Venting Ugly, ugly, ugly

[A_miStake_of_NATURE]

The ugliness of my own body and mind became unbearable to live with. Every time I see myself in the mirror I get so overwhelmed I wanna cry. And I do. It's such a painful feeling to realize it's impossible to escape myself, except for committing suicide. And close people telling me they can't see what I'm seeing is really not helping. Why isn't it enough to agree with me if that's how I think and feel?? My own mom starts screaming whenever I try to talk to her about it. I guess she thinks that calling me shallow can be somewhat helpful. I wonder if it happens because she just feels ashamed and embarrassed to have a daughter like me….. But tbh, I don't care if she does….. That was her choice, to give birth to me.
I know she loves me, but being so dismissive of my feelings truly hurts me. I can't even cry when she's home, because she starts accusing me of trying to cause her pain.
Does anyone relate?….

 

[rosie93]

The ugliness of my own body and mind became unbearable to live with. Every time I see myself in the mirror I get so overwhelmed I wanna cry. And I do. It's such a painful feeling to realize it's impossible to escape myself, except for committing suicide. And close people telling me they can't see what I'm seeing is really not helping. Why isn't it enough to agree with me if that's how I think and feel?? My own mom starts screaming whenever I try to talk to her about it. I guess she thinks that calling me shallow can be somewhat helpful. I wonder if it happens because she just feels ashamed and embarrassed to have a daughter like me….. But tbh, I don't care if she does….. That was her choice, to give birth to me.
I know she loves me, but being so dismissive of my feelings truly hurts me. I can't even cry when she's home, because she starts accusing me of trying to cause her pain.
Does anyone relate?….

Yep, it was and still is like that with my mum whenever I see her. Your mum will never see your point or understand you. Her mind is built in a different way. In my case, everytime I felt great with myself or with my body my mum and sister would say that I'm too skinny. And when I was a child they used to say that I should lose some weight. I never heard any of them say 'You look great'. Neither from my so called friends. The only people who would say sth nice to me like 'You are beautiful' or 'You have a great figure' were strangers. And I always believed them. Good people.

Anyway, if you're looking for help, you have to find people who will understand you. A group theraphy (you can find some friends there who have similar problems or at least a therapist ;)

Edit:
If you do want to change something in yourself believe me you can. Many girls do it. Just do what will make you happy. You can change many things. Your eyebrows - different shape and colour makes your face look really different. Believe me, I know. You can make your eyelashes longer. You can easily get beautiful nails. You can make your lips bigger. I know some girls change their cheeks and chin too. Of course you can change your hair. All you need is some money. And not even that much.

If you want to change your body, you have to change your diet and you have to move more. Long walks for example, you can start with 2km, then 5km, then 10km, 20km and so on. It works, I used to walk for 4-6h and felt great. Or riding a bike. Or jogging.

Just do what will make you happy.

 

[ClownMe]

I can relate to not liking what you see in the mirror, I personally hate how I look and it doesn't help that im so depressed that i couldn't even be bother to keep in shape.

I know this probably doesnt make you feel any better because you've said in your post that other people can't see what you see (also I hope this doesnt sound super creepy), but assuming that's you in your profile picture(?) I think you're fairly attractive and I really like your hair!

Looks are overrated anyway, even though sadly that's what the majority of our society craves. You seem to have a great personality and seem like a kind person, that's the main thing.

I hope things work out for you, whether you want to ctb or continue living, it sucks whenever someone on here is in pain.

*virtual hug*

Edit: I hope you work things out with your mum as well, I have a strained relationship with basically all my family and it's quite dissapointing that I can't repair it

 

[imamess]

the chicks want $$$

 

[TheAmazingCriswell]

Looks are overrated anyway, even though sadly that's what the majority of our society craves.

Well, then they aren't overrated, are they? The majority of people are superficial, so being good looking is preferable to being unsightly.

You seem to have a great personality and seem like a kind person, that's the main thing.

