Story unable to connect with anyone (about myself)

[narayana0121]

I wanted to post a little about myself to see what y'all think. I really hope I'm not just wasting everyone's time.
tw: I ramble on and on at times, it might be boring.
I'm 19 years old, male. I go to college at a pretty big state university in the south. Closeted gay.
I sum up my reason for being here into two parts: social ineptitude, and family problems.


I have never had a true friend my whole life. No friend that I made on my own that I feel comfortable around, At least not since kindergarten. I feel so lonely at times, it gets unbearable.
I went to a small private school, where everyone already seemed to be good friends with everyone else. This only furthered my own feelings of exclusion. There were times when I would try to talk to others or hang out with other people around lunch, but to no avail. I was always the third wheel. There were times that I would embarrass myself, trying to follow others to try to become friends with them.
Its not like I had many redeeming "cool" qualities either. I was absolutely crap at sports, I was always last pick when it came to team sports. All I ever did was go to school, and come home to do homework, and more "practice work" that my mom piled on me to get me ahead academically. Come middle school, I realized I was gay. I had absolutely no friends I could talk to anyways, so I stayed quiet. I didn't feel comfortable telling my parents either, who knows how'd they react. I had no one to talk to, and I felt sticky, smelly, and unlikable.
Into high school, I continued to be an outcast. By now, I have fully accepted and internalized my loneliness, and accepted that I would be forever a miserable loner. Except for one acquaintance that I would see in some classes, I would never speak to anyone else, as if it would make a difference anyway. They'd treat me like I was special needs (there is nothing wrong with special needs), like I was a pet, like I was innocent and dumb. I would say something in class, and people would exclaim "woah he spoke!?!?". I hated this stupid kind of attention, so I kept my voice to a minimum.
And now I'm in college. Stupid me thought It'd be different, but no. During orientation, I spent most of the social times in the bathroom, freaked out by everyone. Ugly, fat, gay, probably looked and smelled like shit, had no interesting hobbies, and no experience with making friends. My college freshman year is almost over, and any friends that I made at the beginning of the semester all became minor acquaintances or faded away completely. I try so hard to relate with and hang out with people I see in class, but I am not interesting enough to them, they have other more fun friends.


My dad is a piece of shit. He came home every night and drank. Once he got fully drunk, he was such a pain to deal with, so annoying. The worst was when it came to him interacting with my mother. He treats her like shit, spewing nonsense names at her constantly, abusing her.
And yet, my dad never treated myself like he treated my mother, but he'd do all these things to make me feel wrong about being with my mother who took care of me. After my parents divorced before high school, there were times when he'd call the police to show up at our front door all because I didn't pick up the phone, or he'd yell at me for being late to come to his house when he had custody on the weekends, and accuse me of trying to stay with my mom. But after he'd do this, he would be loving just like my mom.
We had a big fight one time, I was at his house on his weekend, summer before senior year of HS. I don't remember the buildup, but he was saying the absolute most vile things about my mother, that she was a b*tch and prostitute, and everyone on her side of the family were bad. I decided to argue with him, and he got mad enough to take my key to the house and told me that he did not want to see me anymore. I left with my brother back to my mom's house. He tried calling me a week later and tried to convince me of why he was right about what he had said, but I didn't answer the phone (I only heard the voicemails). I went no-contact for a whole year.
I was at my grandparent's house one day though, while visiting from college, and I saw him for the first time after a while. Rather than arguing or being nasty, he was calm. We talked for a while. In retrospect, it was very shallow talk, about how I shouldn't have went no-contact like that, and I should speak with my dad.
He visits me occasionally while I'm at college so we can talk and go out to eat. I feel so confused and guilty, I spoke against him and chose to stay with my mother more during the divorce hearings, I made sure to tell them about all the shit he's done to make my mom's life miserable, and he cites this as me betraying him. He caused my mother so much pain, and he refuses to admit it, and yet treats me like his dear sweet child. He showers me in love, and...I feel like a horrible person for rejecting his love? Am I also a piece of shit like him?


This is a long essay, and I apologize for it's length. I will understand if people just ignore my post. I want to feel like I belong, but I can't and I don't. Im such a pathetic weak ass, I can't stand up to my dad's nonsense. Hell, I can't stand up to a simple conversation with a classmate without feelings of dread and anxiety. It's all to hard, it's all to scary, I don't want to continue anymore.

 

[Holu]

Hollup I briefly scrolled. I'm doing hw and want to take my time with this post. It's nearing 12 for me(I'm pst) so I'll bookmark and come back to this. Just writing this since it seemed largely ignored and I don't want you to feel unseen. Also this will put it back to the top of new posts

 

[epic]

I think you have done the right thing regarding your dad. Making it unequivocally clear to him that his words has made a deep impact on your mother and you . You parents are now separated, I don't find it morally wrong that you are meeting him every now and then. He is your father after all and he seems to care about you despite what he has done in the past.

