Help TRIGGERED:Fuck doing suicide the right way let them deal with it!

[Dawn0071111]

I am so devastated. .. Fuck my plan ... all this prepping to make everyones lives easier... I need to get the fuck out OF THIS MISERAVLE SHIT LIFE!
I went to the outdoor mall and there was a donut stand with a guy who looked exactly like my boy from last summer selling Donuts. He was Latino, Im Black. So I go to gawk and make small talk, HIS VOICE WAS JUST LIKE HIS HIS FUCKING MANNERISMS. I buy two doughnuts I dont need leave a tip. The girl he is working with is Black. I go back one more time to buy another doughnut and obly she is there, we make small talk and she says that this is HER & HER HUSBANDS BUSINESS! Um god damned devastated. I was flirting with her husband right in front of her, I didnt know. It reminded me 9f how boy from ladt summer loved black women how I failed to be the strong sexy, confident Black Queen. Instead was a pathetic mess & all his heaf games.. Im tired yall...I been trying to keep it together yall... I dont care anymore, no time to build a god damned bag.... Im so sorry to leave a mess.. but that will PROVE THAT IM NOT SWEET. IM A SELFISH CRYBABY WHO CANT GET OVER SOME STUPID BOY. Im going to pick up my last meal & alcohol.... Im a sick girl. I need to be put down. My poor husband

 

[JimFord99]

Hey, dear, calm down, please. You are one of the strongholds of this site. You are NOT selfish.

 

[A New Error]

I can not judge if you are all the things you say; but nevertheless; even if you were, so what if you are a selfish crybaby and a mess that can't get over some boy?
Considering the mere fact you even thinking about this entire situation of yours so deeply, already proves how much worth as a rather decent human you have in the first place.

I think you have the right to be whatever you need to be, a crybaby, a mess, selfish, not sweet; doesn't matter.

sincerely; a crybaby and mess~

 

[Elias]

Think about the prepping as also making your attempt and your last days on earth easier for yourself. I don't know exactly what you intend to do, I am guessing a messy ctb, but I think you should take some time to cool down before doing something impulsive. I've read many of your posts on this website and I think it would be quite sad if all the efforts you made to plan a peaceful exit went away in an instant. Be safe.

 

[JimFord99]

I am so devastated. .. Fuck my plan ... all this prepping to make everyones lives easier... I need to get the fuck out OF THIS MISERAVLE SHIT LIFE!
I went to the outdoor mall and there was a donut stand with a guy who looked exactly like my boy from last summer selling Donuts. He was Latino, Im Black. So I go to gawk and make small talk, HIS VOICE WAS JUST LIKE HIS HIS FUCKING MANNERISMS. I buy two doughnuts I dont need leave a tip. The girl he is working with is Black. I go back one more time to buy another doughnut and obly she is there, we make small talk and she says that this is HER & HER HUSBANDS BUSINESS! Um god damned devastated. I was flirting with her husband right in front of her, I didnt know. It reminded me 9f how boy from ladt summer loved black women how I failed to be the strong sexy, confident Black Queen. Instead was a pathetic mess & all his heaf games.. Im tired yall...I been trying to keep it together yall... I dont care anymore, no time to build a god damned bag.... Im so sorry to leave a mess.. but that will PROVE THAT IM NOT SWEET. IM A SELFISH CRYBABY WHO CANT GET OVER SOME STUPID BOY. Im going to pick up my last meal & alcohol.... Im a sick girl. I need to be put down. My poor husband

Please, talk to us. Don't rush into anything irreversible.

 

[Dawn0071111]

Hey, dear, calm down, please. You are one of the strongholds of this site. You are NOT selfish.

Ohhhh... see thats what I mean. Im so conflicted & angry because I think when u say that your being honest about your perception and I dont know how to express the burden I feel for being in the boy from last summers words a "kind soul" ugh.. its a curse.. because its weirrd, i love helping but I love & resent being a stronghold of anything.... it makes me feel so many strange feelings... like a slave, like a mammy, like all Im ever good for is a servant, but im the one who signed up for it... see..? I dunno.... I do feel like Im going to have to leave some things undone.... Let them worry about it, let someone else fix shit for once ya know?