I'm afraid it's not. If anything, being kind will leave you at a disadvantage compared to your more ruthless peers, unless you possess some exceptional skills or talents that make it difficult to replace you.

 

[raison_d'etre]

The ugliness of my own body and mind became unbearable to live with. Every time I see myself in the mirror I get so overwhelmed I wanna cry. And I do. It's such a painful feeling to realize it's impossible to escape myself, except for committing suicide. And close people telling me they can't see what I'm seeing is really not helping. Why isn't it enough to agree with me if that's how I think and feel?? My own mom starts screaming whenever I try to talk to her about it. I guess she thinks that calling me shallow can be somewhat helpful. I wonder if it happens because she just feels ashamed and embarrassed to have a daughter like me….. But tbh, I don't care if she does….. That was her choice, to give birth to me.
I know she loves me, but being so dismissive of my feelings truly hurts me. I can't even cry when she's home, because she starts accusing me of trying to cause her pain.
Does anyone relate?….

my mom was the same person who got me addicted to cigarettes and alcohol when i was 13, after she divorced my dad, she had multiple boyfriends, im guessing your mom had something similar going on. physical and emotional abuse was everyday. she kicked me out because i had a problem with one of her boyfriend coming out of prison and her getting back with him (he almost killed her) well, she was back with him for bout a year before he sent her to the ER again, this time she moved in with my grandpa, to get away from it all, and stay in a paradise while im still stuck here in the ghetto. she even had the audacity to say the reason none of my family would help me is because they'd be enabling me??? how would you be enabling me??? how easy is it to buy oxy or some h in the ghetto??? now tell me how easy it is to buy that shit in the boondocks of michigan, not a gas station for 25 miles. i dont even got a car, how would yall be enabling me??? its fucked, i didnt ask to be born but yet my mother decided on it even though she knew she'd be abandoning all hope of raising me and taking care of me when i was 13

i hate family, i hate friends, i hate the people that pretend to be close to me only to make themselves feel good for pitying a person in such dire circumstances as mine. if you pity me, id rather you hate me

p.s
sorry for spelling/wording/eventline
im no storyteller, and i dont vent often

 

[ClownMe]

Well, then they aren't overrated, are they? The majority of people are superficial, so being good looking is preferable to being unsightly.

I'm afraid it's not. If anything, being kind will leave you at a disadvantage compared to your more ruthless peers, unless you possess some exceptional skills or talents that make it difficult to replace you.

Yeah I suppose you have a point, but should we not still be good people to others and look beyond appearances even if it won't always benefit us due to the clown society we live in?

 

[TheAmazingCriswell]

Yeah I suppose you have a point, but should we not still be good people to others and look beyond appearances even if it won't always benefit us due to the clown society we live in?

I did not claim anything to the contrary; I merely denied your assertion that having a good personality and being a kind person is the main thing.

 

[ClownMe]

I did not claim anything to the contrary; I merely denied your assertion that having a good personality and being a kind person is the main thing.

For me personally, it is the main thing. I've recently realised that I'll never be happy no matter what happens and im bound to ctb in the near future, I might as well be kind to people on my way out and if I can make their days even slightly less miserable then I guess that's a win, albeit a very small win in the grand scheme of things. Admittedly maybe this isn't the main thing for everyone so I could have worded that better.

 

[A_miStake_of_NATURE]

Yep, it was and still is like that with my mum whenever I see her. Your mum will never see your point or understand you. Her mind is built in a different way. In my case, everytime I felt great with myself or with my body my mum and sister would say that I'm too skinny. And when I was a child they used to say that I should lose some weight. I never heard any of them say 'You look great'. Neither from my so called friends. The only people who would say sth nice to me like 'You are beautiful' or 'You have a great figure' were strangers. And I always believed them. Good people.

