Help Trying to Decide on a Location, Moral/Ethical Dilemma

[GoodPersonEffed]

My Usual Cogitating Intro You Can Skip

I think by now it's pretty obvious that I use ethics and wisdom to guide me, but I'm not so rigid or naive that I don't recognize some things in life don't always fit neatly in those frameworks. A moral compass can guide one across a lot of seriously rough terrain, but not all of it.

Whew, this shit ain't easy. Most of us here seem to me to be empathetic, suffering people who don't want to cause suffering to others, and yet experience extreme suffering and need to do something about it, go through additional hell in considering the decision to exit the party of life gone bad, need to experience comfort and certainty when acting on the decision, and are human and capable of only so freaking much.

I'm now faced with making one of those hard decisions. Maybe y'all can help me figure it out. Because I really don't want to do undue harm to others, yet if I'm going to act, I want to be calm, knowing that the odds are I won't be interrupted. It's important.

The Dilemma - Rental or Hotel Room

I'm living in a rental. The owner will be impacted. She's not someone who manages stress well, she's the kind of person that thinks everything happens to her. I used to be that way, I get it, I have empathy for her, and I accept her as she is, even as I sometimes get irritated when it comes to other issues. The thing is, it's already established that I rarely leave the apartment, often don't answer the door, and don't interact with people much, so I'm confident I won't be interrupted before a certain day. Also, I can block the door, but it will cause an expense because the door will have to be removed from the outside and/or outright damaged to get in. Having established myself as a hermit in a building in a nosey and highly social culture, and being able to block the door, are important buffers. If I'm an outlier and the method takes several hours, even more than a day, no one will bother me, and blocking the door will add an extra delay. If I am interrupted, it could fuck things up for me long term as far as finding another place to live. Fortunately, this is Mexico, so the owner will not have the mandated expense of a professional biohazard cleanup, just the damage to the door. (On a side note, I can leave money for the door, but I know enough about this culture that it will probably be better to put up a sign outside the bedroom that says I have COVID again, and folks will be happier to accept that narrative rather than a suicide.) Oh yes, and the person who is likely to sound the alarm is the cleaning person, and I already know she's not going to take it well.

The other option is a hotel room. If I am interrupted, hospitalized, and survive, at least it won't fuck things up for me as no one will know, they'll just think I was gone for awhile but they won't know why, and it won't affect other housing going forward. But I can't guarantee at the hotel that I will be undisturbed for a couple of days, and that no one will enter the room if I don't answer the door. This is Mexico, they do things their own way, and boundaries are not respected like they are in Western countries. I can say, "Don't bother me for two days" and they may say yes, but that doesn't mean they actually mean yes. It's kind of crazy-making, but that's the way the culture is, and I have to take that into account.

Finally, chances are that the method will work very quickly, but there is a small chance that it won't, that it will drag out while I'm unconscious and can't make any kind of a defense. I can't make the best decision relying on what's likely, I have to plan for being an outlier, that at the most extreme, it could take a day or more. I recognize I may be overthinking, but weird shit happens, and I have to account for that.

I look forward to all compassionate responses. Thank you in advance to anyone who tries to help me figure out this ethical dilemma that's causing me some empathetic and moral pain. I really don't want to do emotional or financial harm to anyone, but I also need to "succeed," and I'm having a hard time figuring out if it's possible to ensure both. Maybe someone will see something I've overlooked or come up with another alternative.

 

[hoping to lose hope]

Great thread you were concise and clear as to the problem you have and after reading it I cannot offer the advice of not caring for morality as clearly you are empathetic.
You really are trying your best not to cause others harm but I think you need to consider that regardless you will cause some harm even if not to those immediately in your life such as coroner etc (lets imagine they are not numb to it).
I think personally you shouldgo for what is best for you and that could be at home.
You could maybe try to write a letter to your landlady to apologize if that helps?

Is there no other option? your method seems as though there is not.

 

[Ghost2211]

I think your comfort and needs should come first. This is the last thing you'll ever do for yourself, so make it what you want and need. I feel for you landlord, but her mental health is not your responsibility and she did choose this line of work. If you are more comfortable in your home do it there. If you don't mind a hotel then that may be better for her, but the staff could be effected. I think it's two sides of the same coin.

 

[Nymph]

I think hotel room is better for the reasons you said, plus it's probably not gonna be their first suicide-they've gone through it

 

[GoodPersonEffed]

If you don't mind a hotel then that may be better for her, but the staff could be effected.

At least at a hotel, no one will have had any more interactions with me than the check in, they'd be less emotionally affected because I would be a total stranger. And I'd choose a hotel that's corporately owned. I just can't guarantee they'll leave me the eff alone!

