trying to find the courage

[ilk]

what does it take to do it? like some days i feel ready enough to do it but never do. its annoying. a part of me want to accept that this is my life & it/i cant change but the other part of me wants to ctb already. this is so miserable i cant even put into words how much i hate myself & life. when the day comes for me to ctb i hope it goes well. i don't want to fail. ive failed enough in life i just hope this is the one thing that goes right for me.

 

[Surai]

It can be hard To even sit on the thought for too long, but even then when the time comes I hope I have enough commitement to push myself over the edge. Its a constant battle that you will get used to, its just a matter of time

 

[DeadNotSleeping]

I get this completely. I've always just assumed my issue with following through with it on the days I'm really wanting to are due to like, decision paralysis or something similar since I've struggled with that with most other parts of my life as well.

 

[ilk]

@Surai , @DeadNotSleeping how do you guys feel currently? for me, tonight isnt a night where i feel able to do it but the thought is definitely there still.

 

[Surai]

@ilk I know tonight is not mine either Im just waiting honestly until the pain pushes me. Im just seeing how much I can try before my time. Im just experimenting in life now or so thats my thought and that can change

 

[DeadNotSleeping]

@ilk Same as @Surai at the moment. If I'm totally honest I'm pretty sure I'm going to go against all the advice I've given on here and end up doing it impulsively. I'm not one to set dates for things. I have a method set out and somewhat practiced so it's not fully impulsive. I just figure a night will be bad enough to push me over the edge or I'll feel backed into a corner and follow through. As things go for tonight I feel okay. I'm able to enjoy the music I typically listen to and games are fun. This is a bit of a rarity for me.

I do think the thought is always there though for me. Kinda nagging in the back of my mind. It's whether or not I'm able to distract myself enough from that is the real question most of the time.

Edit: also I appreciate you asking. Thank you

 

[allKae]

Well... maybe it's that "think less, do more" thing, you should only think about things that affect you, it's like cutting yourself, you think about things that affect your feelings and end up transferring cuts to your body.
don't give up because of courage, if you want to have courage, test it first, remember how shitty your life is, remember how they treat you and what they want, maybe we people with depression problems and other types of mental disorders, leave this world society doesn't want us here, tall people don't want us here. they just use us for themselves
good luck with your ctb. I could know which method you will use

 

[FuneralCry]

I certainly understand feeling so tired of suffering in this existence but anyway I wish you the best.

 

[ilk]

Well... maybe it's that "think less, do more" thing, you should only think about things that affect you, it's like cutting yourself, you think about things that affect your feelings and end up transferring cuts to your body.
don't give up because of courage, if you want to have courage, test it first, remember how shitty your life is, remember how they treat you and what they want, maybe we people with depression problems and other types of mental disorders, leave this world society doesn't want us here, tall people don't want us here. they just use us for themselves
good luck with your ctb. I could know which method you will use

that is one way to look at it, thank you. drowning would probably be my method. not the easiest one but i dont have access to any other method.