Help Trying to hold on a bit longer? (not a recovery thread)

[LogicalConclusion]

I'm really struggling with occupying my time lately because I just feel so depressed and bored. Like nothing has meaning, I know I'm not going to be here much longer, why try to do anything? Every small goal I achieve brings a moment of...not happiness, but just accomplishment of some sort, but that fades so quickly and then I get depressed because there's no end to the goals. Idk if I'm even making sense...Haven't set a date yet but was thinking sometime next month just so I can pay some things off and pay my rent for the month before I go to give my friend time to take care of my stuff if he wants/is able. It's just...how do I even occupy myself until I'm really ready? I don't want to just act impulsively, have been trying to plan things as best I can, make notes, finalize details. It's just so hard to hold on and I feel like everything is pointless. I know I'm not the only one who feels this way. For those who have figured out something that helps them, what is it that helps you hold on?

 

[throwaway123]

Fear of failure the next time I try to CTB is what keeps me here.

 

[Volatile]

Same here, especially about the goals.

 

[LogicalConclusion]

The only thing I can think is doing the exact opposite of what I feel like doing: make those goals. Eg. Finish the major questlines in my MMO, finish my course on Duolingo. But I also don't want to keep suffering so idk

 

[PatKat]

I'm really struggling with occupying my time lately because I just feel so depressed and bored. Like nothing has meaning, I know I'm not going to be here much longer, why try to do anything? Every small goal I achieve brings a moment of...not happiness, but just accomplishment of some sort, but that fades so quickly and then I get depressed because there's no end to the goals. Idk if I'm even making sense...Haven't set a date yet but was thinking sometime next month just so I can pay some things off and pay my rent for the month before I go to give my friend time to take care of my stuff if he wants/is able. It's just...how do I even occupy myself until I'm really ready? I don't want to just act impulsively, have been trying to plan things as best I can, make notes, finalize details. It's just so hard to hold on and I feel like everything is pointless. I know I'm not the only one who feels this way. For those who have figured out something that helps them, what is it that helps you hold on?

What keeps me hanging on is myself. I know I am stronger than this, I was a soldier, I was taught to just keep pushing, and trying.

Recently journaling, and knowing that within 3 months I will be able to get back on medications, and schedule my ECT to start has kept me hanging on. It is not easy at all... I fight the thoughts everyday. I want to be able to leave home, I want to be able to have friends, I just dont want to feel this way anymore. It's not that I want to die, it just seems like the only way to not feel like this currently.

 

[Weems]

I am in a similar place. I've gotten through the anguish of deciding to CTB but it's not time yet. In 12 days I fly to go live with my dad. It will be harder then but still, I'm not killing myself 3,000 miles from my family. I want to see them again. Right now what's hard is doing anything at all. I need to clean up my place before moveout but I'm just binging on junk food and dicking around online all day.

I guess what keeps me going is the prospect of a little peace before I die. Away from my shit job, in a comfy middle class house, with enough $ in my account to order N.

I don't know how I'm gonna pull it off living with a concerned parent, but one can dream. I don't see any future but I'm not killing myself before I go out there. So that's what I look forward to now. A little peace at my dad's house.