Trying to get over guilt

[Detour]

What's been stopping me from ctb is the thought of the pain my family will go through. But recently I've been feeling less guilty about it and a little bit more courage to go through with it. I have a plan to leave only my family members goodbye notes that'll be pages long for each person completely ridding them of any fault and me telling them how much I love them.

 

[SuicidalSymphonies]

This is my issue as well, but all my life I've sacrificed for others. Now that I am thinking of myself, it's to end my life..

 

[Detour]

This is my issue as well, but all my life I've sacrificed for others. Now that I am thinking of myself, it's to end my life..

the thought of ctb brings me peace and happiness in a weird unexplainable way. I'm happy for the good memories I've had but the bad traumatic memories outweighs the good which is making my life almost unbearable at this point. So at least I get to choose the way I get out. And I'm really curious about what's on the other side.

 

[Fragile]

i feel the same, the guilt that i have over this is just heartbreaking.

right now i'm trying to distance myself from them and postpone it for as long as i can, just while i wait for them to get some stability in their lives, then i'm also planing to write very detailed notes that give some closure and absolve them from any guilt, maybe also get them to feel some empathy towards my decision.

but i know that in reality, there is little to nothing that i can do to soften the blow of my suicide, my family will suffer greatly from it and i can't do much about it. if only i could die without others getting affected by it, i would have done it years ago if this was the case.

 

[LogicalThinker-527]

that's exactly who i feel.
couple months ago i was the closest to death i can ever be, i picked a date, bought a helium tank with all the tools needed, SOLD almost all my belongings and for 2 months i woke up knowing that these two months are my last two months on earth, it got very serious a week before the date when i'd do something i know for fact that this is the last time i'd be doing this (like grocery shopping, i remember couple days before the date when i knew that was the last time i'd be buying groceries). it got very real, my family were contacting me and i was ignoring them (trying to keep a distance from them to have them less-hurt).
Couple days before the date my family were contacting me in all my social media sites and friends of mine were reaching out because my family reached out to them and i broke down of guilt and decided to postpone my ctb. it's a weird feeling, i feel like in an alternative universe i actually did ctb because of how convinced and close to death i was, there was no doubt in mind that i'd live to see this day but here i'm.

 

[Return2Dust]

I've been postponing my ctb date out of guilt. How will it impact everyone else? After spending time with the family I feel guilty about, I realized they'll "hurt" but be ok in the long run. I've been the family scapegoat my whole life. They'll remind everyone I was crazy, cry in front of friends for sympathy, then go on about their business. There will be no mention of my depression, physical illness or the fact that I'm slipping into early-onset AD (in my 40's). No mention of my suffering - only that I was selfish to leave them. If ctb is selfish, then I'm going to put myself first for a change and go out while I'm not a burden.

 

[reapandsow918]

So you guys distant yourselves to help get over the guilt? That's a good idea

 

[Dear Flabby]

I wronged someone terribly, and there is no way that I can make amends to them.

They have clearly stated that.

This is my own way of atoning, not based on any doctrine, etc. It's not virtue-signalling.
I walk alone. There's no ego to inflate.
I've been in the same shelters, detox's, and wards as these people have. Here's what I do:

As I go about my day-to-day life, when I find people that appear to be hungry, need cigarettes, coffee, a ride, whatever, I help them out with food, smokes, and so on.

I can't change what happened in the past, but I can make someone's day a bit less harsh.

The awful thing is that these desperate hungry, tired and cold people are so numerous.

Imagine if my odd "hey, can I help you with anything today?" was impossible because we lived in a humane world?

This has quelled my guilt. It is selfish.
It also prevents me from dying impulsively.

That is all I can say.

 

[Plainjane]

Yes i will feel guilty towards my family members, i saw this quote today "to the world you may just be one person, but to one person you maybe the world". I'm conflicted.

 

[enjoy]

i feel guilty about my family and friends losing me. when i was ready to ctb in january my best friend almost called the police. i'm in recovery now.