Hi all,
A lot of weird things have happened in the past year; it's been traumatic and painful to go through all of this.
I feel numb and a bit speechless right now regarding life and everything that I've tried to proccess and what I've gone through as of late. I made some small ideas and plans for how to try and recover again during these past couple weeks. I scheduled a cosmetic surgery consultation for tomorrow so that I can hopefully look the way that I used to before I ended up in a wheelchair for a while and before my failed pregnancies. I don't know if that will make me feel any better, I don't really know what else to do or try to feel better. I'm so numb that I don't feel anything, but I'm hoping that this might make me feel some kind of optimism and hope for life eventually after the surgery.
As for my ex/father of the pregnancies/good friend, it seems like he's really gone mentally or/and that he's chosen to isolate himself fully and to reject everyone in his life in order to be with his abuser. It's somewhat confusing to me and I can't make full sense of it all. He won't answer any questions anymore or explain what's going on so I have no answers to anything really. I'm just watching him deteriorate a lot and it does hurt that he doesn't want to improve or get any help. I feel like I've had a lot of closure over the situation in the past week simply because I started to realise how he might be gone mentally/a lost cause at this point because the situation seems a lot worse than I originally thought it was. It makes me sad, but there's nothing more than I can do to try and help. I also think that I've realised this past week that he might have a thing for kids which makes me feel less bad about the failed pregnancies situations and I now feel a bit of relief that we didn't have any kids togheter, because it's freaking me out to think about this. I realised that this also would explain why he's with his abuser, because he told me a few times that she is into children and that sort of stuff and how she pushes that in bed with him. Just feeling disturbed with the whole thing, but it also made me lose a lot of my feelings and care for him now, if he truly is that way, which a lot of facts seem to point towards sadly. Feels like he's not the person I thought he was.
I'm not sure what my new life goal/purpose should be. This surgery is a good goal for now, but after that, I don't really know what else to do. Everything feels and seems pointless. But I'm trying my best to find some sort of new life spirit or hope. I've achieved and done a lot already, more than most people my age, but I still feel nothing and I never felt anything but depression and suicidal during all those achievements. Kind of feels like I'm just doing stuff for the sake of trying to pass time until I one day randomly pass away.
A lot of weird things have happened in the past year; it's been traumatic and painful to go through all of this.
I feel numb and a bit speechless right now regarding life and everything that I've tried to proccess and what I've gone through as of late. I made some small ideas and plans for how to try and recover again during these past couple weeks. I scheduled a cosmetic surgery consultation for tomorrow so that I can hopefully look the way that I used to before I ended up in a wheelchair for a while and before my failed pregnancies. I don't know if that will make me feel any better, I don't really know what else to do or try to feel better. I'm so numb that I don't feel anything, but I'm hoping that this might make me feel some kind of optimism and hope for life eventually after the surgery.
As for my ex/father of the pregnancies/good friend, it seems like he's really gone mentally or/and that he's chosen to isolate himself fully and to reject everyone in his life in order to be with his abuser. It's somewhat confusing to me and I can't make full sense of it all. He won't answer any questions anymore or explain what's going on so I have no answers to anything really. I'm just watching him deteriorate a lot and it does hurt that he doesn't want to improve or get any help. I feel like I've had a lot of closure over the situation in the past week simply because I started to realise how he might be gone mentally/a lost cause at this point because the situation seems a lot worse than I originally thought it was. It makes me sad, but there's nothing more than I can do to try and help. I also think that I've realised this past week that he might have a thing for kids which makes me feel less bad about the failed pregnancies situations and I now feel a bit of relief that we didn't have any kids togheter, because it's freaking me out to think about this. I realised that this also would explain why he's with his abuser, because he told me a few times that she is into children and that sort of stuff and how she pushes that in bed with him. Just feeling disturbed with the whole thing, but it also made me lose a lot of my feelings and care for him now, if he truly is that way, which a lot of facts seem to point towards sadly. Feels like he's not the person I thought he was.
I'm not sure what my new life goal/purpose should be. This surgery is a good goal for now, but after that, I don't really know what else to do. Everything feels and seems pointless. But I'm trying my best to find some sort of new life spirit or hope. I've achieved and done a lot already, more than most people my age, but I still feel nothing and I never felt anything but depression and suicidal during all those achievements. Kind of feels like I'm just doing stuff for the sake of trying to pass time until I one day randomly pass away.
