Venting TW: Dealing with a potentially criminal paraphilia

[DerezzMyself143]

First I wanna clarify the obvious: I haven't hurt anyone nor I plan to. I know what consent is and I'm against abuse of any kind. I'm not a criminal, but I guess that doesn't matter if everyone in society views me and my brethren as demons...

I am a pedophile.

I was born with this unusual and terrible paraphilic disorder, and it's the main cause of my depression. I'll spare the details giving this is a delicate topic, but as I said, I haven't offended. I'm not capable of doing such atrocities because of my values as a person. I learned to accept it and canalize my urges in inoffensive, legal ways. I searched for help and found some places where I can fully vent myself about this. Learned some healthy coping strategies along the way.

But that doesn't make my life less painful. Being compared with absolute monsters and dehumanized on a daily basis just for having a disorder I didn't ask to be born with. I hate myself and tried to ctb many times because of the justified stigma against people like me. Even if I control myself and can be a mostly functional adult and a law-abiding citizen, society will always demonize me and other non-offenders. No one wants a creep like me in this world and it makes me depressed.

I bet even some people here would want me beaten to death and I get them. I fully empathize with CSA victims and if my sacrifice means something to them, then I'll do it. Or I would, but I'm such a coward for even trying another suicide attempt and I wouldn't want my loved ones to suffer from my loss. At least, not yet. Eventually I will not stand it any longer and death will come to my doorstep. It's what I deserve. And I rather die painfully than hurt a child.

 

[flutebloom]

I'm sorry

 

[pixi]

have you looked into therapy regarding this? the fact that you're actively trying to improve that area of your life and that you can admit it says a lot. there are people that specialize in helping people with your paraphilia and others. i'm not gonna act like the hate isn't justified, but it's damaging to both sides of the equation. as a CSA victim, i wish other people pushed people struggling to seek help as well instead of regurgitating the same insults and sometimes threats. they don't do anything but make the person experiencing those thoughts less likely to talk about them, less likely to reach out, and more likely to offend since they aren't receiving help from the resources out there. it's possible to lose the attraction, but in some cases it is known to remain, but it can be managed to prevent you from doing something horrible and living as normal of a life as you can. it's possible for you to overcome this.

 

[kitia973]

I have read your post carefully and I see that you are in much internal pain, however I will say that your thoughts and desires do not define you as a person, harmful thoughts are not justified, but simply choosing not to act on the harmful urges is a profound choice that reflects more about your values than any intrusive thought.

Western society does have an inclination to instantly demonize those with your types of paraphilias but at the same time forget that you are humans, not monsters, and I dislike the term "monster", if you are in a homo sapiens body made up of human cells, than you are a human literally. Morally you are not a monster for having desires because you have specified that you did not act on any of the harmful urges.

Having desires, albeit harmful ones, does not make someone inherently evil, actions do, and it is important to differentiate between the two

 

[bankai]

You have the predilection, but you're not willing to act on it. I don't see any harm done. You're not a bad person at all.Child molesters, however, cause trauma to a small child and that child has to carry that burden forever. There are some who still weep even in their old age at the trauma they suffered at a young age. It's a horrific thing. Child molesters do not have a place in this world.

You are a good person. You recognize that children should not be harmed And have not done any harm yourself.

 

[Linda]

Nobody gets to decide who they find sexually attractive. So there is nothing at all morally wrong with you if you find kids sexually attractive. You should stop worrying about that aspect of it.
So long as you deal with the situation by fantasising and masturbation, and nothing more, you won't cause any problems for yourself or for anyone else.
As for the haters, your situation is no worse than the situation gay people were in 50 years ago, and not much worse than the situation that trans people are in now. Just ignore them.

 

[DerezzMyself143]

have you looked into therapy regarding this?

Tried to. Didn't work at all. My former psychiatrist even suggested conversion therapy. Sometimes I think about it, then I remember those things don't work and only leave their "patients" more scarred.

