nikdiedtoday
Member
- Sep 26, 2022
- 5
hi. im sick so thats great still can't call out which i guess is for my bank accounts own good. also today is pay friday which always depresses me. im always feeling so close but so far no matter how much shit i get done theres always something getting pushed back. still craving a bus trip but i can't get over the thought i would have failed at protecting her from the infection of mental illness, from the world. part of me feels its so close to being too late. i cant stop looking at her and wondering if she'll even remember me when im gone. my chest aches when i think of her and then think of ctb. other part of me thinks / knows everyone would be better off without me. ive started writing "my story'' / manifesto lmao its not a manifesto more just me trying to remember my trauma and childhood and remember who tf i even am. or what made me how i am or if i was just bound to be fucked. i think its a mix. i feel everyone in my life finds it to be dramatic when i mention it but i can feel my brain slipping away from me everyday. its what i imagine early dementia feels like i hate to say that tho cuz i don't have dementia but idk how else to describe it. maybe its just like brain damage or something. i find myself crying alot just over knowing im not me anymore and theres no way to stop it. it feels like i can like feel my brain firing off incorrectly. like pressure in my throat and head is how it starts and then the tears that feel emotionless yet all emotions at once. i want my life back i want to fight for my life back but something in me tells me my efforts are pointless. anyway. as crazy as she is i miss my mom alot lately.
talk soon talk soon <3
talk soon talk soon <3
