trying to understand gay dating in 2024

[alienfreak]

It bothers me greatly that i think it is impossible for me to find a romantic partner. Recovery to me would require having a path toward trying to solve this. Everything i read makes me think there is no hope. However, my knowledge of dating is extremely limited, so i wonder if other people will have useful ideas, especially since some of the user-base here seems surprisingly similar to me.

About me: early 30s, male, gay. Inexperienced. Timid, shy, anxious disposition. Strange person that does not get along well with the average person. I only want to seek a meaningful long-term relationship.

I think my characteristics make it difficult, but if i could find some other freak somewhat like myself it could work. But i dont know how to find anyone like myself, because the only way i socialise is writing strange posts on a suicide forum.

I can only think of a few methods to potentially solve this.

Method 1: Naturally meeting someone. Very unlikely to work if you're gay and dont have a social lifestyle. I have an extremely unsocial lifestyle and dont have any desire to interact at typical gay communities or bars, etc. If i intentionally put myself in social places that i wouldn't normally go, then i feel that i am being inauthentic and will only be exposed to people that i wont pair well with. Even if i were to intentionally try to be more social, i think it would take 10+ years to find anyone. It's too slow and inefficient.

Method 2: Apps like Grindr. I have no desire to engage in hookup culture. I dont think i could even physically have sex with someone i just met for the first time. So i dont think this will work. I dont even know what i would say to someone if i tried to chat with them on there. I dont know how to talk to people in that situation. I am obsessed with privacy and i know all apps like this are an unmitigated horror when it comes to that.

Method 3: other apps or websites that are intended for relationships rather than hookups. These must exist, right? I think they must exist but they seem like a myth. What even are they? Everything i find seems to only be for casual hookups in practice.

Am i missing anything obvious or am i delusional in some way? I feel like i dont understand any of this stuff or how it is meant to work. It all seems twisted and counterintuitive.

Part of me feels like i should just install Grindr and maybe i avoid it only because of fear. But i really do feel like it will go very badly, there is genuine risk to using it and it may be a mistake.

 

[Rudi]

Method 1, try it, it's so worth it.

I'm pretty unsocial myself, I hate interacting, saying hello to someone feels like too much stress to the point where I started nodding as a greeting.

BUT from own experiences I can say it does take quite a while til you find someone you feel really comfortable with when randomly deciding to socialise. We tend to think about what others think quite a lot and I believe people may find that unattractive sometimes. It's what I personally noticed.
If you keep socialising very randomly you may just find someone who's really happy that you decided to do so. Who knows? Maybe some people, who don't even know you, notice you and wish you would talk to them because they're too shy to approach you? That could be a possibility!
It has happened to me a lot, atleast, I met a few people who admitted it themselves lol, and it's a really great feeling!

You just have to try, believe me, you got this!

 

[-Link-]

Method 4: Networking. Tell your family or friends or coworkers or whoever will listen that you're single and looking.

Method 5: LGBTQ support groups. Only attend these if you're interested in engaging them for their intended purpose. Let friendships and acquaintanceships develop naturally, and this could create additional networking options or possibly lead to a romantic connection directly. But don't be "that guy" with other attendees; participate in the group for its intended purpose, and if anything's going to develop, let it happen naturally.

Method 6: Niche websites with online communities. Usually these communities would have some way of identifying sexual orientation of other members who want to share it. May require a time investment to become involved in the community, or long-distance travel if the people you connect with aren't local. The topic of the site needs to be interesting enough to you that you can get involved with it for its own sake, and make your partner search secondary to that. Also has the benefit of a built-in mutual interest.

Method 7: This forum. Technically a niche website as well, but its unique nature distinguishes it from all other online communities. Should probably be regarded as a last resort. Tread with extreme caution.

 

[N7_Alliance_Marine]

It's significantly easier for lesbo's to find a girlfriend than a gay can find a boyfriend. It's worth a shot to try Grindr, there could be some dudes who don't want to engage in primitive hook-up culture and instead want a relationship.

 

[bitofftoomuch]

Am i missing anything obvious or am i delusional in some way? I feel like i dont understand any of this stuff or how it is meant to work. It all seems twisted and counterintuitive.

I think what you're missing is that it's actually normal to find it all twisted, counterintuitive, and straight up mysterious and confusing. That's how everyone entering the dating pool feels. If you want a relationship, it's about pushing through that and leaving your comfort zone. You're not weird or a failure for finding it uncomfortable! We have to embrace a bit of that in order to meet people.

A lot of people who are going to gay bars don't like gay bars and are just hoping to meet someone. Yes, some of them genuinely see the bar as its own endgame but I think you'd be surprised how many of them are awaiting the day they meet someone and can stop going out. It's also similar on dating apps and anywhere else really. Everyone is putting on a social performance, and you really have to just try getting to know folks. Don't assume they're so different from you.

I'm a trans lesbian who was friendless from ages 3-19, then again from 22-25. So in no way have I ever felt like a socially gifted person. At 25 I moved to a new city and started forcing myself to go to gay bars and random events. I started befriending whoever I felt safe around, even if they didn't seem "my type" because sometimes the first friends you make introduce you to the people who are actually meant to stay in your life. I chose to put on a brave face which was tiring and something I constantly doubted but I do not regret it. In just six months, I found my way into a relationship; another three months and I made a friend who is to this day my bestie.

Go to these things. There are people like you who are going to these things. They probably won't be the first people you meet but they are there, and when you meet them you will thank yourself for every hour you poured into this. (I think it will be a lot shorter than "10 years" btw) I will add the addendum that you should go at a pace that is healthy and sustainable for you. Much like a good workout, the key is to push just slightly past your comfort zone again and again. And in my experience it helps to always hype yourself up for the progress you're making, however small it may seem!