Trying to grasp at something that cannot be grasp

[EvisceratedJester]

I'll probably delete this after I've sobered up.

I decided that it would be interesting to try sitting through my lecture while high on shrooms, lol. I'm taking evolutionary biology. It interesting because the normal filter I would have had when engaging with that lecture wasn't there anymore. It's hard to describe.

Sitting there, made me realize something that I cannot describe. I have certain thoughts that cannot be articulated through language because they are too abstract and hard to define. It's like my brain trying to find something it can latch onto in order to describe it and make sense of something so abstract that it's hard to understand. Maybe I just don't knowledge needed in to fully understand them yet. That's fine. I'll just have to take my time and learn and grow and eventually I'll make sense of them.

The world is big and I know so little of it. I don't even fully understand myself yet, but I'm getting there. I hope that by learning to understand myself, I better learn to understand the human thought process altogether.

I'm just saying a bunch of nonsense. I'm tripping quite a but, as you can tell. I just needed somewhere to vent for a bit. Somewhere to let my nonsensical abstract thoughts roam free for a bit.
All the ways I make sense of my thoughts and make sense of the world around, from my daydreams, to the language I speak, to conversations I have with myself, are all just my brain trying to make sense of the way it works. It's hard to describe. I attach myself to abrasct concepts as a way to try and articulate and cope with....

I am just a bundle of cells. I'm a bundle of cells trying to grasp and make Sense of the world around me. My thoughts are complex, because of years of evolution. My self is an illusion. Self perception is just an of social perception. We only see ourselves through the lens of others. Organism, social organisms, capable of complex thought are the only ones capable of passing the mirror test. They are the only ones capable of having a self...

There's something I can't make sense of. My thoughts keep on grasping, I want answers, but I don't have the knowledge needed to connect the threads.
People talk about wanting to learn more and I understand that. Humans are naturally curious creatures. Some people find a place, mentally, where they feel comfortable and I understand that. I feel like some people want more knowledge but they go on about it the wrong way. They feel hopeless, they like its all futile. Some people only want knowledge, but not for sake of progression and helping others. They only want it for selfish reasons. I don't want to he that person. I want to strive for something better than that. The world is mess and I cannot fix that. All I can do is keep on moving forward and try to find happiness in spite of it.
I'm such a mess right now, lol
I hope sober me reads all of this.

 

[Tesha]

 

[EvisceratedJester]

Yeah, basically
None of my thoughts are ever really profound or insightful, but that's fine. True insight only comes from being able to reflect on the things around you. Being able to slowly and meticulously picture apart everything so that you can truly understand its inner workings.
I want to learn, so I need to do it my own unique way that works with how my brain functions. I don't think my mom likes it when I start questioning things too deeply.
I wonder if I should just pursue a career in psychology. I really like learning about the human mind and how it works. I like dissecting our behaviours and I like thinking about how we perceive and make sense of all of information thrown at us on a daily basis.
I think there's somethings beautiful about that
I want to better understand the human mind and, by extension, the world around us so that I can appreciate it.
I feel so happy right now that it's bringing me to tears. It's so intense, lol. For so long I felt miserable, it feels so good to feel happy.
I'm not the most likeable person, I understand that. That's fine. Before, that would have made cry, because I saw my value as a person as being defined by others. I don't care anymore. My own value can only be defined by myself because I'm the only one capable of truly learning and understanding the complex being that is me.
I really like the song Heart to Hearts by Enjoy. It's my favourite song. There's something about it that speaks to me. I've formed a strong emotional bond to it. I wonder what was going through his head while writing it. The song feels slightly out of place on the album.

The lyrics feel oddly depressing, which makes the song feel out of place on an album that's filled with so much joy and love.
You can read them here:

Enjoy – Heart to Hearts

Yeah / So so so / So give me a shot and I'll screw it up / Just one free pass, I haven't had enough / Take what I have and I push it away / Just fuck it man, tomorrow's a new day

genius.com

Maybe it's just me. Maybe I'm just projecting my own emotions onto it. Maybe the song was never meant to be depressing. Idk. Only Wyatt can answer that.

 

[EvisceratedJester]

People who are smart don't tell others that they are smart. They don't see themselves as above others. They understand that they just as clueless as the next person. They understand that everyone is trying to make sense of the chaotic world around us. They appreciate the diversity in human thought. They may feel frustrated with our species at times, but they understand that comes from a place of fear and hurt.

I think a lot of people like to talk about how smart they are, but most of them aren't as smart as they think they are. We are all just a bunch of clueless apes on this large rock we call Earth.
This is a really a productive trip, lol. I hope that I'm able to think even more deeply after this

 

[LaVieEnRose]

Evolutionary biology is quite the class to attend when high on shrooms!

 

[EvisceratedJester]

Evolutionary biology is quite the class to attend when high on shrooms!

Ikr.

Honestly, it's a pretty great experience.

 

[LaVieEnRose]

People who are smart don't tell others that they are smart. They don't see themselves as above others. They understand that they just as clueless as the next person. They understand that everyone is trying to make sense of the chaotic world around us. They appreciate the diversity in human thought. They may feel frustrated with our species at times, but they understand that comes from a place of fear and hurt.

