling pretty good. I finally got around to making a song, I practiced Japanese, and I've felt pretty positive and optimistic. But when I start thinking about how I'm happy it makes me really uncomfortable. I'm so not used to being happy it just feels so wrong and I don't understand it. It's really making me question who I am as a person, cause when I'm depressed I know who I am; depressed. Being happy throws that off and makes me insecure, I don't know what kind of person I am when I'm happy, I don't know how I'm supposed to act or be or exist, and it makes me so anxious, and then I beat myself up for feeling that way, and then I'm back to being depressed. There's also how when I'm happy I lose my coping mechanism of being apathetic about everything and I start getting scared cause I start actually caring about things like my grades and where I'll be in 5 years, and it's just so much easier to be depressed and not care, safe in the knowledge I can kill myself if nothing works out Why the fuck am I like this, I just want to be normal

Off topic-but you're profile picture looks like Shinji from Evangelion! Back on topic- a few years I could relate to what you feel. Even went so far as I wouldn't let myself smile or laugh. I was in a constant state of dread and anxiety.

 

[Lil_Intro_Vert]

Off topic-but you're profile picture looks like Shinji from Evangelion! Back on topic- a few years I could relate to what you feel. Even went so far as I wouldn't let myself smile or laugh. I was in a constant state of dread and anxiety.

It is Shinji! And hopefully you're out of that constantly anxious feeling now, I think I've been getting a bit better at letting myself feel happy, but I really got work on motivating myself to keep doing productive and good things instead of just hoping my good mood stays, ya know

 

[DariaBuPL]

I can surely relate to this.
I remember when I was pretending to be fine and okay. Like, going out with my friends, laugh, make jokes etc. Sometimes at night, when I was analysing the whole day, I could realize that I was truly happy at a moment. I was feeling so weird and uncomfortable with that, that I started crying because I knew that things would never be okay, so there's no need to feel happiness.
I haven't felt that for a long moment to be honest. Guess it's because I stopped pretending and lost most of my friends who I could talk to.

 

[Bread]

Everything you said is me to a T. I hate the fact that I can't "enjoy" feeling ok. It's so uncomfortable and I feel lost in a weird way. I think the reason is because just like you said, I have no idea who I am without depression.

 

[Sundayafternoon]

I think I can relate. When I'm not a good mood (depressive episodes) I know what to do. I know what's expected of me. Not a damn thing. And I feel safe because the feeling is so familiar, if that makes any sense.

When I feel "OK", there's a feeling of, "Now what? What am I supposed to do now?"

And lot's of anxiety centered around ensuring I'll continue to feel OK. Then remembering I won't ever always feel OK.