[TW] I don't know who I am after sexual assault...

[SuicideAwaits]

I was sexually assaulted when I was a child. All my life I brushed it off as "reoccurring dreams" because I could only remember pieces of it and I hated myself for these dreams I "made up", until recently the truth came out. I am now in my 20s, and trying to heal from this event since I never fully processed it growing up.

Almost anything I do , I start questioning if I am this way because I was sexually assaulted or this is just who I am regardless. Is it the reason I experience anger/crying more easily? Is it the reason for my specific sexual attractions? Is it the reason I like getting high? Is it the reason I am suicidal and self harmed?

I know that it does me no good to question myself like this, because either way I am the person who I am now because of what I went through. The person who I would've been without the sexual assault does not exist and I can't keep hating myself for not being someone else, especially a version of me that does not exist. I can only keeping growing as the person I am now. Curious if anyone else is experiencing this?

 

[Miss_Takes]

It is a long journey to recovery but there is room for more than just us on the boat. Many people have similar stories.
Mow that you 'know' you can do what you need to do for you.
Remember how brave amd strong you have had to be to be who youve become today ... that courage and strength is still in you and will help you become who you will be in the future.
Kia Kaha (Forever Strong)

 

[stygal]

I am so sorry you had to experience one of the most traumatic things a person can go through at such an early age.

It's impossible to figure out where we would be in life without our past trauma.

The only right way now is to acknowledge your feelings and of course your truth (that is was real) in the present. Maybe think about seeing a therapist if you're still too overwhelmed.

And one thing I figured out (for myself) is that the way I act and acted in the past can't be traced back to a single factor but much more a multitude of different influences (being more prone to depression, having a physical disability, maybe having a certain personality type AND trauma) so I can't really look at anything in the sense of "my life would have been perfect if xyz didn't happen".

Now I just deal with the aftermath.
Some stuff I've accepted and other things I'll always be mad about but it doesn't hurt me as much anymore.

 

[Symbiote]

Your past is valid, just like mine is too. I'm also a CSA survivor and still trying to process it all as I grew up, though there's been many roadblocks in the way to my path of healing. Some of the stuff makes me mad, sometimes I turn it inward, sometimes I blame myself for letting it happen. Had a few bad therapists with specific agendas in mind tell me differently, that I should assume responsibility for my actions, that I'm dirty. I lashed out at them, those people are bad too. All I can do is learn to love myself, be by myself, and only trust myself.

 

[Deleted member 94]

Your past is valid, just like mine is too. I'm also a CSA survivor and still trying to process it all as I grew up, though there's been many roadblocks in the way to my path of healing. Some of the stuff makes me mad, sometimes I turn it inward, sometimes I blame myself for letting it happen. Had a few bad therapists with specific agendas in mind tell me differently, that I should assume responsibility for my actions, that I'm dirty. I lashed out at them, those people are bad too. All I can do is learn to love myself, be by myself, and only trust myself.

How can a child be dirty and responsible for such an act. Didn't any of your therapist not say that it wasn't your fault and that you are innocent so don't beat yourself up or blame yourself.

 

[Symbiote]

How can a child be dirty and responsible for such an act. Didn't any of your therapist not say that it wasn't your fault and that you are innocent so don't beat yourself up or blame yourself.

Their words were, "Why did you not say no, why did you not go to school and tell the teacher?" "Because you didn't do these things, you must be responsible for your actions with the intended consequences." "Most kids at that age would tell anyone, but you remained quiet..." "You could've told anyone, but you CHOSE not to. We call that enabling the abuser."

Another was, "What's done is done, it's time to move on, you have a bright future ahead of you and what's done in the past will never come back to you again."

The final one, "I find that hard to believe that you as a boy was sexually molested, you should be ashamed!"


Either I'm attracted to horrible therapists or they were showing tough love, could be both. I know that I'm always treated differently than the others and I've accepted that.

 

[Deleted member 94]

Their words were, "Why did you not say no, why did you not go to school and tell the teacher?" "Because you didn't do these things, you must be responsible for your actions with the intended consequences." "Most kids at that age would tell anyone, but you remained quiet..." "You could've told anyone, but you CHOSE not to. We call that enabling the abuser."

Another was, "What's done is done, it's time to move on, you have a bright future ahead of you and what's done in the past will never come back to you again."