I think a lot of people like to talk about how smart they are, but most of them aren't as smart as they think they are. We are all just a bunch of clueless apes on this large rock we call Earth.
This is a really a productive trip, lol. I hope that I'm able to think even more deeply after this

If they had that effect on you and led to those epiphanies, then perhaps a certain other user should go off a bon voyage.

 

[EvisceratedJester]

If they had that effect on you and led to those epiphanies, then perhaps a certain other user should go off a bon voyage.

God, this thread is just filled with my pure nonsense lol

 

[Throwawayacc3]

God, this thread is just filled with my pure nonsense lol

I read your initial post and my photographic memory launched me back to the natural history museum here (UK) and New York.

I don't do drugs or anything (closest I had was morphine under the tongue when I had cancer - tasted like crap). What do the mushrooms do to you exactly?

 

[Havnis]

I totally relate too, electric and magnetic field as well as complex analysis were very dull and too abstract to understand in my case. But I overcame those hardships.

 

[EvisceratedJester]

I read your initial post and my photographic memory launched me back to the natural history museum here (UK) and New York.

I don't do drugs or anything (closest I had was morphine under the tongue when I had cancer - tasted like crap). What do the mushrooms do to you exactly?

They taste horrible. Honestly, just think about it makes me want to puke.

 

[EvisceratedJester]

I'm not sure how I feel right now. I went to the school today to check up on some stuff and was a bit anxious at first. So far, everything seems to be fine though.

I feel like I've been thinking a lot about my unlikeability lately. I must sound a bit like a broken record at this point. I think part of why I keep thinking about this so much is because of its connection with my other flaws. I'm a very argumentative person, I'm stubborn, I'm dumb, I'm not articulate, I'm a bitch, and those traits of mine seem to be seeping out more and more as of late (at least on here). I know I need to work on getting rid of these traits, or at least try to dial them down a bit, but I always get carried away in the heat of the moment and allow them to rear their ugly heads. I wonder why I'm like this. I'll probably end up trying to reflect on this a bit more during my next shrooms trip. I find that my introspection is much better when I'm tripping, probably because psilocybin causes the barrier between the conscious and subconscious mind to fall and allows for those two parts of the brain to communicate with each other. Introspection is good but it comes with a lot of limitations and our inability to access our unconscious mind is one of them, so I guess those drugs might help in that regard.

You know, in one of my psych classes we talked about the "I" Self. There is the "Me" Self and the "I" Self. The I self refers to you as a subject while the me self refers to you as an object. Those feelings you have right now, as someone who is a separate entity from your environment, those feelings you have, the thoughts currently going through your head, and the sensations you are experiencing at this very moment are a part of your I self. Your me self refers to what comes up when you reflect or think about yourself. Your memories, self-concept, self-esteem, and prospects make up this part of yourself. I'm probably wrong. I'm not very smart and I have poor abstract thinking skills, so take my explanation of this concept with a grain of salt.

Sometimes, certain things can poke holes through your I self, leading to things either being claimed as part of one's self, such as in the case of the rubber hand illusion, or your sense of self-becoming incorporated into the environment, such as when you tripping on psychedelics. Despite this loss of self, people usually report feeling happy. I've found that I usually feel happier when I'm slightly disconnected from myself, like when I am tripping. The feeling of my sense of self, of me as an entity existing completely separated from my environment, dissolving a bit makes me feel free. I wish I could always feel that way. I understand that the barrier between me and my environment exists for a reason, but a part of me hates it. I guess this could be interpreted as being, at least in part, due to my own self-hatred, idk.

I feel like I'm slowly regressing into my old shitty ways. I know that progress isn't linear and that it involves a lot of back and forths but I can't help but kind of hate myself for it. I know I shouldn't ruminate. Ruminating just fucks you over, but I can't help it sometimes.

My empathy is low (especially my affective empathy), I can't seem to connect too deeply with my emotions, I have trouble socializing, I can't make friends because I know that I'll become too paranoid about them secretly hating me and wanting to abandon me, I've got no talents, no skills, no brains, no looks, nothing. Honestly, it's pathetic, lol. I don't feel sad right now. Maybe neutral? Idk.

I'm regressing back a bit but that's fine. That's normal. I recognize that, and that's good because that means I can try and work against it. It's hard sometimes, but sadly most things in life are hard. I'll just have to work a bit harder if I want to go against the current and keep on trying to swim upstream.

Maybe self isn't a product of evolution but is just a byproduct of other evolutionary adaptations, similar to our sense of musicality? It stayed with us because it benefitted us after the fact, similar to ow we never specifically evolved to like music. It's just a byproduct of other evolutionary adaptations, such as our love for patterns. It stayed with us, however, partly due to it being unintentally useful, like in creating stronger social bonds and providing us with pleasure. Maybe our sense of self came about similarly because of other things, like our ability for complex thinking. Maybe it's just a beneficial side effect, rather than an evolutionary adaptation, which would explain why, while it benefits us, we also tend to feel good when are able to let loom of it. Or maybe I'm just an idiotic 21-year-old just rambling about a bunch of nonsense, lol.