Trigger warning: relationships and love

[Heart Shards]

Sorry about the trigger warning. some people here have had abusive reactionships and the such, and I don't want to push anyone over the edge.
I've wondered for a long time what love is like. Most of my days are spent in my bedroom, reading books and watching youtube, that I never go on dates, never put myself out there. What is love like? is it beneficial or it just drama? Could the love of another human save me? I'm sincerely curious to get other people's perspectives.

 

[Sherri]

Sorry about the trigger warning. some people here have had abusive reactionships and the such, and I don't want to push anyone over the edge.
I've wondered for a long time what love is like. Most of my days are spent in my bedroom, reading books and watching youtube, that I never go on dates, never put myself out there. What is love like? is it beneficial or it just drama? Could the love of another human save me? I'm sincerely curious to get other people's perspectives.

If it's true live from both sides I do believe it can save, as I have experienced it and it was a magical thing almost. I'm sure other people will disagree, but I will always be a romantic and believe true love and care heal almost everything.

 

[darksideofthebright]

I've just not long ago gone through a breakup, which was essentially a cherry on top of everything that was driving me to the point of seriously wanting to ctb.

During the relationship though, it was a different story. I know I was very lucky to have found my ex and been with him. More than a year ago, I was really suicidal, and I thought there was no way out, and that was life really. But then I just met him, and for whatever reason that I couldn't explain, we fell in love with each other, and he unknowingly gave me another shot at life that I refused to give myself. My relationship brought me to the height I had never been before and empowered me to achieve things I NEVER in a million years would have ever thought I could. There were low points, but overall, the relationship was, how to say, magical to me. We really brought out the best in each other, and with all these being said, he broke up with me without any valid reasons, and my mental health has nosedived ever since because I couldn't come to terms with the breakup.

Can a relationship save you? I'm not sure, but in my case, it saved me a year ago. There will always be dramas in any types of relationship, and what's really important is being able to overcome those dramas.

At the end of the day, my perspective is one of a hopeless romantic. I love my romance novels and I love my rom-coms, and maybe that's why I'm left heartbroken. But to me, relationships can be really powerful, ONLY IF you are lucky enough to find the right one.

 

[degeneratewaste]

What is love like? is it beneficial or it just drama? Could the love of another human save me?

love itself is extremely broad, personal and you can't make a blanket statement about it at all. love can be helpful, hell, I would go as far as to say that it could save you in the ideal scenario... but I feel that a lot of people here do make the blanket assumption that love would 'save' them if they were to have it. at the end of the day, some issues can be solved by being loved deeply and having that connection, e.g. crippling loneliness. but the involvement with another can really complicate things as well, especially when you're mentally ill.

personally, I have been a victim to a lot of mental abuse in both of my romantic relationships. if you're mentally unwell, or damaged, predators can really sense that sometimes, and come fuck your life up even more. it's happened to me. the only people I attract are abusers, therefore I have zero interest in a real romantic relationship with anyone, and probably won't be involved with anyone ever again if I ctb soon as expected. it's easy to fall into the trap of 'love fixes all', I did last time and it will never happen again for me. but it can really improve some people, just don't go in with the attitude that it will solve everything, because 9/10 times it won't.

 

[Sherri]

love itself is extremely broad, personal and you can't make a blanket statement about it at all. love can be helpful, hell, I would go as far as to say that it could save you in the ideal scenario... but I feel that a lot of people here do make the blanket assumption that love would 'save' them if they were to have it. at the end of the day, some issues can be solved by being loved deeply and having that connection, e.g. crippling loneliness. but the involvement with another can really complicate things as well, especially when you're mentally ill.

personally, I have been a victim to a lot of mental abuse in both of my romantic relationships. if you're mentally unwell, or damaged, predators can really sense that sometimes, and come fuck your life up even more. it's happened to me. the only people I attract are abusers, therefore I have zero interest in a real romantic relationship with anyone, and probably won't be involved with anyone ever again if I ctb soon as expected. it's easy to fall into the trap of 'love fixes all', I did last time and it will never happen again for me. but it can really improve some people, just don't go in with the attitude that it will solve everything, because 9/10 times it won't.

Yeah you absolutely right about that, even though I agree that love is amazing. I also was a victim from a predator like you mentioned. What we call a player.

 

[Heart Shards]

Yeah you absolutely right about that, even though I agree that love is amazing. I also was a victim from a predator like you mentioned. What we call a player.

You deserve better, Sherri. you're amazing. Here for you!

 

[chrijo]

Love is beautiful - way too beautiful...