Anyway, if you're looking for help, you have to find people who will understand you. A group theraphy (you can find some friends there who have similar problems or at least a therapist ;)

Edit:
If you do want to change something in yourself believe me you can. Many girls do it. Just do what will make you happy. You can change many things. Your eyebrows - different shape and colour makes your face look really different. Believe me, I know. You can make your eyelashes longer. You can easily get beautiful nails. You can make your lips bigger. I know some girls change their cheeks and chin too. Of course you can change your hair. All you need is some money. And not even that much.

If you want to change your body, you have to change your diet and you have to move more. Long walks for example, you can start with 2km, then 5km, then 10km, 20km and so on. It works, I used to walk for 4-6h and felt great. Or riding a bike. Or jogging.

Just do what will make you happy.

Thank you. Actually, I have a different problem. My mom and friends say that I'm beautiful even though I know they're wrong. And for any changes I need lots of money. For surgeries and cosmetic procedures. I don't have any.
Your family don't sound very nice. I'm so sorry you're surrounded by these people. Moms are supposed to be the most supportive and loving and caring people. It really sucks that you've been criticized by your own mom so much.

I can relate to not liking what you see in the mirror, I personally hate how I look and it doesn't help that im so depressed that i couldn't even be bother to keep in shape.

I know this probably doesnt make you feel any better because you've said in your post that other people can't see what you see (also I hope this doesnt sound super creepy), but assuming that's you in your profile picture(?) I think you're fairly attractive and I really like your hair!

Looks are overrated anyway, even though sadly that's what the majority of our society craves. You seem to have a great personality and seem like a kind person, that's the main thing.

I hope things work out for you, whether you want to ctb or continue living, it sucks whenever someone on here is in pain.

*virtual hug*

Edit: I hope you work things out with your mum as well, I have a strained relationship with basically all my family and it's quite dissapointing that I can't repair it

Thank you for your kind words. Yeah, it is me. One of the rare pictures I look semi decent I guess. I've been struggling to get through to my mom my whole life. She's so stubborn. I doubt even my death would change her mind.
I stopped working out too. Can't see the point anymore. Can't really fathom how I ever found any point in anything before. I guess I used to be dumber than I thought.

the chicks want $$$

Yeah!! Is that so bad? I wanna make money:):) who doesn't? I wish I was smart enough for that

Well, then they aren't overrated, are they? The majority of people are superficial, so being good looking is preferable to being unsightly.

I'm afraid it's not. If anything, being kind will leave you at a disadvantage compared to your more ruthless peers, unless you possess some exceptional skills or talents that make it difficult to replace you.

Couldn't agree more:):)

my mom was the same person who got me addicted to cigarettes and alcohol when i was 13, after she divorced my dad, she had multiple boyfriends, im guessing your mom had something similar going on. physical and emotional abuse was everyday. she kicked me out because i had a problem with one of her boyfriend coming out of prison and her getting back with him (he almost killed her) well, she was back with him for bout a year before he sent her to the ER again, this time she moved in with my grandpa, to get away from it all, and stay in a paradise while im still stuck here in the ghetto. she even had the audacity to say the reason none of my family would help me is because they'd be enabling me??? how would you be enabling me??? how easy is it to buy oxy or some h in the ghetto??? now tell me how easy it is to buy that shit in the boondocks of michigan, not a gas station for 25 miles. i dont even got a car, how would yall be enabling me??? its fucked, i didnt ask to be born but yet my mother decided on it even though she knew she'd be abandoning all hope of raising me and taking care of me when i was 13

i hate family, i hate friends, i hate the people that pretend to be close to me only to make themselves feel good for pitying a person in such dire circumstances as mine. if you pity me, id rather you hate me

p.s
sorry for spelling/wording/eventline
im no storyteller, and i dont vent often

I think lots of people misunderstood me here. My mom is great!! The only problem here is that she thinks that I'm smart and beautiful and gets upset that I think otherwise. I just feel very misunderstood and lonely.
But your situation is fairly awful. I'm so sorry. You don't deserve that. I'm really sorry. But they are good people out there too. Not everyone is satan's minions…..

