Trying To Get Better (Oops! I made it too long)

[cookiedough]

It's been a while since I've posted on here. My goodness. My only activity on here was looking around at SN guide forums. I got my hands on SN and meto. I already have the ibuprofen. I'm missing other helpful things like the antacids and the stuff to calm your heart rate. I still yearn for death each and every day. But I also yearn for my life to get better. I want to know what happiness feels like. I'm currently jobless, but I started seeing a therapist. My parents are paying for it until I can get back on my feet.

Here is how everything normally is for me:

I hate myself with a passion.​

I can't let go of my failures.​

My mind is shattered into a million pieces to where no thoughts are ever cohesive.​

I always have panic attacks and they cause me to frequently lose consciousness (which is what cost me my job).​

My behavior is erratic, self destructive, and impulsive.​

Depressed as hell.​

Suicidal.​

I sometimes have what might be hallucinations sometimes, but it may just be my imagination. If I'm imagining it, then it's not really of importance.​

I depend on food and alcohol to make me feel better to the point where I'm almost 300lbs.​

So, I could sum all of that up as typical clinical depression and anxiety. My therapy started and my prescription dose of Lexapro has doubled. I'm not feeling as hopeless. I don't know if that is the therapy exercises or the meds starting to kick in. I still get these panic attacks. I can't tell my therapist that I'm suicidal or I'll risk going to the psych ward. I'm slowly learning to set myself free of my past mistakes and to let myself have a clean slate. I still have panic attacks. I'm a lot calmer now than I was a few months ago. I'm still depressed and want to die. I'm still using junk food as a crutch, but I'm no longer drinking. I'm also looking for a job again.

I will still keep the SN and meto in case I ever change my mind. But I don't want to change my mind. I want to get out of this darkness that I'm in. I know it will take a lot of work, so I'm doing every single assignment that the therapist tells me to do. I want to work, save up money, and go back to school. I want to learn how to be a better and more productive person. It's just coming so so slow. Trying to recover and climb is the hardest thing ever. I'll always have it in the very back of my mind that I can ctb with my SN whenever the pain becomes too much to live through. But, I will try my very best to get through it all and to get better.

​

 

[LittleJem]

Hope you don't mind me asking, but have you ruled out Bipolar? Lots of people misdiagnosed
Everyone is always telling me I have it, but I don't think I do

 

[WingedFallen]

I can relate to a lot of this. Other than the panic attacks and the maybe hallucinations I almost could have written your list of problems, though I'm currently OVER 300 pounds, the heaviest I've been in my life. It really heartens me this morning to hear how you're finding some hope. Remember that to move a mountain you must begin by carrying away small stones. Progress WILL be slow, but that doesn't mean that it won't happen. I think you can do this! I hope I can too.

Also, your therapist sounds great. Stick with them.

 

[Sensei]

So, I could sum all of that up as typical clinical depression and anxiety. My therapy started and my prescription dose of Lexapro has doubled. I'm not feeling as hopeless. I don't know if that is the therapy exercises or the meds starting to kick in. I still get these panic attacks. I can't tell my therapist that I'm suicidal or I'll risk going to the psych ward. I'm slowly learning to set myself free of my past mistakes and to let myself have a clean slate. I still have panic attacks. I'm a lot calmer now than I was a few months ago. I'm still depressed and want to die. I'm still using junk food as a crutch, but I'm no longer drinking. I'm also looking for a job again.

I think this is the most important part of your post. There are many people who have treatment resistant depressions, but you seem to have been saved from that ordeal. Therapy and/or medicines work for you, and that means you have an opening and can get back on your feet again, although it won't be easy and it will take time. This may sound like a strange thing to say, but it's probably good that you have acquired the means to check out, because it may be a comfort for you to know that you could end it if you wanted to. Good luck, buddy. I'm sure you will make it through.

Hope you don't mind me asking, but have you ruled out Bipolar? Lots of people misdiagnosed

Could be. Antidepressants often have little to no or adverse effects if you are bipolar, though. cookiedough, if you suddenly start feeling unusually optimistic and energetic and only sleep a few hours a night, it's important that you inform your therapist about it.

 

[cookiedough]

Hope you don't mind me asking, but have you ruled out Bipolar? Lots of people misdiagnosed
Everyone is always telling me I have it, but I don't think I do

I don't know too much about bipolar. I've only been diagnosed with clinical depression and anxiety. I just go with whatever the professionals tell me.

I think this is the most important part of your post. There are many people who have treatment resistant depressions, but you seem to have been saved from that ordeal. Therapy and/or medicines work for you, and that means you have an opening and can get back on your feet again, although it won't be easy and it will take time. This may sound like a strange thing to say, but it's probably good that you have acquired the means to check out, because it may be a comfort for you to know that you could end it if you wanted to. Good luck, buddy. I'm sure you will make it through.


Could be. Antidepressants often have little to no or adverse effects if you are bipolar, though. cookiedough, if you suddenly start feeling unusually optimistic and energetic and only sleep a few hours a night, it's important that you inform your therapist about it.

Yes I hope it starts working really really good because I hate being dependent on too many pills. Lexapro is one of those meds that takes weeks to take full effect. I used to be on 10mg, but it stopped working the way it used to. That's why it was bumped to 20mg. It's been about 3 weeks now. I just had a panic attack today. My mother is demanding that I talk to my primary doctor tomorrow about getting some more medicine.

I'll be sure to keep that sudden energeticness in mind. I've only ever had that happened to me a couple of times. That was a LONG LONG time ago though.

 

[Lotus]

I feel for your pain. It's difficult to go through each day like this. I don't know your exact situation, but I can relate to many of the things you describe. I am though genuinely happy for you to be able to feel some kind of longing to get better. That alone doesn't change how you're mental state is, but it is something. I understand that you want to keep your SN and meto if it would be necessary. Just be careful of impulsiveness.

I really wish you the best, and I hope that this is the first step to your recovery and achieving the goals that you have set. I'm also happy that your parents are supporting you with paying for your sessions when you're not able to.