Trying to determine if this life is objectively worth ending..?

[inevitableandplannd]

I'm mid-20's, repeatedly failing Calculus 2 for years while I live at home. I have no job, no degree yet except my Associate's, and no money. I would classify financial/professional life as hopeless and in an inescapable time-debt.

I have few friends, I do have a romantic partner, overall I would describe social life as desolate and alienating but not necessarily as hopeless as academics.

I feel like I'm fighting a losing battle; I've been in therapy for 10 years and still regularly want to kill myself and struggle with the same kinds of things I did when I began. I'm still fat despite constant efforts to the contrary. I'm still addicted to weed despite constant mental battles with it. It seems like living is a sunk-cost fallacy for me, no? Like, the biggest reason to keep going is just that I've already wasted a bunch of time on living.
On the other hand, it is possible that through the acquisition of knowledge that evades me presently, things can be remedied or massaged into an acceptable condition. I can't really see that happening, but whatever.

So basically, is there any point to even trying at this point? I feel like my life experience has proven conclusively beyond a shadow of a doubt that I am a failure, a complete and utter failure of a human being. I don't think someone like that really deserves or needs to keep soaking up time and space, right?

 

[affirmatice]

I wrote a post yesterday about similar things.
I've been severely depressed for 5 years now, i'm in my early 20s. And haven't been able to cope with permanent physical challenges in my life.

My life is good in many ways, bad in this one way. But beyond the physical issues, it's the mental affects it's caused on me. I feel constantly limited, insecure, and just feel like I can never be that version of myself that I want to be.

Either i accept it, or i CTB. Living a mediocre life is not for me and only makes me feel worse. I can live and still do stuff. But if the whole time i'm miserable, then that is also not the life I'd rather live.

The last 5 years would suggest that it's more or less impossible. Maybe there's the tiniest thread of hope there but I'm not sure.

 

[inevitableandplannd]

I wrote a post yesterday about similar things.
I've been severely depressed for 5 years now, i'm in my early 20s. And haven't been able to cope with permanent physical challenges in my life.

My life is good in many ways, bad in this one way. But beyond the physical issues, it's the mental affects it's caused on me. I feel constantly limited, insecure, and just feel like I can never be that version of myself that I want to be.

Either i accept it, or i CTB. Living a mediocre life is not for me and only makes me feel worse. I can live and still do stuff. But if the whole time i'm miserable, then that is also not the life I'd rather live.

The last 5 years would suggest that it's more or less impossible. Maybe there's the tiniest thread of hope there but I'm not sure.

hit the nail on the head! I think it's my time, whether i like it or not...
Is it worth trying to help my family understand and know in advance? They seem understandably closed off to the idea (I've brought it up before with my proof to no avail), but I'd feel bad to blindside them.

 

[MatrixPrisoner]

It all boils down to how much you can tolerate the suffering.

 

[BlackEyedDog]

I'm mid-20's, repeatedly failing Calculus 2 for years while I live at home. I have no job, no degree yet except my Associate's, and no money. I would classify financial/professional life as hopeless and in an inescapable time-debt.

I have few friends, I do have a romantic partner, overall I would describe social life as desolate and alienating but not necessarily as hopeless as academics.

I feel like I'm fighting a losing battle; I've been in therapy for 10 years and still regularly want to kill myself and struggle with the same kinds of things I did when I began. I'm still fat despite constant efforts to the contrary. I'm still addicted to weed despite constant mental battles with it. It seems like living is a sunk-cost fallacy for me, no? Like, the biggest reason to keep going is just that I've already wasted a bunch of time on living.
On the other hand, it is possible that through the acquisition of knowledge that evades me presently, things can be remedied or massaged into an acceptable condition. I can't really see that happening, but whatever.

So basically, is there any point to even trying at this point? I feel like my life experience has proven conclusively beyond a shadow of a doubt that I am a failure, a complete and utter failure of a human being. I don't think someone like that really deserves or needs to keep soaking up time and space, right?

Objectively based on just what you shared i would say you still have things to do.
You say you're addicted to weed despite mental battles with it. Objectively this is something to try and change. Weed has its uses but it can be detrimental to mental health and depression when it turns into abusing it just like other substances. It harmed my mental health to the point where I don't use it all anymore.

Your choice of major, have you considered other options that don't require courses like Calc II? Even explore the course/programs catalog?
Still, let's say you want to stick with it, have you tried tutoring and sought out online resources? You can find entire video lectures just from searching "calc ii video lectures". I think we can at least say your weed addiction may also be hurting your acquisition of knowledge. I think you can succeed in Calc II if you make other changes. You won't know until you try.

 

[Natanael]

If you ask me, I think you can still fix things, I have seen people in very bad situations or without opportunity, your situation is worrying and I won't lie to you, complicated, but objectively it can be fixed.

I usually judge this kind of things based on the opportunities you have at the moment, focus on the resources you have and try to build a strategy with them to improve your situation.

I've seen like 2 guys in my life in very similar situations to you (a little worse) and they are currently living well.

