Venting Trying to fake it

[speck]

I am an adult full time university student who is almost done with their degree. My degree should be finished in the Summer of next year, which is the same time that my partner (of ten years) has threatened to leave me. They have also since then told me we should have a baby and get a dog, then taken it back and threatened to leave me again, and then told me we should have a baby and get a dog, and then taken it back and then told me we would someday have a home together where I could garden, and then taken it back and told me they are only staying until my degree is finished and that i'm an obligation.
I am a destroyed person and I don't think I can go on after this. I know if I lived I would sit and wait until they came back, if they ever did. I'm so pathetic and sad. I have nobody except this person.

I've taken a part time job for money because of the constant threats to destabilize me and my living situation- (as an example of my day: in the morning, my partner will say I don't need the job and tell me to quit and by the evening will threaten me with the looming august date.) and I'm having a lot of guilt around the fact that I will probably have to quit when I kill myself. School starts again soon and I have a full time load of classes- all of these things seem so stupid and impossible.

I keep putting off purging my belongings because of the cyclical psychological torture my partner is putting me through. I'm mortified at the thought of his parents coming to get rid of my things. I have one bottle of N and am trying to start a new order to replace the missing bottle. I wish God would strike me down. I am not sure if I will wait until August to end my life or if I will go when the new bottle arrives.

Life has been an endless struggle to stay afloat, only to peter out in this miserable place, completely ground down. Anyone else going through the motions with the knowledge that they have to kill themselves, there is nothing else? How do I continue on to my end date? Any advice on how to purge posessions?

 

[Alwaysbadtime]

I relate. I live with my bf. There's been major downs and no real ups. Shit got especially bad in May/June and he got his mom involved telling me I needed to move out...then it was changed to I have permission to live here week to week. Recently he said I am on another 60 day assessment. We both are unemployed and it's very bad. I have very little to say and nothing really to do. He can get really angry quickly.

I have nowhere else to go and don't have shit for furnishings nor a job. I bought my poision escape and will do it soon. Your dude sounds very dysfunctional and mean. Don't have a kid ever with them. I'm sure you know this.

I got rid of a lot of shit. I either sold it for shitty money (books) or just threw in the trash.

If your degree can land you something good income wise that's great. He doesn't sound like a nice person for you.

 

[FuneralCry]

For me, suicide is inevitable as I cannot put up with this existence for decades longer. I just want to fall into an eternal sleep. There is nothing else for me. I'm sorry you are suffering so much, living really is painful, it is hard to be in a hopeless situation. I wish you peace if this is what you decide.

 

[NasiGoreng]

I am an adult full time university student who is almost done with their degree. My degree should be finished in the Summer of next year, which is the same time that my partner (of ten years) has threatened to leave me. They have also since then told me we should have a baby and get a dog, then taken it back and threatened to leave me again, and then told me we should have a baby and get a dog, and then taken it back and then told me we would someday have a home together where I could garden, and then taken it back and told me they are only staying until my degree is finished and that i'm an obligation.
I am a destroyed person and I don't think I can go on after this. I know if I lived I would sit and wait until they came back, if they ever did. I'm so pathetic and sad. I have nobody except this person.

I've taken a part time job for money because of the constant threats to destabilize me and my living situation- (as an example of my day: in the morning, my partner will say I don't need the job and tell me to quit and by the evening will threaten me with the looming august date.) and I'm having a lot of guilt around the fact that I will probably have to quit when I kill myself. School starts again soon and I have a full time load of classes- all of these things seem so stupid and impossible.

I keep putting off purging my belongings because of the cyclical psychological torture my partner is putting me through. I'm mortified at the thought of his parents coming to get rid of my things. I have one bottle of N and am trying to start a new order to replace the missing bottle. I wish God would strike me down. I am not sure if I will wait until August to end my life or if I will go when the new bottle arrives.

Life has been an endless struggle to stay afloat, only to peter out in this miserable place, completely ground down. Anyone else going through the motions with the knowledge that they have to kill themselves, there is nothing else? How do I continue on to my end date? Any advice on how to purge posessions?

