Venting [TW SH] nearly cut my wrist last night

[viljalauss]

(impulsively)

note it is very very rare that i will cut in a way / in a place that has real potential to endanger me. i cut to cope (sometimes because of dysphoria or generally feeling terrible but usually because of interpersonal conflict / harsh/difficult interpersonal interactions) but when i do i almost always know and am in control of what i am doing. i cut on my stomach last night as well and that was acting on an urge but it was still a comparably conscious decision .. when it came to my wrist it was like something else had come over me and i had to work hard to stop myself. to be fair it might not have even gone that deep if i had let myself go but the impulse was still there and scary.

also the reason i was so distraught unsettles me so much. like.. my bf was breaking down in my arms and apparently that was too much for my puny little psyche to handle. i had to leave in the middle of holding and trying to comfort him to then break down myself because of how powerless i am to help. and like most of the reason i decided to stop thinking about pursuing ctb, apart from just being able to keep seeing him, was so i could be there for him. and i'm doing terribly at that. he's hurting so much and however much love i give him and make sure to express, while it may be 'enough', it doesn't stop him hurting in the ways he does. i am experiencing the horror of what it means to realise that great love is not enough to shield someone against (long-term) effects of suffering.

and i know he takes the burden of my own pain as well, when i leave him he tells me he'll be there waiting, tells me to stay for him.. it should be me providing that steadfast support but i can't even be of help in a single moment so what is the point. i am in the same place i was when i still seriously and constantly considered ctb. i am aimless, i am powerless, i am once again hearing the warnings that i should be dead and what awaits will only be worse things and worse versions of me. all the progress i think i've made gets undone before i can use it to help anyone else. i think i really am done for ):

 

[Inthewind]

Sometimes all we can do is be there physically, can't say anything that can help or solve something, just be there. Progress is up and down, feels tough to maintain the very instance we make a mistake. But at the very least we at least have instances where the progress goes up sometimes it just goes down and down, never up.

 

[viljalauss]

Sometimes all we can do is be there physically, can't say anything that can help or solve something, just be there. Progress is up and down, feels tough to maintain the very instance we make a mistake. But at the very least we at least have instances where the progress goes up sometimes it just goes down and down, never up.

yea this is important to remember <3 to be fair i don't really expect myself to have some magical phrase at hand for each experience he shares with me and the pain of each i think it's just the fear of either 1) not saying anything / enough when he does actually want/need a response or 2) accidentally saying smth that hurts him even further (not me being unkind, more like if a statement of reassurance falls flat and turns in his mind into a confirmation of what he was scared of. if that makes sense)

but it is true that anything is better than leaving him alone into a soul-hollowing spiral and i can and will be physically there as long or little as i am around. it just hurts sm )): (me, an empath /s)

 

[Inthewind]

yea this is important to remember <3 to be fair i don't really expect myself to have some magical phrase at hand for each experience he shares with me and the pain of each i think it's just the fear of either 1) not saying anything / enough when he does actually want/need a response or 2) accidentally saying smth that hurts him even further (not me being unkind, more like if a statement of reassurance falls flat and turns in his mind into a confirmation of what he was scared of. if that makes sense)

but it is true that anything is better than leaving him alone into a soul-hollowing spiral and i can and will be physically there as long or little as i am around. it just hurts sm )): (me, an empath /s)

Oh yeah I see totally get those, ive never had a relationship where they were in person and only online, and it stunnnk just sittin there seeing them cry and all you can do is be there, cant really say anything because of all those fears you mentioned aswell. Sugar being empaaath be biiig tough for that, aack . like i dont think i empath i try block that in a way and I just observe and try guess if people feelin different. I not that good at guessing I have problem with even identifying faces between people. Like everyone looks that same if they have the same colored hair, I mix people up. Well when you dont know what to do, always remember the just be there physicially. Im sure its as comforting as someone can get, use your super empath abilities and tell them you understand and say what they are saying (like, : it hurts.. (like if someone had ouchie)) and say I understand it hurts, or if in general they arent speaking, saying its okay is always a comforting phrase too