Red
Warlock
- Apr 10, 2019
- 744
Trying so hard to be in recovery but still feeling like I'm not going anywhere with my life…
Got married, did the honeymoon thing, it was all great but now we're back to normal life and I still feel like everyone else is busy living life and I'm still mired in exactly the same, stationary situation…
I'm too unwell to work, finding myself too bogged down by pain and exhaustion to do anything beyond basic housework at best. I loved my job and would love to get back to it but as things stand nobody would have me in this state and I'd be a pretty crappy employee…
No hobbies hold my interest, not even able to pick up a book after years of avid reading for fear of wasting time selfishly. I secretly envy my family for their activities outside of the house, wishing that I could engage in but one thing that would free me from these walls but find myself struggling to even get out of bed at the moment, my body in revolt with pain and other unbidden, unpleasant activities.
I feel an unwilling prisoner of my own body once more and after so long of keeping my head above water I feel those dark waves trying to engulf me again and despite every effort to keep going those dark thoughts have started to plague me once again. What's the point if I'm just stuck here alone all the time? Why bother if I'm just using resources and not contributing anymore?
I just want to sleep forever, to lay my head down for the last time and not to worry about my existence or the burden I place upon others. But even my dreams remind me of what I am missing and the toll I take upon others around me.
I'm thinking more and more of my small package of SN bought ages ago when I was in desperate times. Would it still be okay? Could I still use it and finally be free of all this pain and worry? I've plenty of metoclopramide and everything else needed for the method, should I not just get it over with or should I hold out for the consultant appointment at the end of the week that may or may not offer hope for the future??
It may mean surgery to remove offending organs, may mean relief in the future but at sizeable monetary cost to my husband. It's by no means a guarantee and I may still be left in pain and a burden still…
Trying so very hard to weigh it all up and stay positive but so tired and bored of all the dashed hopes, all the disappointment and wasted time, the continuing pain and discomfort and feeling like I'm just a weight around the necks of those I love.
Trying so hard to BE, yet failing miserably. So tonight it is alcohol and drugs (not illicit), the perfect mix to take me out of circulation for a few hours so that the envy, pain and guilt fade back, if only for a few hours.
If only it was this easy to make it go away forever.
Got married, did the honeymoon thing, it was all great but now we're back to normal life and I still feel like everyone else is busy living life and I'm still mired in exactly the same, stationary situation…
I'm too unwell to work, finding myself too bogged down by pain and exhaustion to do anything beyond basic housework at best. I loved my job and would love to get back to it but as things stand nobody would have me in this state and I'd be a pretty crappy employee…
No hobbies hold my interest, not even able to pick up a book after years of avid reading for fear of wasting time selfishly. I secretly envy my family for their activities outside of the house, wishing that I could engage in but one thing that would free me from these walls but find myself struggling to even get out of bed at the moment, my body in revolt with pain and other unbidden, unpleasant activities.
I feel an unwilling prisoner of my own body once more and after so long of keeping my head above water I feel those dark waves trying to engulf me again and despite every effort to keep going those dark thoughts have started to plague me once again. What's the point if I'm just stuck here alone all the time? Why bother if I'm just using resources and not contributing anymore?
I just want to sleep forever, to lay my head down for the last time and not to worry about my existence or the burden I place upon others. But even my dreams remind me of what I am missing and the toll I take upon others around me.
I'm thinking more and more of my small package of SN bought ages ago when I was in desperate times. Would it still be okay? Could I still use it and finally be free of all this pain and worry? I've plenty of metoclopramide and everything else needed for the method, should I not just get it over with or should I hold out for the consultant appointment at the end of the week that may or may not offer hope for the future??
It may mean surgery to remove offending organs, may mean relief in the future but at sizeable monetary cost to my husband. It's by no means a guarantee and I may still be left in pain and a burden still…
Trying so very hard to weigh it all up and stay positive but so tired and bored of all the dashed hopes, all the disappointment and wasted time, the continuing pain and discomfort and feeling like I'm just a weight around the necks of those I love.
Trying so hard to BE, yet failing miserably. So tonight it is alcohol and drugs (not illicit), the perfect mix to take me out of circulation for a few hours so that the envy, pain and guilt fade back, if only for a few hours.
If only it was this easy to make it go away forever.