Think about the prepping as also making your attempt and your last days on earth easier for yourself. I don't know exactly what you intend to do, I am guessing a messy ctb, but I think you should take some time to cool down before doing something impulsive. I've read many of your posts on this website and I think it would be quite sad if all the efforts you made to plan a peaceful exit went away in an instant. Be safe.

Its so frustrating.... . Im seriously teady to go NOW. And i cant because i dont have access to my method....

Think about the prepping as also making your attempt and your last days on earth easier for yourself. I don't know exactly what you intend to do, I am guessing a messy ctb, but I think you should take some time to cool down before doing something impulsive. I've read many of your posts on this website and I think it would be quite sad if all the efforts you made to plan a peaceful exit went away in an instant. Be safe.

Its so frustrating.... . Im seriously teady to go NOW. And i cant because i dont have access to my method....

 

[JimFord99]

Hey, this is what you are, a much appreciated person here. We love you for you comforting posts. Just calm yourself down. Do not let anger take control of you. Please don't.

 

[Dawn0071111]

Please, talk to us. Don't rush into anything irreversible.

I just mean rather than it being aanother week or few weeks, Im just gonna say fuck it and go... no letters, pictures, all that sentimental shit..... thats whats holding me up... but a few didnt even read my first suicide notes so why bother leave another? Trying mlto make everuthing nice as possible cause its fucked up to have someone die... yet when i need help i cant talk to anyone of them.. i have to come hete to SS. Today it hit me..Im like..WHAT THE FUXK AM I DOING? THESE MOTHERFUCKERS ABANDONED ME WHEN I NEEDED THEM MOST AND I AM POSTPONING CATCHING THE BUS OUT OF MY MISERY CAUSE I DONT WANT TO LEAVE THEM HANGING AND CONFUSED.. But maybe I should.. just for once. Actually it be really about me...

 

[Disintegration]

I am so devastated. .. Fuck my plan ... all this prepping to make everyones lives easier... I need to get the fuck out OF THIS MISERAVLE SHIT LIFE!
I went to the outdoor mall and there was a donut stand with a guy who looked exactly like my boy from last summer selling Donuts. He was Latino, Im Black. So I go to gawk and make small talk, HIS VOICE WAS JUST LIKE HIS HIS FUCKING MANNERISMS. I buy two doughnuts I dont need leave a tip. The girl he is working with is Black. I go back one more time to buy another doughnut and obly she is there, we make small talk and she says that this is HER & HER HUSBANDS BUSINESS! Um god damned devastated. I was flirting with her husband right in front of her, I didnt know. It reminded me 9f how boy from ladt summer loved black women how I failed to be the strong sexy, confident Black Queen. Instead was a pathetic mess & all his heaf games.. Im tired yall...I been trying to keep it together yall... I dont care anymore, no time to build a god damned bag.... Im so sorry to leave a mess.. but that will PROVE THAT IM NOT SWEET. IM A SELFISH CRYBABY WHO CANT GET OVER SOME STUPID BOY. Im going to pick up my last meal & alcohol.... Im a sick girl. I need to be put down. We're here for you.

I am so devastated. .. Fuck my plan ... all this prepping to make everyones lives easier... I need to get the fuck out OF THIS MISERAVLE SHIT LIFE!
I went to the outdoor mall and there was a donut stand with a guy who looked exactly like my boy from last summer selling Donuts. He was Latino, Im Black. So I go to gawk and make small talk, HIS VOICE WAS JUST LIKE HIS HIS FUCKING MANNERISMS. I buy two doughnuts I dont need leave a tip. The girl he is working with is Black. I go back one more time to buy another doughnut and obly she is there, we make small talk and she says that this is HER & HER HUSBANDS BUSINESS! Um god damned devastated. I was flirting with her husband right in front of her, I didnt know. It reminded me 9f how boy from ladt summer loved black women how I failed to be the strong sexy, confident Black Queen. Instead was a pathetic mess & all his heaf games.. Im tired yall...I been trying to keep it together yall... I dont care anymore, no time to build a god damned bag.... Im so sorry to leave a mess.. but that will PROVE THAT IM NOT SWEET. IM A SELFISH CRYBABY WHO CANT GET OVER SOME STUPID BOY. Im going to pick up my last meal & alcohol.... Im a sick girl. I need to be put down. My poor husband

