So, one of my main reasons for not ctb yet is guilt. It's been a consistent obstacle for me over the past ten or twelve years. I'm giving myself one last chance to "work through my problems" and if it doesn't make my life any better, which I don't see how it could, then I'm going to ctb. I feel like if I give it an "honest try" then they can't be too upset right? Thoughts? Advice? How long would it take to appear to be an honest attempt? I'm just so screwed right now.
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BandAddict
Specialist
- Apr 3, 2019
- 338
I identify with this so much. Guilt is a bitch and makes everything more difficult. I'm seeing a therapist right now as a "last resort" before settling on the fact that I've tried many different things and didn't just quit right away.
To be honest—and I don't mean to be discouraging—I don't think other people will be satisfied in the end even if you had tried everything possible before CTB. Often times it's hard for people to understand that sometimes shit doesn't work, but they want to think that there's something out there that will fix things.
I would definitely try to go into whatever you're doing with an open mind, at least. If you tell yourself there's no way it'll work, you could set yourself up for failure. Just take it as it comes and if it doesn't work out, then you don't need to prove your efforts to anyone. Wishing you the best.
To be honest—and I don't mean to be discouraging—I don't think other people will be satisfied in the end even if you had tried everything possible before CTB. Often times it's hard for people to understand that sometimes shit doesn't work, but they want to think that there's something out there that will fix things.
I would definitely try to go into whatever you're doing with an open mind, at least. If you tell yourself there's no way it'll work, you could set yourself up for failure. Just take it as it comes and if it doesn't work out, then you don't need to prove your efforts to anyone. Wishing you the best.
Thanks friend. I'm sorry you can relate. I'm very much in the spot of why didn't I do this 12 years ago / 2 weeks ago / 18 months ago / any of the tons of times I actually had the courage, you know? Like why the fuck am I doing this shit?
I'm trying to be open, mainly because my therapist is the shit, but she has also expressed to me that my death would be very very hard for her to overcome. Which complicates the guilt even more -- if I try to work through shit with her and I end up failing? Will that make her feel even worse than if I didn't try & just peace out? You know? She's one of my main reasons for staying; its spouse, mom, therapist. I know they would all feel extremely bad and guilty which makes me feel incredibly guilty.
I hope it will work out for me, but I'm also preparing for the worst. I've been down this road so many times. If I give myself false hope, then it hurts way worse when I crash. I can't wait to just be done.
I'm trying to be open, mainly because my therapist is the shit, but she has also expressed to me that my death would be very very hard for her to overcome. Which complicates the guilt even more -- if I try to work through shit with her and I end up failing? Will that make her feel even worse than if I didn't try & just peace out? You know? She's one of my main reasons for staying; its spouse, mom, therapist. I know they would all feel extremely bad and guilty which makes me feel incredibly guilty.
I hope it will work out for me, but I'm also preparing for the worst. I've been down this road so many times. If I give myself false hope, then it hurts way worse when I crash. I can't wait to just be done.
MYStERY_Man
The 't' is silent
- Jul 15, 2020
- 225
12 years... it's funny, right? It could've been so simple. 14 years ago, a crush, way too high expectations lead to a crash when rejected. A psychologist could've helped. 13 years ago, no sense of self-worth, I find refuge in a MMORPG. A psychologist could've helped. 12 years ago, love at first sight, still utterly broken, frozen with anxiety, can't even say hi, neither in person, nor online. Self-hatred grows day by day. Get a psychiatrist in the mix, and it's probably still fine. Eventually suicide seems like the way out. I set up a date. In the meantime, I figure that if I hate myself so much, I can't escape, I must stay and suffer.
It's absurd what an inexperienced mind can come up if left to its own devices, there was no need for any of this.
Years go by, I actually built up confidence. As I achieve things that kid would never think possible, it's evident he was very wrong. Yet, satisfaction is lacking, something is broken beyond repair and it's not worth trying, unless... alcohol and illegal drugs! But not really, the drugs don't work.
You know what could work, if anything? Proper professional help. And you know why it's hard to admit? Because I'd have to recognize that it really could have happened much sooner and I let an ignorant scared 13 y.o. control my life for so long. I should probably try it, don't know if I will, and you should too.
Your therapist knows that most people can be helped, despite feeling otherwise, and they know some are beyond help. I don't think pro-lifers are correct when they say suicide just transfers the pain to somebody else, because what irradiates is always more manageable than what the suicidal person went through. Otherwise, humanity would have extinct already. But I do believe the odds of recovering are very good, and the way to end with the lesser amount of suffering in the world is to promote recovery, but allow a peaceful exit for the ones who can't do it. This is all in theory of course, practice is much harder.
EDIT: sorry, I forgot to actually answer your question. How long? I don't know. Ideally, you'd just be open about your feelings and make it clear whether it's working or not. I don't think the family would ever be completely ready for it, but any effort in this sense should make grieving easier to handle, if only a tiny bit.
It's absurd what an inexperienced mind can come up if left to its own devices, there was no need for any of this.
Years go by, I actually built up confidence. As I achieve things that kid would never think possible, it's evident he was very wrong. Yet, satisfaction is lacking, something is broken beyond repair and it's not worth trying, unless... alcohol and illegal drugs! But not really, the drugs don't work.
You know what could work, if anything? Proper professional help. And you know why it's hard to admit? Because I'd have to recognize that it really could have happened much sooner and I let an ignorant scared 13 y.o. control my life for so long. I should probably try it, don't know if I will, and you should too.
Your therapist knows that most people can be helped, despite feeling otherwise, and they know some are beyond help. I don't think pro-lifers are correct when they say suicide just transfers the pain to somebody else, because what irradiates is always more manageable than what the suicidal person went through. Otherwise, humanity would have extinct already. But I do believe the odds of recovering are very good, and the way to end with the lesser amount of suffering in the world is to promote recovery, but allow a peaceful exit for the ones who can't do it. This is all in theory of course, practice is much harder.
EDIT: sorry, I forgot to actually answer your question. How long? I don't know. Ideally, you'd just be open about your feelings and make it clear whether it's working or not. I don't think the family would ever be completely ready for it, but any effort in this sense should make grieving easier to handle, if only a tiny bit.
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