Trying on my SCUBA mask for the first time made my heart beat a different way

[Onomatopoeia]

I was going to return my rubber SCUBA mask for a silicone one because I've read silicone fits more snugly. But my rubber mask arrived a few days ago and I tried it on. I looked at myself in the mirror and cried. I have the regulator, the adapters, and the mask now. All I need now is the nitrogen, which is really easy to get in my area. It took a month to get all the necessary tools. But wow, looking at myself in the mirror with my mask on and the regulator connected to it...it is beyond human words to describe it.

I'm happy that I'll soon be in the same place that my husband and our baby are living now. But my heartbeat was so hard that I could see it through a very loose shirt. It's scary to die. But it's also scary for me to keep going when the only thing I lived for, my husband, is gone. I'm scared. But the time is coming soon. I did my research and now I'm ready. I can't go on in this world any longer.

 

[heisenberg]

i'm happy you were able to find a sense of relief amongst your anxieties. i hope you're able to go peacefully when you get nitrogen. life is cruel and im sorry you had to suffer with the loss of loved ones.