For me personally, it is the main thing. I've recently realised that I'll never be happy no matter what happens and im bound to ctb in the near future, I might as well be kind to people on my way out and if I can make their days even slightly less miserable then I guess that's a win, albeit a very small win in the grand scheme of things. Admittedly maybe this isn't the main thing for everyone so I could have worded that better.

It's fair enough to say that being beautiful, intelligent, kind and nice is the best combo here :):):) I just want to be everything ))

 

[ClownMe]

Thank you for your kind words. Yeah, it is me. One of the rare pictures I look semi decent I guess. I've been struggling to get through to my mom my whole life. She's so stubborn. I doubt even my death would change her mind.

My mum is a narcissist sadly and no matter how hard ive tried over the years to build a relationship with her she's shown time and time again that she's too selfish to care about anyone other than herself. I dont know if your situation is a bad as the one with my mum but yeah, it's not fun.

 

[A_miStake_of_NATURE]

My mum is a narcissist sadly and no matter how hard ive tried over the years to build a relationship with her she's shown time and time again that she's too selfish to care about anyone other than herself. I dont know if your situation is a bad as the one with my mum but yeah, it's not fun.

No, no. It's not bad. Man. Was my English so bad? My mom is a saint. And I think it comes from love. Is it bad that my mom thinks I'm beautiful and intelligent?? No one ever did and does so much for me as my mom. My mom is a wonderful person. Anyone would consider themselves lucky to have a mom like mine. I just wish she would see that the level of my self loathe was so extreme that I was ready to kms.
Your mom sounds like a character. I hope you don't live with her anymore.

 

[BluesRunTheGame]

I judge my ugliness by how often I've been rejected my women.

Too many times to count

 

[Mr2005]

Sort of. It's the reason I ruined my life and now I can't live with myself. Don't make the same mistake. The truth is no one cares except us. Your mum probably just wishes she was your age again because she'd make more of it

 

[A_miStake_of_NATURE]

Okay. For anyone who thought otherwise, my mom just wants me to be happy. I either really suck at conveying my thoughts or some of you guys really misread my post…..

Sort of. It's the reason I ruined my life and now I can't live with myself. Don't make the same mistake. The truth is no one cares except us. Your mum probably just wishes she was your age again because she'd make more of it

I'm sorry if you're surrounded by the wrong crowd….. They are good people in this world. I wish you well

 

[FuneralCry]

I understand how you feel. I always avoid mirrors as I despise looking at myself. Of course for me, the true ugliness lies inside rather than the outside. The way I see it, my existence is just one big mistake, I believe I should have never been born. I'm sorry you are going through this, our own thoughts can torture us. I wish you well.

 

[A_miStake_of_NATURE]

I understand how you feel. I always avoid mirrors as I despise looking at myself. Of course for me, the true ugliness lies inside rather than the outside. The way I see it, my existence is just one big mistake, I believe I should have never been born. I'm sorry you are going through this, our own thoughts can torture us. I wish you well.

I'm sorry too. I absolutely understand how you feel. My birth was the biggest mistake.

 

[TheAmazingCriswell]

For me personally, it is the main thing. I've recently realised that I'll never be happy no matter what happens and im bound to ctb in the near future, I might as well be kind to people on my way out and if I can make their days even slightly less miserable then I guess that's a win, albeit a very small win in the grand scheme of things. Admittedly maybe this isn't the main thing for everyone so I could have worded that better.

By all means, be as kind as you can without being taken advantage of!
To quote Abraham Joshua Heschel: "When I was young, I used to admire intelligent people; as I grow older, I admire kind people."
I try to be kind to others too (which is fairly easy considering that I rarely interact with people), and I apologise if some of my posts, which at times are rather blunt, should come across as passive-aggressive.
Cheers!