You know, that's true about landlords. There are certain risks they take. She's not at all good at taking such responsibility for her choices, but that also is not my... responsibility. Thank you for pointing that out, it really helped. I don't need to be an asshole, but I also don't need to go into undue empathetic overload.

 

[Deleted member 23374]

I think the impact on any who find you will be traumatic, there doesn't seem ethical win on an indoor scenario.
Honestly i would like to die in my own bed. don't have the energy to disappear anymore.
Perhaps offset with a clear warning/instruction posted at the door ?

 

[GoodPersonEffed]

Perhaps offset with a clear warning/instruction posted at the door ?

I'll put up a sign that says I have COVID. They'll probably figure out I'm dead before they open the door, I think it's likely there will be an odor.

 

[profoundexperience]

Do you possibly have the resources to go stay at the hotel in advance? To try to test it out...? I think that might give you a lot more data & and confidence in your decision.

As far as preventing them from entering a hotel room... Perhaps in addition to telling them... a sign, securely attached to the door with something like painter's tape (will stay put very well, but won't damage the door)...?

On the sign, you could say something like, "I'm working nights [or otherwise indicate you are sleeping during the daytime], so please don't disturb for any reason. No housekeeping needed."

 

[Brackenshire]

Gpe...its okay to choose either. Death is death, allways has impact on some one. Which would be more comfortable for you ? Which meets you needs ?

 

[noaccount]

You're an amazing and admirable person and it's seriously heartbreaking that it's come to this and I just want to say you deserve so so much better than the options you've wound up with

 

[GoodPersonEffed]

You're an amazing and admirable person and it's seriously heartbreaking that it's come to this and I just want to say you deserve so so much better than the options you've wound up with

This is one of the best things anyone has ever said to me. I'm really moved, lots of emotions and responses going on right now. I wish I could hug you and cry with you, and I wish there were a way to convey the depth and breadth of these tiny words: thank you.

 

[feast or famine]

I know the nature of these forums and what can happen here, but damn, this hits me. Knowing that you're struggling with not wanting to cause any harm to anyone even though you're in such despair really sheds light as to how kind your soul is. It also pains me to know you're suffering so much.

I don't feel like there's a win here because as another user mentioned, these options are less than desirable and I dislike it very much that it's come to this for you.

I just think that you deserve peace in whatever way possible and that should come first and foremost in the last decision you'll ever make.

You hold yourself to incredible standards which is admirable. And you definitely don't have to let those go, but maybe allow yourself to be the main character in this last act. You deserve that.

 

[foxdie]

I will agree with what had been said already. You are an admiral person and you deserve so much better. Also you should take your own comfort into account. If not now, then when? I've always assumed I'd be found by my landlord when I missed my rent. It breaks my heart but I can't afford a hotel. But it's a potential risk in this line of work as stated by Rosey. Your suffering is not your fault nor is the potential suffering caused by you taking your desired escape. Made me tear up, I wish it hadn't come to this for you, sending love

 

[GoodPersonEffed]

@Whatajoke, @foxdie, again, sincerely...

This is one of the best things anyone has ever said to me. I'm really moved, lots of emotions and responses going on right now. I wish I could hug you and cry with you, and I wish there were a way to convey the depth and breadth of these tiny words: thank you.

 

[muffin222]

You're an amazing and admirable person and it's seriously heartbreaking that it's come to this and I just want to say you deserve so so much better than the options you've wound up with

I agree- she is amazing and unique and courageous. All ctb's on here hurt my heart, but this one will cut me deeply, I already know it. I wish it didn't have to come to this, but I understand how horrendously all of us suffer and how little support we have available to remedy our pain

 

[Dr Iron Arc]

I think the hotel method is better for the reasons you mentioned, though it's also true that it will probably actually make you more likely to be disturbed and found too soon than if one were to ctb at home.

Me personally, I'm going to try to do it outside since I know some areas that I probably would not be found in time. I too am sad to see you have to leave but still I wish you luck whatever means you take to find peace...

 

[BitterlyAlive]

Ah, GPE. I'm so sorry you're at this point, and it's so thoughtful to consider how others like your landlord will likely feel. Admirable, as usual. Others have brought up very good points. So...first, what do you feel more comfortable with? Where are you at right now? Has anything else come to mind?

 

[GoodPersonEffed]

Y'all, I'm so glad I posted. I hesitated to do so, but I just realized that I have a (good) pattern -- when I'm being shit on by someone, and being overly accommodating to them, I take it to my friends, and they help me get out of my tunnel vision. Similar to how I did about my parents, knowing it was best to not leave them a note or try to make things easier for them, yet feeling overempathetic and overethical toward them and their imagined suffering.

I don't need to go into all the details, but since reading the responses here I've done a lot of thinking about this landlord and how she's consistenly been with me (non-empathetic, often acts like our roles are reversed which has been irritating and inappropriate), and how she would act if the roles actually were reversed.