 

[BoredNTired]

I don't think there is a way to objectively determine it, but if you estimate your best estimate of your future hapiness is outwayed by your estimate of your future suffering, then CTB makes logical sense. All you can do it best guess how likely a positive and pleasant future is for you, and in your case where you've already tried and haven't found life worth it for 10 years, I'd say your choice is valid no matter if you decide to CTB or struggle and risk more unhapiness for the potential of a life worth living.

 

[inevitableandplannd]

I've seen like 2 guys in my life in very similar situations to you (a little worse) and they are currently living well.

This is pretty encouraging, ngl. Your advice for assessing the situation is solid.

I think the plan, if this last stab at class doesn't take off, is a stint in car sales to get out of the house (love cars, want to help people not get reamed on rustbuckets) and try out a fresh therapist (just for a new perspective, I like my current one).
Then, when I'm ready, approach a different degree that doesn't require Calculus 2, of which there are plenty.



The older I get, the more interesting the question of "what if (it doesn't get worse forever)?" has become. Hopefully that's a good thing hehe

 

[ladylazarus4]

I feel like if there's any hope at all, that's a reason not to CTB. If you think it can get better, then it's not worth the risk of brain damage/hospitalization/etc etc. It made me really happy to see in your last post that you were thinking about the future.

 

[inkthirsty]

I'm mid-20's, repeatedly failing Calculus 2 for years while I live at home. I have no job, no degree yet except my Associate's, and no money. I would classify financial/professional life as hopeless and in an inescapable time-debt.

I have few friends, I do have a romantic partner, overall I would describe social life as desolate and alienating but not necessarily as hopeless as academics.

I feel like I'm fighting a losing battle; I've been in therapy for 10 years and still regularly want to kill myself and struggle with the same kinds of things I did when I began. I'm still fat despite constant efforts to the contrary. I'm still addicted to weed despite constant mental battles with it. It seems like living is a sunk-cost fallacy for me, no? Like, the biggest reason to keep going is just that I've already wasted a bunch of time on living.
On the other hand, it is possible that through the acquisition of knowledge that evades me presently, things can be remedied or massaged into an acceptable condition. I can't really see that happening, but whatever.

So basically, is there any point to even trying at this point? I feel like my life experience has proven conclusively beyond a shadow of a doubt that I am a failure, a complete and utter failure of a human being. I don't think someone like that really deserves or needs to keep soaking up time and space, right?

based on what you've said, i think you should consider giving life another chance since it seems like you haven't lost everything yet.

you have a partner meaning you could eventually start a family or at least make some memories

if you are ashamed of your weight you can start by eating better and exercising regularly

if you want to get off weed you could try to find better alternatives (i don't smoke so i don't know what to recommend)

it seems like you have accomplished more than i ever will in my lifetime so you could try to find a purpose

 

[Temporal_Anchorite]

I'm mid-20's, repeatedly failing Calculus 2 for years while I live at home. I have no job, no degree yet except my Associate's, and no money. I would classify financial/professional life as hopeless and in an inescapable time-debt.

I have few friends, I do have a romantic partner, overall I would describe social life as desolate and alienating but not necessarily as hopeless as academics.

I feel like I'm fighting a losing battle; I've been in therapy for 10 years and still regularly want to kill myself and struggle with the same kinds of things I did when I began. I'm still fat despite constant efforts to the contrary. I'm still addicted to weed despite constant mental battles with it. It seems like living is a sunk-cost fallacy for me, no? Like, the biggest reason to keep going is just that I've already wasted a bunch of time on living.
On the other hand, it is possible that through the acquisition of knowledge that evades me presently, things can be remedied or massaged into an acceptable condition. I can't really see that happening, but whatever.

So basically, is there any point to even trying at this point? I feel like my life experience has proven conclusively beyond a shadow of a doubt that I am a failure, a complete and utter failure of a human being. I don't think someone like that really deserves or needs to keep soaking up time and space, right?

Okay, it sounds like we're around the same age. So if I'm being 100% real, I would love to trade places with you lol. I was kicked out of my home 4 years ago by my bitch of a mother while I was actively enrolled in my studies. I was studying to be an MRI tech which is literally impossible to pursue if you're supporting yourself working a fulltime 9-5 job due the clinical internship that is required for completing the program. So basically, I had to completely abandon my academic pursuits because of my mother's selfishness and I've been treading water on my own ever since.

On top of that, I've got literally zero friends and no romantic partner either—not to mention having to traverse my hellscape of living with ADHD and borderline personality disorder. I somehow managed to finesse my way into a decently paying corporate job with good benefits. But if I lose that or ever desire to work somewhere else, I'm back out there fighting tooth and nail in a hella competitive job market with zero degree.

I guess my point is, you have a lot that's still salvageable and redeemable. Get locked in with your studies, find a (healthy) substitute that stimulates those dopamine receptors to kick the weed addiction, spend quality time with good friends who don't enable your bad habits, get physically active (you don't even have to do anything crazy, just go for a walk outside for an hour), and see a psychiatrist that'll put you on the right meds to get your brain chemistry sorted out if necessary.