I feel deeply for you, its an horrible situation to be in. I was in the exact situation recently, I am also done with my degree next summer. My ex threatend to kick me out of the apartment multiple times, and I were economically dependent on him. He also wanted us to have a dog, and we were planning the future together, then he wanted to kick me out again. He said life wasnt worth living without me, but surely he did not mean that.
I am also destroyed and did not know how to function without him in my life. When he kicked me out 3 weeks ago I was 1000% sure I would ctb but I failed. I dont have a permanent place to live now and im not really sure what to do. I knew there was no way I could stay alive, and I really had to go. I ended up staying in bed for two weeks barely drinking or eating.
Not to try and change your decision to ctb, but IF you want to be alive its very likely that is not happening if you have him in your life. He seems very toxic and abusive, and its probably making your life worse. I was not able to leave him even if other people told me to, because I did not see how I could survive/function without him. If you can get a good job with your degree that could be an option for you. Sometimes we are capable of more then we believe, but its hard and painful and after to much shit it feels better to give up and leave this world.
If that is not an option I wish you peace and success with your decision. If you continue to your end date it helps if you try to distract yourself and not focus to much on it. That is easier said than done. Wish you the best, whatever choice you make. Im not trying to be too pro life here, but im an emphatic soul and I wish I could take your pain away. I also relate to you a lot.

 

[lugerepair]

Sounds like you're in an abusive relationship. Sorry if that's obvious, I just felt like it needed to be said. Better to be alone than in bad company.

 

[overcomingfear]

relationships should add to your life, not make it. if u can't be happy by yourself, relationships won't help u. i know its hard but leave toxic partners asap

 

[Alwaysbadtime]

relationships should add to your life, not make it. if u can't be happy by yourself, relationships won't help u. i know its hard but leave toxic partners asap

Sometimes it's financially impossible to leave. People are stuck with their toxic families and toxic partners. It's a sad situation. Perhaps person posting can leave...I am just saying personally I can't.

 

[overcomingfear]

Sometimes it's financially impossible to leave. People are stuck with their toxic families and toxic partners. It's a sad situation. Perhaps person posting can leave...I am just saying personally I can't.

yes it's damaging to stay where u are, look for a job with housing. anything that will get u out of there

 

[Alwaysbadtime]

yes it's damaging to stay where u are, look for a job with housing. anything that will get u out of there

No...this isn't a new idea or suggestion...and when I say I can't...I can't. Job with housing? Huh? Like spoon feeding senile people and wiping their asses just to sleep in their 1960's guest room? No retirement? Grocery shopping for one? No thanks.

 

[mossyfox]

Right, can't and impossible must mean different things over there. Disliking certain jobs and not wanting to take a job without retirement doesn't make leaving a toxic situation financially impossible.

 

[Alwaysbadtime]

Right, can't and impossible must mean different things over there. Disliking certain jobs and not wanting to take a job without retirement doesn't make leaving a toxic situation financially impossible.

It's unkind to think you know better than what anyone is going through. Their stuckness isn't yours. Quality of life is not just measured by leaving an asshole and sleeping alone...in peace or horror. Seriously I guess you can have the last word...but you have no idea the age...level of mobility and opportunites for anyone...small town...big town...you don't know...Accepting someone's reality is what SS is supposed to be.

You must be young. Omg...You really have to state 'disliking jobs and not wanting to take a job without retirement' etc etc. Without retirement what in the HOLY fuck do you think people can do? My grandparents lived until their late 90's. I don't have social security coming. WTF...don't shitball a person stuck.

 

[mossyfox]

I think it's disrespectful to people who are actually trapped in horrible situations to refer to your situation as 'impossible' to get out of because you turn your nose down at jobs real people do that involve wiping people's asses. What, you're too good for that work, and because it doesn't offer retirement? You sound young and entitled.

You don't have money but your live-in charges a TV your account. You don't have furnishings, except all the ones with your mom. I'm guessing you're too good for women's shelters too.

Leave the words 'can't leave' and it's impossible' for people who are actually in such dire straits. It's extremely disrespectful to make out your situation to be like theirs.

What happened to your ignore button?

 

[Callie Arcale]

Damn, @speck Your partner is really putting you through hell: threatening to leave, then saying they want a kid, then setting a date for the separation.

I have no wisdom or advice to impart. I was myself trapped in a bad, long-term relationship and I know how paralyzing it is.

I'm just gonna leave a hug here for you (HUG).