...and that is also the main reason why love is a lying sneaky bitch :-)

 

[Dead beat dad]

Sorry about the trigger warning. some people here have had abusive reactionships and the such, and I don't want to push anyone over the edge.
I've wondered for a long time what love is like. Most of my days are spent in my bedroom, reading books and watching youtube, that I never go on dates, never put myself out there. What is love like? is it beneficial or it just drama? Could the love of another human save me? I'm sincerely curious to get other people's perspectives.

Blunt answer in my opinion: No
The love from another may 'complete you'
But love of self is what will save you.
Love from another can able and disable you (to some degree so can love from self), however you have to live in your body and mind forever...

Love and respect friend

DBD

 

[Weather]

I've had horrible relationships that did more to wreck my mental health than anything else. I don't classify any of them as "love."

But... I have a love story too. I don't want to get into details because, well, I think it's unique and maybe oddly identifiable -- I've told the story very publicly previously. I've been with who I think is my "true" love for a decade now, although I've known him since I was a child. It has made an enormous difference in my life; I used to have that aching loneliness in my chest all the time, and now I have to remind myself at times what loneliness feels like. I do still have my mental health issues that can get bad and need to be addressed, but... honestly, it's the image of him finding my body that has most recently stopped me from killing myself. He has his own issues with depression as well as claims that I have saved him three times over the course of our lives too (before we were together and since). I don't know. From my perspective, love doesn't keep you from having problems, but it is a relief to have the feeling of home.

Anyway, I don't say this to express that I'm particularly lucky (although I'm afraid it could come off that way)... but just that there can be a person you share a connection with who makes life feel... better. Not solved, and not all the time, but better.

 

[sadworld]

I honestly don't know how love feels like. I've never received it and I feel like it doesn't even truly exist... and loving someone that doesn't love you back is probably just hell.

 

[Silvermorning]

It can save you, but it can break you too. Sadly as @degeneratewaste has pointed out, vulnerable women are like honey to predators. Same.goes for vulnerable men and mantis religiosas.

It's safer to get a dog, in all honesty. And friendly folks to shoot the shit the grey cold evenings.

If love must come, will be announced. anyway.

 

[Giraffey]

I have had a few relationships through the years, including a terribly abusive one that I've talked about at length in other threads; but I can only say that I've been truly in love once. To attempt to describe it to you would only be akin to reducing the most beautiful of paintings to the mere formality of words, you cannot truly appreciate what it feels like to be "in love" until you have experienced it for yourself; not necessarily because it is beyond description, but because love is unique.

I read another one of your threads here in which you talked about seeking out the company and companionship of others, and you asked why you might do that. I can't help but wonder if the answer to your questions lies in the questions themselves.

Do you know what was honestly, for me, the most beautiful part of being in love? My then-partner was the first person who ever made me feel like loving myself again. I believe that true love is not found within others but within ourselves; to be inspired to love oneself in spite of our flaws and foibles. Of course, everybody will have a different definition of love, but that for me was something that stood out.

The reason that I stayed in my abusive relationship for as long as I did was that I hated myself, my ex-partner had conditioned me to hate myself, convinced me that I was so deeply flawed that I could never be loved by another human being; least of all myself; she convinced me that I was severely mentally ill; I was thankful on the days she didn't hit me, not for being spared but for not triggering her; I hated myself. It was the antithesis of love.

Not long after I broke up with my then-partner, whom I truly loved, I encountered another girl who was keen to strike up a relationship with me. We went on a few dates, but there were some red flags; she was unhappy about my career and demanded that I drop everything to be with her; she criticised my habits and phobias and quirks and openly insulted my morals on the grounds that I was not as conservative. Once upon a time, I would have ignored those niggling doubts; I would have dropped my career, just as I did for my abusive-ex, I would have changed my personality and become a repeat victim, as sadly a lot of abuse survivors are. But in the end, I looked in the mirror and I thought that I deserved better - I walked away.

It doesn't have to be narcissistic to love oneself, there is still much about myself that I despise - those scars take a long time to heal. But loving myself enough to recognise that I deserved better, that I was worthy of a relationship where I didn't have to force myself to change; where someone loved me for who I am and inspired me to do the same; that saved me from another abusive mess.

I hope you do manage to find whatever is missing from your life; but please, don't forget to look inside yourself and find some positive qualities that you value and admire in yourself and don't give them up for anybody. No matter how special someone makes you feel, nobody is worth giving up what is special about you to you.

I'm sorry that so much of this is so nebulous, just wanted to share some of my thoughts, and thank you for the opportunity, I've actually found it quite cathartic to articulate that.

Hugs

 

[waterstrider]

I also wish I had experienced unconditional love. I think that is a rare occurrence these days.
All I had were short-time flings or close-to-relationships that meant actually nothing.