Honestly, she would think she's entitled to not only block the door, but to die on the most expensive and super-comfortable mattress because oh, the suffering, the agony that take precedence over all consideration for anyone or anything else.

I'm not even joking.

So yeah, I'm never going to feel a hundred percent okay about this, and I'd be concerned about myself if I did, and I'm not going to die on the expensive, super-comfortable mattress (probably, hah), but I'm not going to risk getting interrupted at a hotel, and y'all just don't understand what this culture and what this particular area are like -- even if I put up a sign about not being disturbed, my boundaries will likely not be respected unless I become a man or I give a very hefty tip in advance, and even then it's not guaranteed. In fact a sign would be like an irresistible magnet, someone would come up with an excuse to override the request, that's just how it is here.

I think the wisest of all not-so-great choices is to stick with the sure thing. I knew that all along, but I needed to work out, against the sounding board of caring people, my problem of being overaccommodating and ethically and empathetically overburdened. I'm not getting revenge on her, I don't roll like that, but I need to the stanch the flow of my bleeding heart. She's not going to deeply suffer, she's not even going to see the body or do any clean-up, she's going to have a drama, just like my parents do.

Whew, it feels good to figure that out.

The cleaning lady, ugh, she has yucky boundaries. She may actually be a little traumatized, but not because she genuinely cares about me but her idea of me. She has her own story of our relationship that doesn't reflect reality, it's always been that way, and any emotional trauma will reflect her own stuff. I just can't own it, and I certainly have no power over it or she'd already understand how things are between us. I have empathy for that, but I have to stay far away from it and focus on my own stuff.

 

[BitterlyAlive]

Y'all, I'm so glad I posted. I hesitated to do so, but I just realized that I have a (good) pattern -- when I'm being shit on by someone, and being overly accommodating to them, I take it to my friends, and they help me get out of my tunnel vision. Similar to how I did about my parents, knowing it was best to not leave them a note or try to make things easier for them, yet feeling overempathetic and overethical toward them and their imagined suffering.

I don't need to go into all the details, but since reading the responses here I've done a lot of thinking about this landlord and how she's consistenly been with me (non-empathetic, often acts like our roles are reversed which has been irritating and inappropriate), and how she would act if the roles actually were reversed.

Honestly, she would think she's entitled to not only block the door, but to die on the most expensive and super-comfortable mattress because oh, the suffering, the agony that take precedence over all consideration for anyone or anything else.

I'm not even joking.

So yeah, I'm never going to feel a hundred percent okay about this, and I'd be concerned about myself if I did, and I'm not going to die on the expensive, super-comfortable mattress (probably, hah), but I'm not going to risk getting interrupted at a hotel, and y'all just don't understand what this culture and what this particular area are like -- even if I put up a sign about not being disturbed, my boundaries will likely not be respected unless I become a man or I give a very hefty tip in advance, and even then it's not guaranteed. In fact a sign would be like an irresistible magnet, someone would come up with an excuse to override the request, that's just how it is here.

I think the wisest of all not-so-great choices is to stick with the sure thing. I knew that all along, but I needed to work out, against the sounding board of caring people, my problem of being overaccommodating and ethically and empathetically overburdened. I'm not getting revenge on her, I don't roll like that, but I need to the stanch the flow of my bleeding heart. She's not going to deeply suffer, she's not even going to see the body or do any clean-up, she's going to have a drama, just like my parents do.

Whew, it feels good to figure that out.

The cleaning lady, ugh, she has yucky boundaries. She may actually be a little traumatized, but not because she genuinely cares about me but her idea of me. She has her own story of our relationship that doesn't reflect reality, it's always been that way, and any emotional trauma will reflect her own stuff. I just can't own it, and I certainly have no power over it or she'd already understand how things are between us. I have empathy for that, but I have to stay far away from it and focus on my own stuff.

Glad to see you've come to a decision and you seem to feel at peace with it. Again... I'm so, so sorry.

 

[Symbiote]

Just wanted to add that even though you're in Mexico, there are still international chain hotels in Mexico where they abide by the privacy rule of "Do Not Disturb". You can stay in those instead of a Mexican-owned hotel. Don't do it in a rental since you've already outlined the specifics about the owner.

 

[Brackenshire]

@GPE
I will truly miss you words. I respect this journey you have been on, the decision you make. Please know that you will be remembered respectively by me for your thoughtful insight, knowledge and compassion.

 

[noaccount]

I would miss you a lot and I'm wondering if there's anything we can do to make things better for you while you're here...

 

[GoodPersonEffed]

I would miss you a lot and I'm wondering if there's anything we can do to make things better for you while you're here...

Thank you, it's paradoxically sad and uplifting to know you will miss me. The other sentiment is clearly kind, but I don't quite understand it. Would you be willing to clarify so that I can?