Triggered myself like an idiot

[Weather]

I made a post here the other day where I talked a little about a past trauma. It was stupid; I try not to do things like that. I don't even know why I did it. It's not like it was helping anyone else. Anyway, now I can't stop thinking about it. I'm feeling so worthless. I hate that I exist.

I didn't talk to my therapist about it (or really any trauma) until I had been seeing them for years. And then, when I did finally disclose... it was horrible for me. Didn't get through anything. We made the decision to essentially seal it up instead of re-traumatizing me at every session because it was just getting worse and worse. The hatred for myself, my anger, my complete inability to deal with any loss of control in my life...

Anyway, now I feel like I'm starting back onto that downward spiral. My world is so much smaller because of the pandemic (like, basically just my house since I work from home now)... I don't have distractions I can throw myself into.

I'm sure there are other people here who deal with this kind of thing. What do you do? How do you get past it, bury it again, move on...?

 

[sarahR]

I also have PTSD. And I always burst into tears in front of my therapist. They given me medication for that but it isn't helping that much. I also feel like you that spiral is getting out of control. A big hug and strength to you.

 

[signifying nothing]

It might not be so stupid. Perhaps subconciously the memories are trying to resurface and be dealt with. It takes a lot of energy to bundle them up and bury or ignore them.

 

[stygal]

I said it in another post but did you try EMDR therapy before?
I heard it's helpful because the triggering thoughts are lessened through eye movements.
I'd give it a shot myself but currently don't have the means.

 

[SanJunipero1]

I said it in another post but did you try EMDR therapy before?
I heard it's helpful because the triggering thoughts are lessened through eye movements.
I'd give it a shot myself but currently don't have the means.

EMDR is proven to be great for trauma but not if you're suicidal. I tried and it set me way, way back in my recovery journey. It's really fucking hard and you need to be in a good enough place to handle the pain it unleashes. I was and probably still am not (not that it matters as can't afford it anymore).
I'm the opposite of you, I handle my trauma by exploring it every day, talking openly helps in spaces I'm allowed to talk openly which granted is not very many so for me personally the most helpful thing is creative writing. Once it's out of my head and on the page it's way easier to deal with for me and by actually making it about a character (I'm writing a play about my experiences), it's disassociative enough to deal with my feelings safely.
Rhythmic work really works too, Beat Saber on VR is great fir that. As is VR in general for the escapism from the comfort of your living room.
Hope you find something that works.
Trauma's the worst x

 

[netrezven]

i have osdd and have no idea about my trauma, or find anything i remember to be too small for a real trauma. I'm emotionally detached from the memories i've /lke how i was going to die as a kid, maybie a few times /1 for sure/. I don't find anything traumatic - but if i wrote it down it will fit in trauma "standards" i think. I'm totally blocked from child trauma memories and can't even ask about it in my head. I'm really sorry for everyone that have experienced trauma and remembers it too.

 

[waterstrider]

Rhythmic work really works too, Beat Saber on VR is great fir that. As is VR in general for the escapism from the comfort of your living room.

That's an interesting tip, I'm not OP but I'm also a trauma survivor. I'll look into that. Thanks.

 

[Weather]

Thanks for the suggestions. I've thought of trying EMDR, but I'm just so... skeptical of everything, I guess. And nervous. I was going to try a ketamine treatment last summer, but chickened out -- I know they're totally different treatments, but my response to trying either is probably about the same. You know, I see value in and hope for almost everyone else, but for me? Nah. Which is stupid because I know other people have much worse problems than me.... but they just seem... more worthwhile, I guess. I just want the intrusive thoughts to go away right now.

 

[VivaldiBR]

I'm sorry for your situation.

About the trauma, I dont have anything new to say. But I know that hiding this problem in a chest can be as difficult as bringing it up, because it will be stored somewhere in the subconscious and can affect your life in the same way. The only difference is that if you look at it in the face, you will have a chance to mean it in a more pleasant way and even heal it.

As for distracting activities, I recommend walking or cycling listening to podcasts.

Podcasts or music are my natural sleeping pills.