Regarding college , boosting your self esteem might make more people gravitate towards you. I think you should see a shrink who could help you with past trauma and some self esteem .

 

[Holu]

Okie I'm finally here.

Our "adventures" through K-18 play and incredibly role in our overall development. Time and time again you will see that excluded children at young ages will grow up to be more reserved, and while I'm never angry with young kids, just like all humans they can be fucking assholes. In some ways, that event dictates a lot of the direction of your story. In my childhood, I moved houses a lot and as a result joined into the my schools social sphere late. I also swapped friend groups constantly, simply due to the fact that it was hard to communicate with them and I felt over looked. As such, I can at least to some extent relate the the feeling of being a poser, which I was throughout elementary and middle school.

By some strange and bizarre miracle, I got picked up by the school "gangbangers" I say that since 6-8 members were completely fronting, with only two being associated with bad conditions, and one being in a family with actual gang members. It was nice being around people who lowkey protected me, and despite not having the most in common, I began to develop a personality which matched with them much more.

When you talk about not fitting in, honestly I get it. In college, I'm back to square 1, where I spend most of my time alone. That being said, I still maintain that part of my personality from when I was with my highschool buddies.

It's my belief that when around people we feel safe with, inevitably we begin to mimic and inherit their tastes and mannerisms. It might feel hard to connect, with time it just happens(at least that's the only explanation I have for me, an tiny Asian kid, to connect with a bunch of 6 foot something black kids).

That being said, approaching people is honestly a nightmare, and I get the feeling that you're forever alone. This is my second going third year in Uni and I have made 0 actual friends. I also have lost / ghosted all of my old friends. As such, I laugh at the notions that college should be fun. Me personally, if I stay alive then I'm just gonna get this stage of my life over with and try to move into the next.

As for your parents, I'm really sorry about your dad. As cool as alc is, the amount of pain it causes is deplorable. Neither you or your mother deserved to suffer through that.

My own parent divorced when I was 7. My dad, whether as a joke or seriously, literally told me it was my fault. Even now, as a 20 year old, nobody tells me wtf happened, which lowkey just reinforces that idea.

Regardless, my dad essentially took everything from my mom and left her essentially homeless. Like you I stuck by my mom, and like you I regularly ghost and avoid contact with my father. He still loves me tho, and at times I think it's only because he's afraid of peer or family judgement if I turn out to be a failure.

Whatever reason your dad has to love you, know that you're not wrong for rejecting his love. If he's that incapable of showing sympathy to one of your loved ones, then he himself is scarcely deserving of sympathy in return. You're strong, very strong for having you mothers back. Me personally, I don't know if I'd have the balls to stand up to my father in court. I can only wish to be half as brave as you. Your a god damn hero and you should be proud.

Finally, as with all silent people, you're going to tend to think more to fill the gap. Because of this, it's easy to drift into worries of how people perceive you. As far as I'm aware, everyone has these thoughts, but your silence will make these more frequent and potentially more severe than most people. When I end up in these situations, I usually default to my phone, looking for someone to message. If that sounds like it would be comforting, I can send my disc or phone number for you to just throw me a message or even some random ass words.

Ultimately, my story is not yours, and I don't want the inclusion of my personal life to detract from your suffering or experiences. You have suffered a severely difficult life. I'm deeply sorry for the shit you have gone through.

If you ever feel like you need to talk to someone, my dms are always open. Similarly, most people on this site would love to talk and hear you vent. I know this world is cold, dark and lonely, and as humans, no matter how reserved or detached we might feel we are, a part of us will always crave human affection. Whilst we as a community cannot ever truly fill this need, we will do our best. We are always at your side. Amongst the forsaken you are not truly alone.

Im the same age and closeted gay guy too. I relate a lot. I never had friends in highschool either, I developed pretty crippling social anxiety coupled with OCD. Had a dysfunctional family that did the same thing, shouting and calling the cops one day and the next acting loving. My only advice is dont let them make you feel bad for going no-contact, some people just leech off any sympathy you show so they can step on you more. And I guess keep your chin up. Socializing is hard in general.

Anti social gang. It hurts even more since humans r naturally social creatures. What a cursed fucking existence.

 

[Lo Priest]

been the last picked in school PE many a times. holy shit is it cruel. whenever theyd picked teams, the teacher would always assign the shittest doucheheads the gracious task. it's hard not to take it personally. it's a task not to. and boy oh boy the anxiety of hearing the bathroom door slam open as id hide, day after day in a stall. what luck. all in conjunction with a shit home life. just beautiful. i feel you. us chock full of nervous energy and doubt, it's hard to find a place in any group setting especially if you really, really want it. best i can provide is the whole idea of exposure therapy. trouble is i could never bring myself to it, not even a try— and i am destitute. maybe my destitution brought upon by hiding away may deter you enough to try harder than i ever could. one life, worth a shot. best wishes. i really do.

