Venting Trying to fight off suicidal thoughts

[Definitelyworried]

I been trying to fight off suicidal thoughts and it's so difficult to just survive.
I'm too much of a coward to kill myself, I've tried.
And I'm too much of a coward to overcome my anxiety.

I can't improve my situation no matter how hard I try. I been stuck for so long.
My family (younger 27 year old drg addict brother and my narcisist sociopath mother) have been draining me, they leave a big burden to me, they don't help me much, and they mistreat me very much. I'm financially tied to them though(I co-signed a refinance with my mom to save the house we live in) (big mistake they keep jeopardizing the home with legal issues and don't do much to correct it), I feel like I have been trapped to them. if only they would be willing to be as loyal to me as I have been to them, I think I would be fine. I wish they would be more responsible.
The only person that helps me out is my dad but he is remarried and has been diagnosed with a weird cancer-like syndrome, on top of anemia.

I think about what a positive future I thought I was going to have, and now my future seems unbearable. I've had an avalanche of bad things happen to me this year.

I haven't killed myself even though I been very suicidal for about 6 months now. But every day has been so painful.
I feel so alone and I can't seem to do anything about it.
I don't know what to do.
I don't want to kill myself, but I can't bare this pain much longer, and I don't see this pain going away anytime soon, perhaps only if I killed myself, wich I'm afraid to do.
I don't know what to do.

 

[shadow11]

I been trying to fight off suicidal thoughts and it's so difficult to just survive.
I'm too much of a coward to kill myself, I've tried.
And I'm too much of a coward to overcome my anxiety.

I can't improve my situation no matter how hard I try. I been stuck for so long.
My family (younger 27 year old drg addict brother and my narcisist sociopath mother) have been draining me, they leave a big burden to me, they don't help me much, and they mistreat me very much. I'm financially tied to them though(I co-signed a refinance with my mom to save the house we live in) (big mistake they keep jeopardizing the home with legal issues and don't do much to correct it), I feel like I have been trapped to them. if only they would be willing to be as loyal to me as I have been to them, I think I would be fine. I wish they would be more responsible.
The only person that helps me out is my dad but he is remarried and has been diagnosed with a weird cancer-like syndrome, on top of anemia.

I think about what a positive future I thought I was going to have, and now my future seems unbearable. I've had an avalanche of bad things happen to me this year.

I haven't killed myself even though I been very suicidal for about 6 months now. But every day has been so painful.
I feel so alone and I can't seem to do anything about it.
I don't know what to do.
I don't want to kill myself, but I can't bare this pain much longer, and I don't see this pain going away anytime soon, perhaps only if I killed myself, wich I'm afraid to do.
I don't know what to do.

I'm sorry for your pain

 

[Definitelyworried]

Yeah...
My mom called the cops on me when I told her that I was having suicidal thoughts and was sent to the ward and was mistreated for 3 days there, kicked out saying I left against medical advise, no treatment or help plan for me.
I just have to tough it out, I guess that's the plan :\
I don't know if that will work as I keep thinking about hanging myself, but then when the noose is ready I don't go through with it.
Maybe eventually I will.
I don't want to though.
But I need this pain to stop.

 

[creatureoflight]

If you have doubts about killing yourself, then don't!! It is only for those who want it 100% and who have no way of their life ever getting better and can't bear it anymore.
Happy to hear you are fighting and sorry about what you are going through