I think that I'm ready now. The trigger has been not being able to sleep properly anymore, as well as a massive cognitive decline over the past few weeks -- I used to be able to watch Youtube, listen to music, chat online etc., but now my mind just feels vaporized. I think it may be a combination of my illness just getting worse naturally as well as me stupidly turning to benzos to help with sleep/inflammation etc., even though I was basically just trying to manage my symptoms.
I don't think I can live more than a few more days like this. I'm pretty much doing literally nothing all day except staring at a clock, watching time tick by. It's torture.
This is my daily schedule:
1. Wake up at 2/3pm
2. Fast until 10pm and eat first meal
3. Eat again at 1am
4. Eat again at 6am and try to sleep
Ironically, the cognitive decline is making planning or going ahead with any kind of decision basically impossible. As I've mentioned before, I live with my family in a *very* small house with *very* thin walls; my mom has heard me vomiting at night (just as a result of my illness and that's woken her up). I feel worst and most suicidal late at night, so ideally I would want to skip my 1am meal and just do it at like 3am in my own bed when it's cozy at night. But that strikes me as a big risk.
Alternatively, everyone is out except for my mom during the day; she works from home. I know this is really fucked up re: ctbing at home, but she runs a daycare (though the amount of noise etc. this creates has just made my life even more of a nightmare). The plus side is I'm expected to be asleep from 6am and 2pm, and I can also play white noise as loudly as I want, because she knows I can't really tolerate the kids screaming.
So it seems like as far as windows of opportunity go, I can either try late at night which would be more 'ideal' as far as my mood and personal comfort etc goes. But the downside is I wouldn't be able to use anything to mask the noise because it would disturb my family sleeping. Or I can skip my 6am meal and do it anytime from like 10am to 2pm. The downside is my mom will be home with children and I feel like I'll be more anxious/rushed knowing someone is awake at home.
So yeah, both options suck, unfortunately. But what do you think?
The only alternative would be going to like a nearby park late at night; there's one about 5 minutes away. But I just feel too physically frail and disorganized for that. It seems like it would have to be done at home.
I don't think I can live more than a few more days like this. I'm pretty much doing literally nothing all day except staring at a clock, watching time tick by. It's torture.
This is my daily schedule:
1. Wake up at 2/3pm
2. Fast until 10pm and eat first meal
3. Eat again at 1am
4. Eat again at 6am and try to sleep
Ironically, the cognitive decline is making planning or going ahead with any kind of decision basically impossible. As I've mentioned before, I live with my family in a *very* small house with *very* thin walls; my mom has heard me vomiting at night (just as a result of my illness and that's woken her up). I feel worst and most suicidal late at night, so ideally I would want to skip my 1am meal and just do it at like 3am in my own bed when it's cozy at night. But that strikes me as a big risk.
Alternatively, everyone is out except for my mom during the day; she works from home. I know this is really fucked up re: ctbing at home, but she runs a daycare (though the amount of noise etc. this creates has just made my life even more of a nightmare). The plus side is I'm expected to be asleep from 6am and 2pm, and I can also play white noise as loudly as I want, because she knows I can't really tolerate the kids screaming.
So it seems like as far as windows of opportunity go, I can either try late at night which would be more 'ideal' as far as my mood and personal comfort etc goes. But the downside is I wouldn't be able to use anything to mask the noise because it would disturb my family sleeping. Or I can skip my 6am meal and do it anytime from like 10am to 2pm. The downside is my mom will be home with children and I feel like I'll be more anxious/rushed knowing someone is awake at home.
So yeah, both options suck, unfortunately. But what do you think?
The only alternative would be going to like a nearby park late at night; there's one about 5 minutes away. But I just feel too physically frail and disorganized for that. It seems like it would have to be done at home.
