Venting Trying to find hope makes it worse

[iridescent.darkness]

I have a plan, and a time of what needs to happen before I can finally ctb.
In the mean time, I thought why not try and make the most of it whilst I'm here anyway. However, trying to make friends, have new experiences, find positive outlooks, focus on my health etc all make me feel even more miserable. I'm not opposed to finding hope or a reason to stay alive, maybe it would be nice? But whenever I try and do something that maybe could help me change my mind, it makes me feel worse

Everything just feels futile. I get a bit happy or excited about something and then I crash and wonder why I ever bothered. My happiness/excitement doesn't feel real, it feels like I'm lying to myself. It would be nice to make some memories etc so that when I die I have some things people might look back on and remember fondly of the last few years of me being alive… but I just can't do it. I don't want to spend time with people or spend time doing things because I just want to die. All the time, everything seems pointless because I want to die.

 

[Sourdough]

Unrelated but your username is quite beautiful!

 

[Living_Hurts_so_Much]

Completely understand your feelings here. If it seems to be too good to hope for, it usually is and I just end up right down in as much if not more of a depression

 

[darkcirclesunder]

Definitely, nothing feels truly worth it or exciting anymore once your fall outside of that zone of life. I look forward only to more emptyness.

 

[foreverfalling]

There's no going back, I already know where the journey leads to, everything is a means to an end.

 

[thedaywillcome]

Hope= SI

 

[FuneralCry]

Any kind of hope will usually just lead to more suffering when it's taken away. If there is anything positive being experienced in life then it's just something to lose and cause more pain. Life itself is incredibly pointless and depressing, and the inevitability of suffering in this life makes life completely undesirable. To me, none of it is worth it. I think that it's better to see life for what it really is rather than trying to delude ourselves.

 

[AnxietyHangover]

I can't explain how much I can relate to this, it's scary. It feels like hope is just an illusion. You try to change your ways and do the "right" things and it just comes back biting you in the ass.

 

[iridescent.darkness]

Unrelated but your username is quite beautiful!

thank you very much!

I can't explain how much I can relate to this, it's scary. It feels like hope is just an illusion. You try to change your ways and do the "right" things and it just comes back biting you in the ass.

exactly. every time i try to find a glimmer of hope, ten tonnes of shit comes crashing onto me to remind me there isn't any

 

[imdoneee]

«Do you know what torture by hope is? After despair, calm sets in, but hope can drive you mad.» -Anna Akhmatova

 

[iridescent.darkness]

«Do you know what torture by hope is? After despair, calm sets in, but hope can drive you mad.» -Anna Akhmatova

i love this quote, thank you for sharing it. It's cruel to keep people alive on the mere "it gets better" when for some people, it absolutely does not

 

[imdoneee]

i love this quote, thank you for sharing it. It's cruel to keep people alive on the mere "it gets better" when for some people, it absolutely does not

Yes, and although it may get better, why do other people find it their right to decide wether or not I find the better times worth it? What if I simply just don't value the better days enough to keep living, if I don't believe the good equals the bad in life? Why do people think they're somehow entitled to just decide that my life is worth living?