I have very intense and real thoughts about killing myself. I feel horrible every day. I keep making this "sketch" of a plan in my mind; my preferred method, what I am gonna write in my goodbye notes, how I am going to pay for and set up everything. Living is so incredibly heavy even in the minimum tasks: brushing my teeth feels like climbing Mount Everest and taking a shower feels like a trip to hell every time. There hasn't been a day in my life where things feel "lighter". Yet I don't go through with anything. It's almost like (it's difficult to explain) I am certain that death is what I want but I don't follow through for a reason I can't understand. There seems to be a "hidden uncertainty", at least that's how I'd describe it. I don't feel uncertain but I just procrastinate dying more than anything and keep bouncing my way through life. I keep asking myself if I lack courage or if I secretly want to live, but there is no answer. I keep searching, scrolling down on this forum, thinking but nothing gives me the clarity I desire on this problem. Has anybody gone through this? If so, have you had an "a-ha" moment where you feel an unshakable sense of certainty about death?
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. You have described the dilemma that most of us face. "To be or not to be . . . "