Other psychiatrist however told me the same stuff I've been hearing: as long as I don't act on those urges there's nothing "wrong" with having these desires. I don't creep on kids in public and in fact I can actually form healthy friendships with some of them. My urges only arise in my private time and even then I have my limits: I only resort to lolicon art and a body pillow of my favorite 2D little girl character (both of which are legal in my country as they don't harm real minors).

Tried to see the bigger picture too: being a pedophile is a part of me, but not my whole self. I have other normal hobbies like gaming and art, gonna return my studies too. The thing is, I'm too scared and paranoid. Almost no one from my inner circle knows about my pedophilia and the few who know are the ones who were present during my many suicide attempts. I plan to keep it that way, but I don't know what should I do if I got exposed on social media or something.

As for the haters, your situation is no worse than the situation gay people were in 50 years ago, and not much worse than the situation that trans people are in now. Just ignore them.

I know. I'm a bisexual trans girl myself. I also feel depressed when bigots call all LGBT folks, especially trans people, groomers or child molesters. It hurts me personally because I am the vivid incarnation of all their stigma and I hate myself for it.

 

[Forever Sleep]

I feel so bad for you. Like you say, we can't help what we are drawn to completely, we can only control our actions but, I can imagine the kind of torment you must go through.

It's not really the same but, I've always gone for older guys and I've had crushes on married men in the past. Not that I'd ever act on it. Not that it would make any difference if I did! I'm not attractive. I still used to feel so guilty about it though. I know it isn't the same. Not like all of society would be up in arms but, it still felt like this awful secret to me. I had a semi- religious but extremely moral upbringing.

I do really commend you for doing all you can to ensure you remain safe. I don't think there are many worse crimes than hurting a child but I do feel genuinely sorry for people who have those desires.

 

[Linda]

Tried to. Didn't work at all. My former psychiatrist even suggested conversion therapy. Sometimes I think about it, then I remember those things don't work and only leave their "patients" more scarred.

Other psychiatrist however told me the same stuff I've been hearing: as long as I don't act on those urges there's nothing "wrong" with having these desires. I don't creep on kids in public and in fact I can actually form healthy friendships with some of them. My urges only arise in my private time and even then I have my limits: I only resort to lolicon art and a body pillow of my favorite 2D little girl character (both of which are legal in my country as they don't harm real minors).

Tried to see the bigger picture too: being a pedophile is a part of me, but not my whole self. I have other normal hobbies like gaming and art, gonna return my studies too. The thing is, I'm too scared and paranoid. Almost no one from my inner circle knows about my pedophilia and the few who know are the ones who were present during my many suicide attempts. I plan to keep it that way, but I don't know what should I do if I got exposed on social media or something.

I know. I'm a bisexual trans girl myself. I also feel depressed when bigots call all LGBT folks, especially trans people, groomers or child molesters. It hurts me personally because I am the vivid incarnation of all their stigma and I hate myself for it.

Therapy probably won't change anything. Accept yourself as you are, and get on with your life. Don't hate yourself.
This isn't something that warrants catching the bus.

 

[CynicalCyanide]

I dont know how it is what you are going through but I can understand that its really really tough. I have respect for you for the fact that you are willing to admit and even sought help for this. Im sorry for your struggle and wish you the best

 

[EvisceratedJester]

Shit like this is why I hate it when people use the term pedophile to refer to those who have committed CSA. Being a child predator =/= pedophilia, and many of those who commit such acts don't even suffer from pedophilia. I'm sorry that the stigma surrounding your disorder has led you to this point. People should have enough brain cells to be able to understand that you shouldn't judge others by what they can't control, only by what they can control. I have noticed an increasing amount of people acknowledging this fact and pointing out that people with this disorder don't deserve to be judged for it and that we should be trying help them, but sadly you still gave assholes who care more about sounding morally superior over actually taking time to think about this issue more deeply. You shouldn't feel like you deserve to die just because other people suck. I'm sorry that you have to deal with this.