I think that a real relationship grows with time, you have a deep understanding for each other, can laugh togetherand would never do anything to hurt each other (those are toxic or fake).

Whoever had that before can consider themselves lucky.

 

[_Kaira_]

I feel like I'm cursed because of my mental issues. BPD life..

I can't expect people do be able to deal with me. I don't. Do I wish there was someone out there who could handle my issues no matter how hard it gets? Yes. A beautiful thought. A beautiful fairytale. My teenage years consisted of being in 'relationships' with predators/pedos because I thought I was valued and loved. Now if I am lucky to find someone who is interested, I end up chasing them away because I am too difficult to manage. I'm too difficult even for myself to manage.

With the way I am right now, safe to say, it's better that I am alone. I can't expect relationships when I'm so far down in a hole. I'm not good for other people's emotional health. Still it would be nice to find someone who can emotionally handle a dumpster fire like me..

 

[greebo6]

It could if it was real and from the right person. But only if it is both.

 

[TotallyIsolated]

I feel like love isn't necessarily a realistic aspiration. Most couples don't love each other, and what a lot of people call love is just familiarity.

I know some couples love each other, but at any given point in time the majority of people are not in loving relationships.

Its one of those standards (that I believe is unrealistic) that Hollywood and various hyper-aspirational media set that ordinary people dont live up to.

 

[Ghost2211]

I will assume you're speaking of romantic love. Romantic love at first is very intoxicating, and it's everything you ever want it to be. The problem is that isn't the permanent state of it the next stage of it is the normal day-to-day existence. It's still a good thing in your life and will still add amazing things to your world, but it won't support you on its own. For love to be a beneficial healthy element in your life not only does it have to not be an awful person, but you both need to be able to love yourselves and carry yourselves. The risk of it is when it gets taken away a broken heart is probably one of the most painful things I can imagine.

 

[ThrownAwayTom]

The only time I've been in love was so amazing I'd almost say I wouldn't risk it again. It was 3 years of fun and romance and everything you'd expect with the warmest and sweetest person imaginable, and it all fell apart because of my mental illness and her family. Having lost it and knowing that she's out there with someone else right now is a punch in the stomach that never lifts. I'm happy that she's happy, but eternally crushed by what I no longer and will never have again.

It's not better to have loved and lost.

 

[feast or famine]

Love is a double-edged sword.

 

[Lordsudbury]

Love feels so good. However I think the thing that would "save" you isn't necessarily love from one. It's just that, humans aren't meant to be alone locked in our rooms watching YouTube videos and reading books. Were a social species and thrive in groups. Men and women need people to band and bond together with. I'm sure a lot of us are alone. It's just not natural.

 

[Intheo]

I don't consider romantic love to be real love, but for the sake of discussion, let's say it is. It's a double edged sword. On one hand, a partner can encourage you to better yourself and give you a reason to keep going. I personally am emotionally involved with a person currently and I have been more motivated to work out and improve in other ways because I want to show her my best self. A loving encouraging partner can be a great addition to your life.

The problem is that people like us who are mentally ill may tend to emotionally burden their partners or strain the relationship with negativity. At least, I've tended to do that. I am constantly plagued with thoughts that I am not worthy of love and that'll fuck things up eventually, and when that self-fulfilling prophecy comes true, it just reconfirms my self-hatred. And if the relationship ends and when a support pillar as strong as a romantic partner is whisked away, you may end up worse than you were before.

Because of our degraded sense of self-worth, people like us may attract toxic people as partners which will further hurt us. Everybody has their own issues and a path they have to walk. You cannot expect someone else to save you. It's not fair to them. In my opinion, the most compassionate thing to do is to be honest and upfront about your issues and hope that your issues and your partner's issues can somehow work together. Or at least your partner should also be honest with themselves about their issues and their ability to deal with yours.

Ultimately, I believe it's our responsibility to find our own peace and love within ourselves. This is a fall order, I know, which is also why I am generally not in favor of relationships. People should work on themselves to be better people, before poisoning others.

 

[Sherri]

You deserve better, Sherri. you're amazing. Here for you!

Thanks Amy .

 

[MindFrog]

Bearing your heart to other people has its benefits and consequences. Love can be powerful to save people but it needs your own willingness to change. You still have to reach out to your lover too.

Personally, it scares me.It can become a complicated mess if you aint careful. There's always that fear that they might stab my back and the guilt because i can harm them too. Nowadays, I'd rather be treated badly than be loved. I'd never want to try again at this point. Hell nah.

 

[sarahR]

Love is a battlefield like that 80s song!