nosurpries
Member
- Jul 3, 2022
- 97
i have been suicidal pretty much since i was able to form free thoughts. however, these last couple months have been different, something has shifted irrevocably. i have gone through bouts of suicidal ideation many times but in the back of my mind i could see myself surviving. i could see a vague idea of where i'd be in a years time. not this time. i can't imagine living another year, i genuinely cannot imagine my own future, not even abstractly. this is it, i'm going through with it in the next couple of months. i don't see myself surviving, i don't see myself in a years time it's indescribable.
everyday is worse and worse. i see my peers living out their youth in the way i am unable to. i see the person i love happy like i never existed and while i am glad that my death will now impact them minimally, it is still agony for me. i have nothing. no friends, no support system, i was a fool to be under a delusional that i had people that cared but that fantasy is long dead my eyes have been opened to reality. i have offically stopped replying anyones messages and i dont intent to until my death. not much to even say because the messages were so few because i am so anti social.
i have dreamt about killing myself almost every night this week in small variations. they're all so similar it blends together, i think they're fucking nightmares at this point. my ctb date window is still months away but my plan of isolation has already started and i will obtain sn soon so i could do it at any time that i feel is right.
everyday is worse and worse. i see my peers living out their youth in the way i am unable to. i see the person i love happy like i never existed and while i am glad that my death will now impact them minimally, it is still agony for me. i have nothing. no friends, no support system, i was a fool to be under a delusional that i had people that cared but that fantasy is long dead my eyes have been opened to reality. i have offically stopped replying anyones messages and i dont intent to until my death. not much to even say because the messages were so few because i am so anti social.
i have dreamt about killing myself almost every night this week in small variations. they're all so similar it blends together, i think they're fucking nightmares at this point. my ctb date window is still months away but my plan of isolation has already started and i will obtain sn soon so i could do it at any time that i feel is right.