succor
tumbling down, tumbling down, tumbling down
- Oct 28, 2020
- 104
TW: sexual assault, violence, CSA
Does anyone else get terrible urges to recreate their trauma when they're feeling particularly bitter/depressed/angry/upset? Like, as a coping mechanism? Or even as self punishment?
I know this is probably an uncomfortable subject and it's very unhealthy, I'm sorry. But there's no one I can talk to about this IRL without them freaking out or trying to have me sectioned or something.
When I'm feeling low and grimy like tonight, I find myself wanting to put myself in dangerous situations that might mirror or remind me of things that have happened to me. Like meeting with a stranger and hoping they get violent with me, or that they assault me. I find myself thinking, you deserved what happened to you, and it would feel SO satisfying to experience something like it again because you DESERVE IT. I know it doesn't make sense, and it's an ugly invasive thought. I've been to therapy and I've been medicated but nothing helps me to stop wanting this as like, a form of self harm or something. I don't know what to do about it anymore. I've done well enough to avoid actually acting on it, save for a stint in high school where I was hypersexual and putting myself in questionable situations, but I can't shake the horrible craving to be hurt again. It's like I WANT to hate myself more.
I know I sound crazy, and if this isn't the proper place to discuss things like this I'm so sorry. I just don't know where to vent about this.
Does anyone else get terrible urges to recreate their trauma when they're feeling particularly bitter/depressed/angry/upset? Like, as a coping mechanism? Or even as self punishment?
I know this is probably an uncomfortable subject and it's very unhealthy, I'm sorry. But there's no one I can talk to about this IRL without them freaking out or trying to have me sectioned or something.
When I'm feeling low and grimy like tonight, I find myself wanting to put myself in dangerous situations that might mirror or remind me of things that have happened to me. Like meeting with a stranger and hoping they get violent with me, or that they assault me. I find myself thinking, you deserved what happened to you, and it would feel SO satisfying to experience something like it again because you DESERVE IT. I know it doesn't make sense, and it's an ugly invasive thought. I've been to therapy and I've been medicated but nothing helps me to stop wanting this as like, a form of self harm or something. I don't know what to do about it anymore. I've done well enough to avoid actually acting on it, save for a stint in high school where I was hypersexual and putting myself in questionable situations, but I can't shake the horrible craving to be hurt again. It's like I WANT to hate myself more.
I know I sound crazy, and if this isn't the proper place to discuss things like this I'm so sorry. I just don't know where to vent about this.