hitori-bocchi
cold.
- Jan 16, 2026
- 14
i plan my death because my rushed clings to it and overall desperation left me worst off. but i cant do.. anything. knowing im alive causes panic attacks just from waking up and resuming consciousness. i'm entirely hoping engaging with other sasu members and having guidance / advice from the clear minded makes this a slight more bearable but i feel like im deluding myself to try and justify this "waiting" period as on purpose and not a result of repeated failure.
idk.
the cons of my existence outweigh all, but my fear holds me in place-- paralyzed. i want to die to protect myself from further perceived injury. i stay alive to protect myself from the autonomy loss that comes with dying... more perceived injury. ideally i die and am not found because they cannot find me. ideally.
i think i owe myself the minimum of trying. but it would be a brash bold face lie to say it is by choice. i feel weak because i cry. i feel weak. cry. victim blaming myself and tearing down the last thickets of my mind to reveal a light. an empty. or maybe an overwhelm. to feel too much that it becomes a background noise of nothingness.
torture. existence is a fate worst than anything.
- bocchi
idk.
the cons of my existence outweigh all, but my fear holds me in place-- paralyzed. i want to die to protect myself from further perceived injury. i stay alive to protect myself from the autonomy loss that comes with dying... more perceived injury. ideally i die and am not found because they cannot find me. ideally.
i think i owe myself the minimum of trying. but it would be a brash bold face lie to say it is by choice. i feel weak because i cry. i feel weak. cry. victim blaming myself and tearing down the last thickets of my mind to reveal a light. an empty. or maybe an overwhelm. to feel too much that it becomes a background noise of nothingness.
torture. existence is a fate worst than anything.