The final one, "I find that hard to believe that you as a boy was sexually molested, you should be ashamed!"


Either I'm attracted to horrible therapists or they were showing tough love, could be both. I know that I'm always treated differently than the others and I've accepted that.

I'm really sorry you had to hear these taunts from therapists whose job it is to help your healing process. I know one of my ex friends was assaulted by her uncle she wasn't even aware of what was happening was what we grown ups call having sex.

 

[Isadeth]

I'm very sorry for your trauma and experiences. Unfortunately I can relate to your post all too well. Almost verbatim. If you ever need to talk, please pm me.

 

[Symbiote]

Thanks you two! I get confused at times with trying to process these. I told my wife the same thing, but she echoed what the therapists said with the added insult, "Yes your mom was terrible, but only you have yourself to blame for these problems because you didn't speak up or just let it happened cause maybe you enjoyed it?"

So here I am on the Suicide Board. Back and forth with my thoughts....yay.

 

[Deleted member 94]

Thanks you two! I get confused at times with trying to process these. I told my wife the same thing, but she echoed what the therapists said with the added insult, "Yes your mom was terrible, but only you have yourself to blame for these problems because you didn't speak up or just let it happened cause maybe you enjoyed it?"

So here I am on the Suicide Board. Back and forth with my thoughts....yay.

Reminds me of the response from my sister in law, why didn't my ex friend report it. She was just a child, she didn't know what was happening until later on in her life and the member was a family member so her parents wouldn't let her when she wanted to.

 

[Red]

You're not defined by what happens to you; only by how you choose to deal with your experiences as you move on in life. If you can find some way to move forward, even if it is by very small degrees over a long length of time, you win!

You're already stronger than you think for coming out the other side and having such intelligent insight

 

[LittleJem]

Your past is valid, just like mine is too. I'm also a CSA survivor and still trying to process it all as I grew up, though there's been many roadblocks in the way to my path of healing. Some of the stuff makes me mad, sometimes I turn it inward, sometimes I blame myself for letting it happen. Had a few bad therapists with specific agendas in mind tell me differently, that I should assume responsibility for my actions, that I'm dirty. I lashed out at them, those people are bad too. All I can do is learn to love myself, be by myself, and only trust myself.

I cannot believe those disgusting therapists. I am so glad you trust yourself first.

 

[NodusTollens]

I was sexually assaulted when I was a child. All my life I brushed it off as "reoccurring dreams" because I could only remember pieces of it and I hated myself for these dreams I "made up", until recently the truth came out. I am now in my 20s, and trying to heal from this event since I never fully processed it growing up.

Almost anything I do , I start questioning if I am this way because I was sexually assaulted or this is just who I am regardless. Is it the reason I experience anger/crying more easily? Is it the reason for my specific sexual attractions? Is it the reason I like getting high? Is it the reason I am suicidal and self harmed?

I know that it does me no good to question myself like this, because either way I am the person who I am now because of what I went through. The person who I would've been without the sexual assault does not exist and I can't keep hating myself for not being someone else, especially a version of me that does not exist. I can only keeping growing as the person I am now. Curious if anyone else is experiencing this?

— Hugs —
It breaks my heart to read your words, I'm sorry you even have to pose those questions to yourself. It sounds exhausting.

I don't want to go into detail, though I can empathize with the thoughts you're having surrounding what happened. I have hang ups & fears surrounding sexual intimacy as well.

No one deserves this.

 

[LittleJem]

There are great books on surviving abuse out there which might help you.. I was personally abused in other ways, but I did buy one book on this topic, because it was so good, it's called The Courage to Heal.

Here's a link I found to some other recommendations in case they are useful:

9 Books By Sexual Assault Survivors That Empower You To Heal From Trauma - Pretty Progressive

Sexual assault and rape happen. They are, regrettably, more common than most people think. And there are very few people qualified to offer emotional assistance to victims, and most certainly no victim knows how to deal with it. In these intensively traumatic events, people definitely need the...

prettyprogressive.com

 

[LittleJem]

ps OP, trauma does have all of those effects and does damage us - but hopefully that does not mean we cannot learn to look after ourselves better and heal a little. I hope you have found and continue to find sources of comfort and healing.