We're here for you. Vent as much as you feel is necessary.

 

[Dawn0071111]

I can not judge if you are all the things you say; but nevertheless; even if you were, so what if you are a selfish crybaby and a mess that can't get over some boy?
Considering the mere fact you even thinking about this entire situation of yours so deeply, already proves how much worth as a rather decent human you have in the first place.

I think you have the right to be whatever you need to be, a crybaby, a mess, selfish, not sweet; doesn't matter.

sincerely; a crybaby and mess~

ThNk you. This is terribly hard for me to do. Im pretty jugemental. Never noticed how bad it was till the trauma & ptsd but woo..thete is a supreme court in my head on 24 hour duty. ..

I never knew any negative feelings are ok. Such a foreign concepr

We're here for you. Vent as much as you feel is necessary.

Thank u.. i love you guys... I wish we l7ved in a world were ss wasnt needed but glad were here.... I cant wait to have my own "goodbye thread"

 

[Elias]

In that case I understand better, I personally do not intend to make life easier for other people after my passing. I only focused on my method and the means to acquire all the products, and not leave too much of a mess but that's it. Honestly, fuck letters, fuck organizing what happens after your death because I have absolutely no faith in people and their ability to keep their word. Plan something, and 10 other motherfuckers will ruin it for you. Fuck them all, don't make life unecessarily too hard on others but you absolutely have my blessing if you decide to be selfish for once. You deserve it.

 

[JimFord99]

Hey, you need a shoulder to cry on Come on here and take three hugs. You know you can talk to us. Please don't make a rushed decision. A few members recently succeed d, it took my quite hard.

 

[A New Error]

ThNk you. This is terribly hard for me to do. Im pretty jugemental. Never noticed how bad it was till the trauma & ptsd but woo..thete is a supreme court in my head on 24 hour duty. ..

I never knew any negative feelings are ok. Such a foreign concepr

And it is really Ok to feel that way.
I feel you there.

It is also absolutely okay to be jugdemental, everyone, without a doubt, is in some way or another, there is nothing wrong with that.

Negative feelings are so much ok ._.
They are required, and they are good in their own weird way.
Please never feel ashamed or hateful for feeling the way you do. Don't be so hard on yourself there, life itself is already hard enough to intake ._.

 

[Dawn0071111]

Your so sweet, I dont think I could function if i wasnt hard on myself ... i literally think i might stop exsisting... Part of the wiring or traumatic programming.... its funnt, it never even occurred to me not to judge myself, of course others would say so and i think they are the crazy ones..lol.... it sucks to be so fucked up in the head... the incident at the doughnut stand gave me a huge ptsd flare. .. i hate this shit. Im sooo sorry to everyone who has these dosgnosis... is a wonder to anyone why we want to die? I mean damn

 

[Rachel74]

We are all here for you

 

[JimFord99]

Your so sweet, I dont think I could function if i wasnt hard on myself ... i literally think i might stop exsisting... Part of the wiring or traumatic programming.... its funnt, it never even occurred to me not to judge myself, of course others would say so and i think they are the crazy ones..lol.... it sucks to be so fucked up in the head... the incident at the doughnut stand gave me a huge ptsd flare. .. i hate this shit. Im sooo sorry to everyone who has these dosgnosis... is a wonder to anyone why we want to die? I mean damn

I understand, I sometimes freak out about little things, I get panic attacks and extremely high blood pressure. My heart is racing, I really freak out. I know it is just in my head, but it is there and it freaks me out. You are not alone.

