Unable to help myself

[ClaudeCTTE]

I don't understand why I often help others but never help myself. For years, giving advice to people has been a habit of mine, to the point that I've wondered why I haven't been able to help myself. My therapist, instead of directly helping me, wants me to seek solutions to my problems on my own because she knows I seek solutions for other people and, therefore, I would have to find a solution, but I don't understand why the only solution I give myself is CTB.
For years, I have suffered in many ways, and my ADHD has made me see the world in a very different way than others. So, I often perceive other people's problems as if they were so simple, not realizing that beneath the surface, it's a difficult issue to solve. However, when it comes to myself, it seems as if CTB were a solution reserved only for me, as it appears impossible for me to resolve my own problems.

If I talk about my problems, I would see them like this:

• I always say that I live in loneliness, and no matter how much I try to apply my advice on how to talk to people, I am unable to do so because of my social anxiety and the fear of appearing as a burden, as most of the people I've met in the real world seem uninterested in me, and I feel like a complete stranger. On the other hand, my tendency to romanticize relationships ruins my friendships because at times, I wonder if I really want a friend or a partner, which makes me feel worse. While a solution would be to enroll in a workshop or another place, it seems the best solution I've come up with here is CTB.
• I hate society. Living in the third world has been a curse for me. For years, I've wanted to study a lot and learn languages to live in another country, but the pandemic dashed my hopes of a better life and worsened my mental health. When I entered university, I thought I would feel better, but it all turned out to be an illusion because I felt like I was going to be a wage slave and would never achieve my dreams of living better. Besides, I felt unlucky, seeing my peers fortunate enough to explore the world because their parents took them on trips, made me envious since I never had the opportunity to travel. This led me to distance myself from everyone to the point of becoming a NEET. And no matter how much I tried to advise myself that I can study and get a job, it seems that the only solution I have to deal with society is CTB.

There are more problems than I could talk about, but it seems that for everything, the only solution I consider is CTB.

I don't understand what I want in this world; every day, I feel worse, and I'm unable to solve my own problems no matter how I'm someone who gives advice to people. I'm losing hope of recovering, and it seems like I resist recovery because I think it interferes with my desire for CTB...