 

[narayana0121]

Okie I'm finally here.

Our "adventures" through K-18 play and incredibly role in our overall development. Time and time again you will see that excluded children at young ages will grow up to be more reserved, and while I'm never angry with young kids, just like all humans they can be fucking assholes. In some ways, that event dictates a lot of the direction of your story. In my childhood, I moved houses a lot and as a result joined into the my schools social sphere late. I also swapped friend groups constantly, simply due to the fact that it was hard to communicate with them and I felt over looked. As such, I can at least to some extent relate the the feeling of being a poser, which I was throughout elementary and middle school.

By some strange and bizarre miracle, I got picked up by the school "gangbangers" I say that since 6-8 members were completely fronting, with only two being associated with bad conditions, and one being in a family with actual gang members. It was nice being around people who lowkey protected me, and despite not having the most in common, I began to develop a personality which matched with them much more.

When you talk about not fitting in, honestly I get it. In college, I'm back to square 1, where I spend most of my time alone. That being said, I still maintain that part of my personality from when I was with my highschool buddies.

It's my belief that when around people we feel safe with, inevitably we begin to mimic and inherit their tastes and mannerisms. It might feel hard to connect, with time it just happens(at least that's the only explanation I have for me, an tiny Asian kid, to connect with a bunch of 6 foot something black kids).

That being said, approaching people is honestly a nightmare, and I get the feeling that you're forever alone. This is my second going third year in Uni and I have made 0 actual friends. I also have lost / ghosted all of my old friends. As such, I laugh at the notions that college should be fun. Me personally, if I stay alive then I'm just gonna get this stage of my life over with and try to move into the next.

As for your parents, I'm really sorry about your dad. As cool as alc is, the amount of pain it causes is deplorable. Neither you or your mother deserved to suffer through that.

My own parent divorced when I was 7. My dad, whether as a joke or seriously, literally told me it was my fault. Even now, as a 20 year old, nobody tells me wtf happened, which lowkey just reinforces that idea.

Regardless, my dad essentially took everything from my mom and left her essentially homeless. Like you I stuck by my mom, and like you I regularly ghost and avoid contact with my father. He still loves me tho, and at times I think it's only because he's afraid of peer or family judgement if I turn out to be a failure.

Whatever reason your dad has to love you, know that you're not wrong for rejecting his love. If he's that incapable of showing sympathy to one of your loved ones, then he himself is scarcely deserving of sympathy in return. You're strong, very strong for having you mothers back. Me personally, I don't know if I'd have the balls to stand up to my father in court. I can only wish to be half as brave as you. Your a god damn hero and you should be proud.

Finally, as with all silent people, you're going to tend to think more to fill the gap. Because of this, it's easy to drift into worries of how people perceive you. As far as I'm aware, everyone has these thoughts, but your silence will make these more frequent and potentially more severe than most people. When I end up in these situations, I usually default to my phone, looking for someone to message. If that sounds like it would be comforting, I can send my disc or phone number for you to just throw me a message or even some random ass words.

Ultimately, my story is not yours, and I don't want the inclusion of my personal life to detract from your suffering or experiences. You have suffered a severely difficult life. I'm deeply sorry for the shit you have gone through.

If you ever feel like you need to talk to someone, my dms are always open. Similarly, most people on this site would love to talk and hear you vent. I know this world is cold, dark and lonely, and as humans, no matter how reserved or detached we might feel we are, a part of us will always crave human affection. Whilst we as a community cannot ever truly fill this need, we will do our best. We are always at your side. Amongst the forsaken you are not truly alone.

Anti social gang. It hurts even more since humans r naturally social creatures. What a cursed fucking existence.

Thank you so much for taking the time to reply so thoroughly, It means a lot to me that someone took the time to understand my feelings. It feels a little better to get this off my chest. I'm not sure when or if I can ever feel comfortable talking about my feelings with a therapist or irl people, so this seems like a place to start.

I think you have done the right thing regarding your dad. Making it unequivocally clear to him that his words has made a deep impact on your mother and you . You parents are now separated, I don't find it morally wrong that you are meeting him every now and then. He is your father after all and he seems to care about you despite what he has done in the past.

Regarding college , boosting your self esteem might make more people gravitate towards you. I think you should see a shrink who could help you with past trauma and some self esteem .

Sorry, can I ask what is a shrink, I think I'm stupid lmao I've never heard of it 0_0

 

[Holu]

First off don't worry about thanking me. Its the absolute least you deserve for all your suffering that has transpired and is still occurring.

Sorry, can I ask what is a shrink, I think I'm stupid lmao I've never heard of it 0_0

Shrink is another(normally derogatory) word for a therapist/mental health professional.