Red
Warlock
- Apr 10, 2019
- 744
Still tying myself to this part of the forum; determined to be in "recovery" rather than in "suicide discussion" for now at least...
It's difficult. Ctb thoughts lurk in the background but they are firmly pushed to the back every time they rear up - wedding planning is helping to distract but nothing helps the terrible physical pain I still have to endure on a daily basis, along with this crippling fatigue - the delivery people judge me so harshly when I answer the door in my dressing gown in the afternoon and I'm almost beyond caring. Almost.
Currently in one hell of a pain flare - relying on the addition of old meds on top of current meds to get me through; worried about what will happen when those old meds run out and I have to ask for an increase in normal meds. Having to explain myself again and again is so exhausting on top of feeling it all.
The pain is phenomenal, it's hard to set my mind to anything right now. The combination of old and new meds, plus a huge dose of alcohol, has allowed me to make some wedding plans today but I fear that it will come at a cost - it'll all come rushing back tomorrow along with GI troubles that follow after each cocktail of drugs, rendering me useless yet again for another day or two. I'm due at the hospital for another scan tomorrow and am just glad that it's in the evening rather than morning, otherwise it's be "puke jug in the car" time as we drive to get to the appointment.
I know that every action has its consequence but it seems unfair that each constructive action comes with a period of inaction twice as useless as I would've been before - the price always seems too high for the mediocre levels of activity I achieve.
It's so hard to push on.
Still here, still firmly focused on the future but still got that bit of me that wishes to just drop dead any second, taking the choice from me but giving me relief nonetheless.
Still slogging on, buckling under the weight of carrying this failing body forward. I'm so tired but must keep going; got a slew of scans coming up, a CT and couple of MRIs. Pinning my hopes discretely and tentatively on something finally happening - I'll probably face surgery at some point again this year, hopefully they'll start taking reproductive bits out so that the endo/adeno settles down... hope upon a hope of a hope... it's like nailing jelly to the wall!
Still clinging on but fingers feeling bloody from trying.
Must keep trying.
Must hang on.
It's difficult. Ctb thoughts lurk in the background but they are firmly pushed to the back every time they rear up - wedding planning is helping to distract but nothing helps the terrible physical pain I still have to endure on a daily basis, along with this crippling fatigue - the delivery people judge me so harshly when I answer the door in my dressing gown in the afternoon and I'm almost beyond caring. Almost.
Currently in one hell of a pain flare - relying on the addition of old meds on top of current meds to get me through; worried about what will happen when those old meds run out and I have to ask for an increase in normal meds. Having to explain myself again and again is so exhausting on top of feeling it all.
The pain is phenomenal, it's hard to set my mind to anything right now. The combination of old and new meds, plus a huge dose of alcohol, has allowed me to make some wedding plans today but I fear that it will come at a cost - it'll all come rushing back tomorrow along with GI troubles that follow after each cocktail of drugs, rendering me useless yet again for another day or two. I'm due at the hospital for another scan tomorrow and am just glad that it's in the evening rather than morning, otherwise it's be "puke jug in the car" time as we drive to get to the appointment.
I know that every action has its consequence but it seems unfair that each constructive action comes with a period of inaction twice as useless as I would've been before - the price always seems too high for the mediocre levels of activity I achieve.
It's so hard to push on.
Still here, still firmly focused on the future but still got that bit of me that wishes to just drop dead any second, taking the choice from me but giving me relief nonetheless.
Still slogging on, buckling under the weight of carrying this failing body forward. I'm so tired but must keep going; got a slew of scans coming up, a CT and couple of MRIs. Pinning my hopes discretely and tentatively on something finally happening - I'll probably face surgery at some point again this year, hopefully they'll start taking reproductive bits out so that the endo/adeno settles down... hope upon a hope of a hope... it's like nailing jelly to the wall!
Still clinging on but fingers feeling bloody from trying.
Must keep trying.
Must hang on.