 

[Elias]

You're describing my life... Not sure how I feel about this. I'm so sorry that you have to live that way too. It truly is a mystery how we could function all this time thinking this is supposed to be a normal life.

 

[JimFord99]

Honestly, when it it hits me I get into a panic mode, no clear though, just intense depression, adrenaline and panic.
You still here, Dawn?

 

[Disintegration]

I understand, I sometimes freak out about little things, I get panic attacks and extremely high blood pressure. My heart is racing, I really freak out. I know it is just in my head, but it is there and it freaks me out. You are not alone.

That's right. I have my triggers too. Some things set me off and forget it, I'll obsess about it for days, weeks, months. I know how it hurts when you try really hard to have a good experience.

You're lovable just the way you are.

Everything will subside and calm down and a week from now it won't hurt as much. A month and you'll begin to forget it happened, a year and it will be a distant memory.

 

[JimFord99]

Nice words.

 

[Empty Smile]

for you Dawn...

 

[Dawn0071111]

We are all here for you

Im here for you too....

 

[JimFord99]

Im here for you too....

Good, keep it that way. We need you here.

 

[Dawn0071111]

You're describing my life... Not sure how I feel about this. I'm so sorry that you have to live that way too. It truly is a mystery how we could function all this time thinking this is supposed to be a normal life.

I knew it wasnt normal... ive been trying to fix myself all my damn life.... pnly to.find out after 40 years, a soul destroying heartbreak, ptsd.. that i have been damaged all my life in a way that has made it impossible for me to gain or sustain any meaning, success or true human connection.... I tried, but failed. Failed ineveruthing i touch cause i was emotionally stunted & i resent wasting my life when i went thru several programs, but no one coyld help me when i was younger. They just locked me up treated a young girl like an animal... I am100% feral. ...

View attachment 17054


for you Dawn...

Yes

Honestly, when it it hits me I get into a panic mode, no clear though, just intense depression, adrenaline and panic.
You still here, Dawn?

Yes.
Thank u... hgggsds

View attachment 17054


for you Dawn

Thank u.. hugggssss

 

[JimFord99]

Hey, you have not failed. Most definitely NOT 100% feral. If you are a total waste of life, then why do we appreciate your input so much? Don't slag yourself down. Please, don't. You are a lovely person.

 

[HQTD]

Did you ever have the feelin'
that you wanted to go?
And still had the feelin'
that you wanted to stay?

It's a song, enjoy

 

[Dawn0071111]

Hey, you have not failed. Most definitely NOT 100% feral. If you are a total waste of life, then why do we appreciate your input so much? Don't slag yourself down. Please, don't. You are a lovely person.

Because if I dont slag myself, then I might be forced to live.... I hate it here.. Im so sad

 

[alexithymia]

Because if I dont slag myself, then I might be forced to live.... I hate it here.. Im so sad

It really, really, really sucks. I know. This world hurts.

 

[RedAlert]

Maybe you should pray to the Virgin Mary through the Holy Rosary.

They call her the "Comforter of the afflicted" and I have also prayed this lovely devotion and have experienced physical and mental changes...also a few miracles.

 

[Dawn0071111]

Maybe you should pray to the Virgin Mary through the Holy Rosary.

They call her the "Comforter of the afflicted" and I have also prayed this lovely devotion and have experienced physical and mental changes...also a few miracles.

Thanks for your concern but I am no longer religious. ... I just coming out of my indoctrination into deconversion.... Now Im going to ask you this. Im not being an ass either, but if praying the rosary can heal you... what are you doing in a place like this? look, Im happy for ANY RELIEF anyone can get in thier suffering .... But Im done with deities that offer "comfort in affliction" when they had the power to either not have affliction exist in the first place or to eradicate it totally. However that is probably another post. I know you are offering something that has helped you, which is what we all tend to do... so thanks, but not for me.