 

[anonymouswebuser]

First I wanna clarify the obvious: I haven't hurt anyone nor I plan to. I know what consent is and I'm against abuse of any kind. I'm not a criminal, but I guess that doesn't matter if everyone in society views me and my brethren as demons...

I am a pedophile.

I was born with this unusual and terrible paraphilic disorder, and it's the main cause of my depression. I'll spare the details giving this is a delicate topic, but as I said, I haven't offended. I'm not capable of doing such atrocities because of my values as a person. I learned to accept it and canalize my urges in inoffensive, legal ways. I searched for help and found some places where I can fully vent myself about this. Learned some healthy coping strategies along the way.

But that doesn't make my life less painful. Being compared with absolute monsters and dehumanized on a daily basis just for having a disorder I didn't ask to be born with. I hate myself and tried to ctb many times because of the justified stigma against people like me. Even if I control myself and can be a mostly functional adult and a law-abiding citizen, society will always demonize me and other non-offenders. No one wants a creep like me in this world and it makes me depressed.

I bet even some people here would want me beaten to death and I get them. I fully empathize with CSA victims and if my sacrifice means something to them, then I'll do it. Or I would, but I'm such a coward for even trying another suicide attempt and I wouldn't want my loved ones to suffer from my loss. At least, not yet. Eventually I will not stand it any longer and death will come to my doorstep. It's what I deserve. And I rather die painfully than hurt a child.

you seem to be carrying a lot of pain and I can't imagine how difficult it must be to live with a such a disorder in today's society

but you seem to be deeply considerate and self-aware most people in your position might not have the strength or will to resist such thoughts but you've chosen to resist them for the sake of others and in this case others who are vulnerable such as children

there are many cases of people who give in to harmful impulses similar to yours yet you've chosen responsibility and restraint which really says a lot. you're not a terrible person
in fact from what you've shared you come across as someone genuinely kind and thoughtful

having a disorder doesn't make someone horrible automatically it's how they respond to it that makes a difference
just as not all sociopaths are criminals not everyone with disturbing thoughts acts on them. intrusive & unwanted thoughts are part of many psychological disorders that's what makes them disorders in the first place

what separates you from someone who does harm with the same disorder or worse is that you actively choose not to

i hope this clears up your perspective on yourself.

 

[catfriend]

lots of good responses in this thread, so i just want to say that i empathize. you're not a monster; you didn't choose this, and you clearly know what's at stake.

plenty of people with paraphilias -- including yours -- can go on to live ordinary lives. they manage it, just as they do with any other ailment.

whatever you end up doing, i hope you find peace. :)

 

[Namelesa]

OMG I totally understand as another bisexual trans girl who is suffering with pedophillic thoughts and attractions myself. I hated that I had these thoughts that so many people would judge me for even if I did nothing actually wrong and knew I wouldn't act them on any actual real people. I feel like I needed to hate myself for it if others hated me too. Being the trans woman stigma is also feel so much more terrible for me cus it kinda causes internalized transphobia for me.

Tho as others said here, you and me aren't monsters and are people suffering from things out of our control. You are innocent and haven't done anything wrong but its totally understandable if you can't live with this hatred or be able to accept being this way as its very hard to do so. I have only been able to more accept it from talking to others about it here and having comforted me about it. If you want to talk to me about any of this, you can PM.

Also we both have Omori pfps nice

 

[DerezzMyself143]

Appreciate all the responses here. I know everyone has a different opinion and experience with this topic, but I'm really glad I could find some empathy on this vast digital hellhole we call the internet. Gonna seriously consider some of your advices, in fact I'm already doing some internal self-recovery. I just had another depressive episode and felt like I needed to be listened. Maybe, just maybe, I can coexist peacefully with the little ones... That positive thought makes me a little less pesimistic about my future

Also we both have Omori pfps nice

Gotta confess something: the character in my body pillow is Headspace AUBREY TwT